Jasper,

It makes perfect sense. We always tend to self-doubt because it is sometimes incomprehensible that someone could be that sick and twisted to do that to us.

One thing that you could ask Andy to do when these things crop up is to actually talk to you. Remind you where you are and who you are with. Remind you that he is someone who would never hurt you and that he is NOT your brother. Remind you that this is only a "body memory" and that something bad like this will never happen again... even if it did, you are an adult now and you have the right to push the hands away and say NO!

I think I remember you saying that there have been times when Andy was in with you at the T's office. Maybe discuss these incidents with the T with Andy there. Your T may have some other suggestions for him to use. You're very lucky to have someone like him to stays with you and is willing to help you through this. AND, if you make him an active part of the process, it will help him to understand even more fully what goes on in your head. Because, if you are even a little bit like me, I tend to keep everything locked up inside and my wife has to play a guessing game of "How does he feel today? What's going through his mind?" That's one thing that I know I have to work on - trusting and letting her know what's going on inside my head.

Hope this helps.

SD

Jasper,

I still struggle with flashbacks before I fall asleep or wake up in the middle of the night and try to figure where I am. My father was my abuser and he used the excuse especially when I was sick(suffered with bronchitis). He would enter the room to give me whiskey with honey to keep me from coughing but it was to sedate me so I was very compliant to him. I remember when I was 20 and come home very intoxicated but went to bed. During the night I awake with someone on top of me. I thought it was a dream and I literally step out of my body to watch. Later I thought it was a dream. How could a son dream about his father raping him? I felt dirty and disgusting because I had dreamt that my father had raped me. I told no one for 30 years becasue I thought I was the worst son to have such a dream. Now I realize it was no dream but just my way to disassociate from the reality.

I do get the body memories and flashbacks during sex and apologize to my friend for being afraid and not wanting to be touched.

I am working with my T to deal with these body memories but it is tough. I am glad that you shared your story because much of it sounds like me.

Chuck

Jasper, you don't have to apologize. Actually, she IS patient because if I were married to MYSELF, I wouldn't have stuck around .

My biggest problem is that I clam up a lot. I don't share what's on my mind and I constantly kick myself in the rear for it, too. I just don't know what keeps me from opening up to the one person who I know would never betray me.

But anyway, it IS important to keep Andy included in all of this. And, if the flashbacks and panic attacks are coming that often, maybe talk to your T about some type of medication? Just be careful if they prescribe something along the lines of Xanax or Ativan. Because they are such quick-acting tranquilizers they can become VERY addictive. I know that it's better to feel than to take something to dull the pain. However, if it's happening so frequently that it is interfering with daily activities and having a relatively productive life, then medication may need to be addressed - at least for the time being. There is no need to suffer. Just my opinion -- not a doc - though I've been thru so much medically, I could probably pass the medical boards with my eyes blindfolded

SD

hey jasper.

well reading your post made me so sad. the part about not being sure if you can trust your memories. i know for sure that some of my memories are totally accurate. because i was old enough to be very aware of what was happening. but some memories from earlier, i constantly doubt. maybe im making it up. maybe im exaggerating it. maybe i misunderstood and im turning somehting innocent into something terribly sick. and ill never know. but what i tell myself is that, even if one memory is inaccurate or made up by my mind, there are memories that i know for sure were not appropriate things. and even if you dont know. even if you were too young. something in you had made you come here. something in you is pushing these thoughts into your mind. i dont think an over active imagination is responsible for that. our brains only give us what we can handle, and eventually the 'movie' will become clearer to you. but dont kick yourself for not remembering. youve been kicked enough already. and even if yousometimes dont believe yourmemories, the people here do.