SD, been married for 19ys, {last week)2 kids, 2 dogs, i have been struggling w/ the idenity issue for a while as well. I acted out on my urges,my wife knows this. got me in trouble and my wife has stuck by me. I cant see life without her. when i came clean on all this to her it was hard for both of us of course. but we are working through it and rediscovering each other, really , somethings we are discovering for the first time. anyway that part is going great. In reply to the father issue: i am feeling as if i didnt have a father growing up,he was home, but spent no time withe me. I have been craving male compaionship my whole life. I think the only way my body knew how to get male companionship was thru sex. Finially dealing with SA has helped me see this and stop the dangerous behavior that had become habit. I thought i was gay then i didnt. back and forth. now that i am getting help and starting to understand what the SA has done to me i hope an pray my family is all i need. Sorry this probley wasn't helpful, but it felt good to ramble abit. hang in there.
Jeff

I am in the same boat.

For sure I am gay. lso I have been married and as most say even my wife: all worth it.

e have you and most at a disadvantage. We are both
professional health care types.

My issues as to being both a rather gay person were never an issues as I was first a person and a male.
The sexual parts of our years have been less that a perfect "10" more like a belly flop in the Olympics.

What keeps us together is love, my Quaker roots are also an asset. I am so passive, non violent
is not the right word but "considerate".


I prefer the gay or sexual ID areas here.

So, big issue and you have found a friend.

I sometimes would like to have a man but with HIV and such: no way, amigo. But yes, I still miss that. I am still a bit "Gay". Yes!

I write poems and short stories. But love is what I suspect drives you inside.

Love has costs and sometimes they are a high tax.

That is enough now.

Cyberhug at a safe level!

RockyMtJoe

Hi SD,
There may be nothing new for you in what I can say but here is my cents worth anyway, I am mostly gay and in a long-term relationship with a man. I have had relationships with women since I came out so I have some confusion about my own identity.

On the issue of unloving dads and still seeking to fulfil that need. My own take on that is that a gay relationship will not fulfil that childhood need any more than a hetero one will fulfil the need for a caring mother. I talked to my dad recently and the fact that he has no love to give me and never had seemed clearer in me than ever. I felt the need of male love and comfort really strongly, it is not a need my partner could fulfil I still need to mourn what I never had. I think that homosexuality and the need for father love are separate; we do of course bring our unmet childhood needs into any relationship.

Maybe a men’s therapy group or something similar would help meet the need for male nurturing in a safe way. I was in a men’s group that was about sexuality, I wasn’t ready for the subject matter and didn’t like the group but the connection between the participants and men being close and trusting of each other was a new and helpful experience for me, I think I will do a men’s ongoing group again. I don’t tend to find connecting with men easy so I am hoping this will help.

Peter

SD

I am separated from my wife of 18 years and it is tough. The main reason for the separation and probably divorce is not directly related to my being gay but other factors. Ever since I have started working on the CSA issue almost 3 years ago the marriage has been taking a nose dive. I realized that our relationship was more charade than actual.

One group that I have found helpful is GAMMA (gay and married mens association). There are local chapters which meet either once or twice a month. I have found it helpful, because most of the participants are married and working on their issues. The most important part for me is that I am not the only one struggling with being gay and CSA. I have to travel a distance to go to the meetings but it is worth the trip. I hope this helps we all have to tackle this situation the best we can with the information that we have. Also, I have discovered none of the members are judgemental but accept us as we are. I have also developed some friends to contact outside of the meetings, which goes a long way to maintaining a balance in this area.

Chuck

Sophiesdad
We and certainly me are with you, wish you were
here in Colorado at the end of Spring:

The rivers run fast from the snow melting off and wash away all the crap that collected over the last year.

It never washes all my memories away but it helps.

"out here in the country"

Vaya Con Dios, Amigo


Joe

just a cowboy in the sand........
you are special, amigo (friend).

SD,

feel free to PM me but I went through a 15 year marriage but am now happily divorced for a little over a year.

Much of the stress of the marriage is gone, but now new ones have cropped up, noteably the fear of simply living the rest of my life alone.

Anyway, I can share my experience with you if you wish, privately.

Cheers,

Jimmer