Newest Members
0128, jeremywickers, JScott12, TMatti2, DaiseyLady
12502 Registered Users
Today's Birthdays
asdude1981 (33), Avery46 (51), hans32 (46), jean-noel (49), Kirk (59), Kirk Wayne (59), Mechanical (21), OldTrafford (50)
Who's Online
2 registered (2 invisible), 16 Guests and 4 Spiders online.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Forum Stats
12502 Members
74 Forums
64193 Topics
447965 Posts

Max Online: 418 @ 07/02/12 07:29 AM
Twitter
Topic Options
#7434 - 08/27/03 11:44 PM I'm back and divorced again
jwh Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/18/01
Posts: 98
Loc: dallas, tx
This is the third divorce. I'm 32 years old and the second woman I married, whom I divorced and then remarried two years ago, has filed for divorce. The reason? I'm not "normal" enough for her. I'm "very sick," and she doesn't want to deal with that. She wants to lead a "normal" life.

I'm feeling pretty fucking angry right now. Just got back from group where somebody shared about their abuse, graphically, and it triggered me into that black hole of hurt and shame and rage at my center where I can still feel Him thrusting into me when I was too little and too trusting and my god that was the most humiliating fucking experience of my life I can't even believe I'm alive and now my wife is divorcing me because I'm "sick."

I live alone now. 3 and 1/2 weeks. I actually like it, I like not being around her anymore, I never felt like I could share my recovery with her, share joy with her. She was very down on therapy, told me that she absolutely would not go to couples therapy with me, the implied message being that I was the sick one, I was the only one who needed help, she was just a normal woman with a normal job who wanted to have a normal baby in her normal house.

Fuck that. I'm not normal because things happened to me that were NOT NORMAL!!!!!

I am okay in that I am not suicidal or homicidal or acting out with drugs or alcohol or porn or anything. I just feel sick with rage inside at how unfair being sexually abused was, how unfair it was that I am so scared to be intimate with women that I remain largely emotionally isolated in relationships, and how fucking unfair it is that I am getting rejected AGAIN.

And he's out there. My perpetrator is out there in the world, unpunished. And I don't even want to find the son of a bitch because I still fear him, I still fear that I couldn't be strong with him in the room and I HATE THAT!!!!!

I have support, I have good support from my therapy group and from my SLAA group, as well as from the Unity Church where I go, but it still hurts. It still fucking hurts . . .

_________________________
"I've been waiting for a guide to come and take me by the hand... Could these sensations make me feel the pleasures of a normal man?"--Ian Curtis, Joy Division

Top
#7435 - 08/28/03 12:15 AM Re: I'm back and divorced again
Bill_1965 Offline
Chat Mod Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/29/03
Posts: 1983
Loc: Flint, Michigan
Hello Jeff,

This is a hard spot you are in. This I know first hand.

I am nine days newly divorced, because my ex-wife couldn't handle the way I handled my SA and had no desire or willingness to help or be supportive. She tried to use this against me in the divorce to keep me from my son. Thank goodness I had Judge that saw through her games and tactics. During our conversations she liked to throw this in my face, and am sure that is what triggered a recent bad weekend of flashbacks and feelings of guilt.

My separation from her was one of the best things for me mentally and physically. She had led me into depression, sleeplessness and an ulcer. I came out of the depression shortly after leaving the home and the sleep came back. The ulcer I am still working on. But I have finally lost that extra 50 pounds I picked up after we got married.

It does hurt.

Take care my brother,

Bill

_________________________
Pain is Temporary; Quitting lasts Forever. - Lance Armstrong

Top
#7436 - 08/28/03 10:51 AM Re: I'm back and divorced again
outis Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/27/03
Posts: 2260
Loc: Maryland USA
Jeff,

I hope you can take good care of yourself in this emotional time. I agree that the things that happened to you were not normal, but I think each of us is as "normal" as possible, under the circumstances. It's too bad your ex-wife didn't see that the things that happened are not the same as the person you are. Maybe she had some kind of blinders for reasons related to her own life experiences.

Hang in there and don't punish yourself.

Joe

_________________________
"Telemachos, your guest is no discredit to you. I wasted no time in stringing the bow, and I did not miss the mark. My strength is yet unbroken…"—The Odyssey, translated by W.H.D. Rouse

Top
#7437 - 08/28/03 11:34 AM Re: I'm back and divorced again
dwf Offline
Moderator/BoD Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/24/03
Posts: 1223
Loc: Austin, Texas USA
Jeff,

The pain you must be feeling comes through in your post.

I am so sorry that you are going through this hurtful time. You don't deserve to suffer after all that has already happened in your life.

I wish there were more I could do for you and for you too Bill. For now I'll just say that my heart goes out to both of you guys.

Jeff, I can only hope that by being able to share some of the ache and hurt with us here and elsewhere that maybe the sting is a little less severe.

Joe, is right. Now is the time to try to be really good to yourself. Take some time if you can to treat yourself to whatever soothes and comforts you, if you can.

And please know that this place and us guys are here for you.

And may we all find the peace we need.


