Newest Members
The Wife Of, smusab, whiteflag, North101, JCEldrid
12286 Registered Users
Today's Birthdays
DruidWolf (39), Harry (33), knigh50 (53), mike54 (56)
Who's Online
5 registered (don64, tbkkfile, Seekingwisdom, 2 invisible), 28 Guests and 4 Spiders online.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Forum Stats
12286 Members
73 Forums
63203 Topics
441951 Posts

Max Online: 418 @ 07/02/12 07:29 AM
Twitter
Page 2 of 3 < 1 2 3 >
Topic Options
#7355 - 08/28/03 06:12 AM Re: What if you really wanted to be a victim?
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
Jim
Quote:
This has been the story of my relationship with my mother. My fears, my pains, my dreams, everything I desired, they were garbage to her.
this hit a nerve for me, I got this from both parents - and I still do at 50yo !

I wanted to be a car mechanic because I'm a complete petrol-head, but no; that wasn't good enough. And I was dragged off for interviews at accountants and banks , nobody took any notice of the fact that I have dyscalculia (sp ? ) - dyslexia with numbers ! But who cared, it was a job in a suit !

I ended up doing an engineering apprenticeship, the plan ( their plan) was to go into a drawing office or something else that was 'nearly professional'

I failed that and bullshitted my way into engineering jobs ever since, I'm now a fitter doing maintainence on sewage treatment plants. But we don't talk about that........

Even my hobby of 4x4 competition driving gets dismissed with comments about "how much money do you spend on that ?" and "do you need to do that ?"
and on it goes, so we don't talk about that either.

Is it any wonder that boys like us accepted the attentions of others so easily ?
ANY supposedly "positive" attention was a new experience to me.

Dave

_________________________
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

Top
#7356 - 08/28/03 08:41 AM Re: What if you really wanted to be a victim?
Sans Logos Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/31/03
Posts: 5791
Loc: in my own world in pittsburgh,...
jim,

You can't go back to the well. that would be putting your hand to the plough and turning back.

Keep your focus faced forward. With us as your vanguard you have the strength you need to carry on. Walk through the fire. It hurts, but no more so than hiding. At least now you are with a lot of others. This is the next chapter for your story. Embrace it. Your life is unfolding as it should and you yourself are getting closer to fine. You are not alone now.

Sorry for all the cliche's but damn they seem pertinent right about now.

Ron

_________________________
  1. the past
  2. ReClaiming Now
  3. advocacy


Top
#7357 - 08/28/03 09:37 AM Re: What if you really wanted to be a victim?
jwh Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/18/01
Posts: 98
Loc: dallas, tx
Jim,

My abuser pulled the same trick on me. I was starved for love and affection and I thought he was the greatest human being in the world, I worshipped him, because he was older than me and seemed to really care about me, seemed to feel that I was really interesting, desirable to talk to, touch, caress.

When he wanted to go further, take clothes off, why wouldn't I trust him? I was eight years old and my mother had stopped hugging me when I was five, my Dad never hugged me unless in terms of some stupid awkward ritual, and my older brother mostly treated me like shit.

So I trusted him. And he betrayed me. He used me just like your cousin used you and yes, part of me liked it. I liked the affection and I felt aroused by the touching. What I didn't like was how I felt afterward, or the fact that he didn't say stop when I told him to stop because his penis in my rectum hurt, badly. I also hated it when he told me not to tell anyone else because I had participated, I was just as or MORE guilty than he was, I had given permission and any other fucking bullshit lie he could say to scare me, an eight year old, into shamed silence.

Your cousin treated you like you were nothing, an object to be used, and it sounds like your mother emotionally abandoned you at a very young age. It's so sad and so familiar. Let me remind you of some of the main principles of sexual abuse recovery:

Being sexually abused is never a child's fault. Perpetrators bear total responsibility for manipulating, using, shaming, hurting children in the deepest way.

