Newest Members
Mike Boyd, Serenity40, markm, hans32, SilentNoLonger
12133 Registered Users
Today's Birthdays
casey (45), flaredsoul (31), Madcap (29), susie24 (59)
Who's Online
5 registered (CafeMan, atari_kid86, Jude, 2 invisible), 75 Guests and 2 Spiders online.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Forum Stats
12133 Members
73 Forums
62565 Topics
438377 Posts

Max Online: 418 @ 07/02/12 07:29 AM
Twitter
Topic Options
#73492 - 06/30/05 10:40 AM Re: Can You Believe It? I Disclosed To Family!!!
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Jasper,

I have already said all of this elsewhere, but just do it all over again, congratulations! It must be a great feeling. \:\)

Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

Top
#73494 - 06/30/05 02:26 PM Re: Can You Believe It? I Disclosed To Family!!!
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Jasper,

Yes, we have spoken and she is beginning to see my point of view on telling my Dad. I have been incredibly busy this semester, but I am trying to see if I can arrange a trip to the USA to deal with this.

There is a thread that talks about disclosing to relatives, but I wonder if it would be useful for survivors to know what I am discovering and learning from my own experience in the specific area of the reactions of relatives and close friends. My relatives have been very supportive in their own way, but sometimes we need to talk more before I begin to get the kind of support I need and feel I deserve. It isn't that they are insensitive; it's just that the news hits them like a freight train and there is no way they can know how to react or how I am feeling as I tell them. It must be very disorienting.

It is of course a different matter if family members are overtly hostile or accuse you of making it all up. But it seems to me that it is a normal thing for relatives to react in a way that reveals instantly that they had no idea. My sister wept, for example, and then over susequent talks more and more came out. It wasn't easy for either of us: I felt ashamed and awkward talking about some things, and it isn't exactly an easy thing to say, for example, that by the time you were 14 you couldn't even recall how many times it happened anymore. But I wanted to get it out. And of course she was embarrassed to ask. But we talked about that too.

One very close friend whom I told was so shocked and embarrassed he just said "Shut up, Larry", and changed the subject. That hurt a lot, but I tried to see how it must have felt from his point of view. I know how he acted was cruel and hurtful, and I am not trying to make excuses for him. But sometimes revealing something is so extreme that family and friend just can't cope right away. My friend, for example, came to visit me here in Germany specifically to apologize and ask how I was doing. Sometimes people just need time.

I hope this doesn't sound naively irenic: I know we deserve to be heard and acknowledged NOW. And I know that in some cases family members and close friends can betray us utterly. I am thinking here of Desvelar's comments elsewhere on the DB.

But we ourselves don't get to this point of disclosure in a second, and perhaps it is useful to pause and think how this kind of news sounds and what it means to people really close to us. When I tell my Dad I know he will be supportive, but it would not surprise me if my mother becomes angry and says I must be remembering it wrong. Why? Because they were good parents and lived in a good neighborhood and that kind of thing "doesn't happen here". In other words she would go into denial. But that is how I coped for 40 years. I can't expect her to "get it" in 40 seconds.

Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

Top
#73495 - 06/30/05 11:39 PM Re: Can You Believe It? I Disclosed To Family!!!
sophiesdad Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/30/05
Posts: 462
Loc: Florida
Jasper:

I thought Hallmark DID have a card for everything. I think that you should submit a suggestion to them \:D

Good for you that you finally did it! And you know what? Two out of three is much better than most of us... I got zero of three. Paulie may need some time to absorb this. He may even discuss it with your other siblings and after they validate what happened, he may come around. But, even if he doesn't you have the support of your other brother and sister.

And your reactions are perfectly understandable. You've told the "secret" and your mind is still in that mode of believing your brother's threats. It should calm down in a while.

Anyway, congratulations to you! I hope you do something to celebrate your victory over your fears! Go out to dinner with Andy, OK?

SD

_________________________
There are no unresolved issues - they just didn't resolve themselves the way we would have liked. "Grinder and Bandler - Neuro-Linguistic Programming"

Top
#73497 - 07/01/05 01:56 PM Re: Can You Believe It? I Disclosed To Family!!!
chuck Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/30/03
Posts: 97
Loc: mid atlantic
Jasper,

I am glad you were able to begin to let your family know what happened. The feelings I get sometimes I call phantom feelings, because it is like someone touching me but they disappear before I can see who it is. My older believes me 100%, but my younger brother still has doubts but supports me. So the reactions are similar to what I had with family.

Hang in there and keep working with your T.

Chuck


Top


Moderator:  ModTeam 

I agree that my access and use of the MaleSurvivor discussion forums and chat room is subject to the terms of this Agreement. AND the sole discretion of MaleSurvivor.
I agree that my use of MaleSurvivor resources are AT-WILL, and that my posting privileges may be terminated at any time, and for any reason by MaleSurvivor.