Your brother,

_________________________
"Poke salad Annie, 'gators got you granny
Everybody said it was a shame
'Cause her mama was aworkin' on the chain-gang"

-Tony Joe White

Top
#7438 - 08/28/03 05:54 PM Re: I'm back and divorced again
Mike Church Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 01/23/03
Posts: 3439
Loc: Toronto, Canada
Jeff:

Quote:
Fuck that. I'm not normal because things happened to me that were NOT NORMAL!!!!!
I think that you, in fact, are very normal despite what that ass hole did to you. What happened to you was not normal for you or for amy of us. What you are, I think, is wounded by it and we are all here to help you cleanse and heal your wounds.

I cannot understand the reaction of your exwife. All I can say is that my wife Nicole of 36 years loves me in spite of everything that has happened to me. The only time she ever got really angry at me is because I witheld everything from her for so long.

Quote:
I just feel sick with rage inside at how unfair being sexually abused was, how unfair it was that I am so scared to be intimate with women that I remain largely emotionally isolated in relationships, and how fucking unfair it is that I am getting rejected AGAIN.
It is good to be full of rage. As long as it is directed at your perp and not inwards. It seems that maybe just maybe your ex wife used it as a easy excuse to get out of the marriage. I think that you have normal desires and that you wanted to share. You have said as much. She was unwilling to do so.

Please dont beat yourself up. What happened was not ever your fault. And I also truly believe that you will find the woman of your dreams.

_________________________
Mikey

IT REALLY IS OK TO STUMBLE. NONE OF US ARE PERFECT.

Top
#7439 - 08/28/03 08:31 PM Re: I'm back and divorced again
jwh Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/18/01
Posts: 98
Loc: dallas, tx
Thank you, all of you. You are wonderfully supportive.

I know I need to go through this grief, and that ultimately not being married to her will be a blessing.

Thanks again,
Jeff

_________________________
"I've been waiting for a guide to come and take me by the hand... Could these sensations make me feel the pleasures of a normal man?"--Ian Curtis, Joy Division

Top
#7440 - 08/28/03 11:39 PM Re: I'm back and divorced again
The Dean Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 07/15/02
Posts: 2080
Loc: Milwaukee, WI
Jeff and Bill, I am saddened to hear that a person you cared enough about that you married her, has not been able to stick with you, the man she loved enough to marry.

I don't think it is "normal" for a person who knows of the harm done to you, to not want to love you to wholeness and to be faithful to you as you make progress towards being well. I would think that "normal" would be to cut you more slack than you need, and to express her love of you so often and in such safe ways that you would get better over time.

It is not "normal" for anyone to think that we can just say: "damn, you know what, I was sexually abused when I was a kid, but what the hell, it sure isn't going to bother me." We have been hurt in a part of our being that has tremendouos ramifications for our lives.

You men inspire me completely. I wish that you were not hurt the way you have been hurt. I hope and pray that you will find a "normal" woman to marry and be your partner in healing.

Bob

_________________________
If we do not live what we believe, then we will begin to believe what we live.

Top
#7441 - 09/05/03 11:26 AM Re: I'm back and divorced again
integrator Offline
Member

Registered: 07/05/02
Posts: 107
Loc: New York
My sympathies, too. My wife and I are separated after 4 years of marriage. I've had to struggle really hard, and am a little surprised that things have gotten this far. I was in therapy, 12 steps, doing yoga, and tai chi, and using this message board. My understanding is that my spouse is not my therapist. Yet, I found myself bursting from stress and feeling unsupported in spite of all my efforts.
I am gaining insights, however, into my own process. Just recently I have made progress in how I view my own wounded self. I owe many thanks to the 12 steps and John Bradshaw for his inner child work.
I'll keep working at my healing. It's helped me this far, and I look forward to deeper healing. I believe you can grow as well, no matter how many relationships you've had. Jeez, when I think back on all the relationships I've had!
John Gray has a book, "What you Feel, You can Heal." Myself, I'm actually looking at my parents, and my own self-parenting, a la Bradshaw.
Anyway, be well, and keep up the good work. This is History in the making!
Best regards,
integrator


Top
#7442 - 09/05/03 11:28 AM Re: I'm back and divorced again
integrator Offline
Member

Registered: 07/05/02
Posts: 107
Loc: New York
My sympathies, too. My wife and I are separated after 4 years of marriage. I've had to struggle really hard, and am a little surprised that things have gotten this far. I was in therapy, 12 steps, doing yoga, and tai chi, and using this message board. My understanding is that my spouse is not my therapist. Yet, I found myself bursting from stress and feeling unsupported in spite of all my efforts.
I am gaining insights, however, into my own process. Just recently I have made progress in how I view my own wounded self. I owe many thanks to the 12 steps and John Bradshaw for his inner child work.
I'll keep working at my healing. It's helped me this far, and I look forward to deeper healing. I believe you can grow as well, no matter how many relationships you've had. Jeez, when I think back on all the relationships I've had!
John Gray has a book, "What you Feel, You can Heal." Myself, I'm actually looking at my parents, and my own self-parenting, a la Bradshaw.
Anyway, be well, and keep up the good work. This is History in the making!
Best regards,
integrator


Top


Moderator:  ModTeam, TJ jeff 

I agree that my access and use of the MaleSurvivor discussion forums and chat room is subject to the terms of this Agreement. AND the sole discretion of MaleSurvivor.
I agree that my use of MaleSurvivor resources are AT-WILL, and that my posting privileges may be terminated at any time, and for any reason by MaleSurvivor.