My wife & I just rented & watched a movie I've been wanting to see since it was out--"Time Machine." Time travel & sci-fi in general fascinate me.
In the movie this guy, on the verge of unlocking the door to time travel, proposes to his girl in Central Park, where she is then killed in an armed robbery.
Over the next six years he works obsessively to crack the time travel code, never leaving his house or seeing anyone. Finally he figures it out.
So he builds a time machine & travels into the past just before the murder. He takes her into the city to propose, away from the park. She is hit by a car and killed.
To try to figure out why he can't change the past, & maybe becuz he just can't stand the present anymore, he travels into the future, further & further ahead.
Without spoiling the ending I'll just say that in the future he finally found what he was looking for.
Most of my life I've spent trying to change the past. Not by going back, but by acting in/out or numbing out, denial, suppression, dissociation, trying to erase the past, push it away, but it wouldn't go away.
Since I started into recovery I've been doing less
of that, but instead have kinda locked myself in the room of recovery, which I've worked obsessively most of the time. Trying to find the way into the past to change it that way. Still not working.
So what I want to try to do now is just know that I can find what I really want & need not in the past but the future, and then move toward that future. Not with a time machine, but just one day at a time. Not trying to bypass the present, but living in the present moment, which is all I really have or need anyway.
"I can't stand pain. It hurts me."