Some of the abuse often felt good, and this tends to torment us, as survivors, because we feel like the fact that we felt some pleasure at being touched means we consented, we participated. The fact is that touch does feel good, especially to children who have been starved for affection, and this has nothing to do with "giving consent." A child cannot "give consent"--a child doesn't understand what he is consenting to. Even if a child understood it on a physical level, he would not understand it on an emotional or a spiritual level.

You deserved to be treated with love, respect, kindness, and instead you were used, abandoned, and shamed in the deepest ways possible. Your perpetrator and your family hurt you, but now you have the responsibility of getting better, which is totally unfair. You have every right to feel furious about how you were treated and it will be essential for your recovery to put the shame your perpetrator gave you back on him where it rightfully belongs.

You are a brave survivor. Somehow you have survived all of these years without committing suicide, something that many who are sexually abused have resorted to.

I am sorry for your pain. It is so much like my pain and the pain of others who post here.

You are not alone.

Jeff

_________________________
"I've been waiting for a guide to come and take me by the hand... Could these sensations make me feel the pleasures of a normal man?"--Ian Curtis, Joy Division

Top
#7358 - 08/28/03 02:19 PM Re: What if you really wanted to be a victim?
zanychris Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 08/16/03
Posts: 13
Jim,

I totally saw a lot of myself in your post. I grew up in an abusive household and did not receive attention from anyone. My cousin sexually abused me when I was 8.

Years later, I found myself putting myself into situations in which I was victimized again. Why? because I did not receive the attention, love and support that children deserve. Of course I went back to the man who raped me at 15, although it was clear that he wanted me to do things I wasn't willing to. He gave me attention and some sort of affection, no matter how messed up.

I was a vicitm and so were you--we just got mixed-up messages about desirability and affection...


Top
#7359 - 08/28/03 05:43 PM Re: What if you really wanted to be a victim?
Mike Church Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 01/23/03
Posts: 3439
Loc: Toronto, Canada
My brothers: The more I read threads like this the more I am convinced that there is a pattern of similarity in all our lives. We were lonely for affection and love. We did not have it in our environment. They the fxxkers all saw this and exploited our vulnerability and used us for their perverted ends. And to top it all off shouldered us with the shame and the blame. And we go suckered into that and we kept it quiet and protected them. It also placed us in a defensive posture that tries at all costs to keep others at a safe distance lest it happen again. And for some it is a repeating thing that happens over and over and over again. And it happened to us all no matter what our sexual inclinations are. What terrible crimes they were and they number in the millions.

There are times, I tell you, when I wish I could wring some very deserving necks.

_________________________
Mikey

IT REALLY IS OK TO STUMBLE. NONE OF US ARE PERFECT.

Top
#7360 - 08/29/03 12:10 AM Re: What if you really wanted to be a victim?
The Dean Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 07/15/02
Posts: 2080
Loc: Milwaukee, WI
So often I have said that I liked some parts of the abuse I went through. Well, I look at it differently now. As so many said, we all need love and attention, and also respect, by the way.

We love the touch and the things that might have been said about being beautiful etc. But, I think what we would have really wanted are the hugs of a loving Mom and Dad, the bigger brother who both teased us and at the same time made us know that he was our big brother and would make sure no one harmed us. I think I would have liked to have had some loving things and some encourageing things said to me. And I might have squirmed a little, but it would have been nice to have my older sisters cuddle me some.

His attention would not have been accepted, and I would have screamed bloody murder, if I had had the other good things. His attention was just fake. I pretended I liked it, but I didn't. I darn near adored that guy, but I would not have seen him as anything other than a scoutmaster if I had experienced what we all had a right to expect.

We did not want to be victims. We didn't even want all his attention. We wanted the good stuff, and his phony, harmful crap was all we could get at the time. I wonder if he ever figured it out that I eventually came to hate him. He was a pathetic loser in a fine looking body...but all he really was is a fake.

