i am SO ANGRY right now.
a "friend" of mine stopped by earlier. i havent been returning his calls, or any calls really. i feel like im much too crazy and emotional right now to deal with people. he knows ive been dealing with some things lately, but i choose to not talk to people about what exactly is going on. i cant bring myself to say certain words. i dont want to be judged. i dont want to feel that overwhelming wave of shame when those words leave my mouth. so i just say im having personal problems. and most people dont have the balls to pry any further. anyway. apparently he does. i gave him my usual speech and he just looked at me and said "what is going on, really" i froze for a second, and then i heard the words coming out of my mouth. i dont know how or why, but i just told him. i told myself, eventually i have to just put myself out there and trust someone enough to not be ashamed of all of this. and i consider him a really close friend. why not give him the benefit of the doubt. hes not going to judge me, is he?
so there we were. him, staring at me, looking very uncomfortable. and me, holding my breath, trying to will myself to not throw up or cry. holding my breath, just hoping that hed say something reassuring and make me feel less humiliated and awkward. and then he looked away. and laughed a bit, and said, "well, youre gay, arent you supposed to like men anyway?" and he laughed, completely nervous, trying to make light of what must have been a brutally disturbing moment for him.
now that im sitting here writing this, i dont know why i didnt choke him to death. or cry. or say something . but i didnt. i just sat there like an idiot. i knew that he was just trying to ease the intensity of the situation. but somehow, now, that doesnt seem to matter. i am so angry. at him and at everyone like him, who cant understand that this isnt a joke. that saying something funny doesnt help. had i told him the details of what happened, i know there is no way hed have mad e a joke like that. but why do i have to go into detail to have his support.
YES, im gay. but WTF does that have to do with anything, why does that mean i should have somehow ENJOYED it. i DIDNT. and im ANGRY.
the one good thing that came out of this stupid situation is that, for the first time, i actually felt VERY VERY PISSED OFF. not at him necessarily, but at the circumstances that brought me to that conversation with him. and for the first time, i actually BELIEVE that this is not my fault. i didnt cause this. i didnt want this. and it is NOT MY FAULT.