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#73422 - 08/11/05 07:23 PM Re: The Other Little Boy Who Hurts (Triggers)
Ivanhoe Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/19/03
Posts: 1907
Jasper,

I've carried your letter with me all morning. I couldn't wait to get back to my keyboard to encourage you to write to your brother. And, as a habitual buttinski, I've got a suggestion or two.
I would make it a letter of love for him. I like the way your letter begins about the two of you sharing that certain sense of humor. If I may, I would go on to say how much you wish that you could have whisked the two of you away. That you wish that you were old enough, then, to have held him and kept him safe...to have kept you both safe.
Tell him how you have longed for that to have never happened, to neither one of you.
I would tell him, that if it isn't too painful for him to talk about, you'd like for your relationship to get back to where you were when you were kids, when there wasn't that abuse going on.
If he's half as neat as you say that he was, I think that he would respond to maybe hearing you say that you loved him, that you always loved him, but that you were scared out of you mind most of time.
Good luck, Jasper, I wish that I had a brother who would write that to me, or to whom I could write words of love.

David

_________________________
"No soul is desolate as long as there is a human being for whom it can feel trust and reverence."
George Eliot

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#73425 - 08/11/05 09:31 PM Re: The Other Little Boy Who Hurts (Triggers)
Ivanhoe Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/19/03
Posts: 1907
Yes, I understand. Sorry, for going off in the wrong direction.
He may never, "get it."
Good luck to you, I'm glad you're part of our family.

David

_________________________
"No soul is desolate as long as there is a human being for whom it can feel trust and reverence."
George Eliot

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#73428 - 08/16/05 10:17 AM Re: The Other Little Boy Who Hurts (Triggers)
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Jasper,

This is so difficult, especially since none of us here really know much about your brother. And of course we are all different people, with different pasts and different views of the world. All I can offer is what I think I would do if I were in your situation.

Look at your earliest posts on this thread. You really do love Paulie. He, he has said and done some hurtful things, and yes, it is painful that he denies what you know your other brother did. But I think you may be right about why he is doing this: he is trying to deny and/or minimize what happened to him, and just as he figures he's got it made, here comes Jasper again to remind him that he is living a lie. So yes, your take on things makes great sense, and if you are right then your efforts to establish a good relationship with him are even more threatening to him and his effort to keep up appearances.

So how much of a relationship can you two have with this problem between you? That is where it gets tough Jasper. You are a survivor of terrible abuse as a child and you need to recover somehow. This is something you need to do for YOU!!!! It is so important, and you have to set yourself as a priority.

One way forward might be to try to remember that Paulie is reacting to his abuse history and not to you personally. Perhaps you can accept what is available right now and simply live with him as he is, hoping that he may change his mind one day. Who knows, but I seems to me that he won't, and in any case, this would require huge emotional resources from you dedicated to him.

You may find that making concessions like this is just too painful and disempowering. In that case, we come back to the fact that on this issue you have to come first. Personally, I would not go so far as to break off with him completely right away. But if you find that you need to keep withdrawing away from him further and further for your own good, then so be it.

The bottom line is this Jasper. You deserve a lot better than this. He may have issues, but he shouldn't be venting them on you. You need to be out of range one way or another, and that means finding a safe distance. Whether that leaves you with any relationship at all with Paulie is a question only you can answer.

Just remember that you have friends who care for you a lot and will support you however this works out.

Take care,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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#73430 - 08/16/05 01:42 PM Re: The Other Little Boy Who Hurts (Triggers)
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Jasper,

To be absolutely honest I feel I am treading on egg shells here. I know you feel really betrayed by your brother, and of course you are the only one who can decide how you will deal with that. On the other hand, I just hope you don't cut things off too fast and with no hope of any future reconciliation. You just never know, right?

Lots of love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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#73432 - 08/16/05 03:13 PM Re: The Other Little Boy Who Hurts (Triggers)
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Jasper,

Grieving is a part of healing, so yes, I understand and I think you are on the right track.

But there was one thing that just jumped off the page at me: I am so surprised I didn't see this before:

Quote:
I'll stop kicking myself for somehow not being able to put things right.
It was never your task to put all this right! It wasn't you who messed it all up in the first place. It's not your fault. If some gesture of yours can start a process of healing, great. But if that doesn't or can't happen you still have to move on and heal.

Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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