People still want the good stuff. When it is appropriate I think we should give what we can. When it is not appropriate, I think we should talk about what a devastating thing it is to be a kid and not be loved, and treasured, and mentored, and protected. People who have kids need to know that they have to be loving to their kids. There are lots of ways to make a kid know that he or she is loved, besides hugging and kissing. It is just that in that case the parents need to work harder at making sure the child knows he or she is loved and feels that.

What a magnificent sight it is to see a Dad and son or children playing, or at a ball game, or at McDonld's and talking. To see a Dad talking to his son whose team either just won or just lost. But, maybe I am profoundly envious, but when I see that, I do feel a certain joy--but I also feel the loss all over again.

Just some ramblings as I think of you and I, as those precious kids. Someone said it well--all kids are beautiful and in a healthy sense, desirable. Their innocence and trust are a wonder to behold.

Bob

_________________________
If we do not live what we believe, then we will begin to believe what we live.

Top
#7361 - 08/30/03 08:44 AM Re: What if you really wanted to be a victim?
Leosha Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/18/03
Posts: 3614
Loc: Right here
I do not believe anyone wishes to be a victim. I hear of people who say that some of the abuse felt good. I hear of people who say it was the only attention they got, and they even felt bad, or abandoned when the abuse stopped. That STILL does not make it right, and does not make the blame or shame go on the victim. You did not want to be abused, and have mental trauma on top of the physical that still affect you in life. You wanted attention. That is not bad thing. Please do not throw all this at yourself, you do not own it.

Leosha

_________________________
Avatar photo in memory of my younger brother Makar.

"Human salvation lies in the hands of the creatively maladjusted."~~~Martin Luther King Jr., 1963

Top
#7362 - 08/30/03 11:03 AM Re: What if you really wanted to be a victim?
Sans Logos Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/31/03
Posts: 5791
Loc: in my own world in pittsburgh,...
Bob,

Reading your post caused me to cry.

Thanks, I guess,

Ron

_________________________
  1. the past
  2. ReClaiming Now
  3. advocacy


Top
#7363 - 08/30/03 11:39 AM Re: What if you really wanted to be a victim?
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
Me too Ron....

Dave

_________________________
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

Top
#7364 - 09/01/03 06:40 PM Re: What if you really wanted to be a victim?
jonathan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/01/03
Posts: 6
Loc: southern california
Hello men:

This is actually the first time I've posted here. I was just so overwhelmed by the things I read in this particular thread, from top to bottom, that I had to respond. I have no desire to shift any focus on your original post, Jim, but what you shared I could have written. Actually, much of what most of you wrote felt like things I could have written.

For me it started with my uncle when I was 5, but his son, my cousin first approached me when I was 9. He was about 10 years older than me. For a couple of months it was just him and me, and him holding me, kissing and hugging me. I think I would have done anything for that to continue...maybe forever. Pretty soon it progressed onto pretty extreme stuff and many other men involved.

I did the same thing though. No matter what I was asked to to, I did it because I knew after it was all over my cousin would hold me, and that just was the thing I was living for I guess. I just about melted with your comment, Jake, when you said that there were a thousand other ways he could have shown me affection, but he chose to let me be used. Man, I've been working through this for many years, and somehow the way you said that hit me deep inside in a way I've never really thought before. I still feel responsible for what happened, even though my head tells me otherwise.

Thanks for letting me share a bit. This is really new for me. To tell the truth, I think I am pretty isolated in all of this and it is an unexpected thing to see all of you supporting each other. Sorta scares me to tell the truth.

Jonathan


Top
Page 2 of 3 < 1 2 3 >


Moderator:  ModTeam, TJ jeff 

I agree that my access and use of the MaleSurvivor discussion forums and chat room is subject to the terms of this Agreement. AND the sole discretion of MaleSurvivor.
I agree that my use of MaleSurvivor resources are AT-WILL, and that my posting privileges may be terminated at any time, and for any reason by MaleSurvivor.