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#73268 - 05/30/05 09:37 PM THIS IS NOT MY FAULT
puppy Offline
Member

Registered: 05/28/05
Posts: 129
Loc: earth
i am SO ANGRY right now.

a "friend" of mine stopped by earlier. i havent been returning his calls, or any calls really. i feel like im much too crazy and emotional right now to deal with people. he knows ive been dealing with some things lately, but i choose to not talk to people about what exactly is going on. i cant bring myself to say certain words. i dont want to be judged. i dont want to feel that overwhelming wave of shame when those words leave my mouth. so i just say im having personal problems. and most people dont have the balls to pry any further. anyway. apparently he does. i gave him my usual speech and he just looked at me and said "what is going on, really" i froze for a second, and then i heard the words coming out of my mouth. i dont know how or why, but i just told him. i told myself, eventually i have to just put myself out there and trust someone enough to not be ashamed of all of this. and i consider him a really close friend. why not give him the benefit of the doubt. hes not going to judge me, is he?

so there we were. him, staring at me, looking very uncomfortable. and me, holding my breath, trying to will myself to not throw up or cry. holding my breath, just hoping that hed say something reassuring and make me feel less humiliated and awkward. and then he looked away. and laughed a bit, and said, "well, youre gay, arent you supposed to like men anyway?" and he laughed, completely nervous, trying to make light of what must have been a brutally disturbing moment for him.

now that im sitting here writing this, i dont know why i didnt choke him to death. or cry. or say something . but i didnt. i just sat there like an idiot. i knew that he was just trying to ease the intensity of the situation. but somehow, now, that doesnt seem to matter. i am so angry. at him and at everyone like him, who cant understand that this isnt a joke. that saying something funny doesnt help. had i told him the details of what happened, i know there is no way hed have mad e a joke like that. but why do i have to go into detail to have his support.

YES, im gay. but WTF does that have to do with anything, why does that mean i should have somehow ENJOYED it. i DIDNT. and im ANGRY.

the one good thing that came out of this stupid situation is that, for the first time, i actually felt VERY VERY PISSED OFF. not at him necessarily, but at the circumstances that brought me to that conversation with him. and for the first time, i actually BELIEVE that this is not my fault. i didnt cause this. i didnt want this. and it is NOT MY FAULT.

_________________________
pUpPy

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#73270 - 05/31/05 12:43 AM Re: THIS IS NOT MY FAULT
Rustam Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/27/04
Posts: 431
Loc: UK
That took courage to tell the secret and it sounds like you broke the shame in the telling. Your friends reaction was certainly not the reaction you deserved. I know that most if not all the people in my life have a hard time dealing with the reality of this stuff and that includes my partner. Sometimes people just donít know what to say, they donít want to take in just how awful people can be.

Being gay as you say has nothing to do with how horrible abuse is, a child is a child.
The anger is so appropriate and itís saying to ourselves it was not our fault, wrong was done to us and we did nothing to deserve it.

Peter.


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#73272 - 06/03/05 01:00 AM Re: THIS IS NOT MY FAULT
beginning Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 06/01/05
Posts: 3
Loc: northern california
it does not sound like your friend respected your boundaries at all then, and ya, I'd sure be pissed off. i've found that sometimes the people who are offending the most may be showing something too, whether they realize it or not...perhaps he was or perhaps he wansn't...
i hope that person can see something of what he did and won't again...and hopefully can be friends again, just not like *that*...creep

unfortunately for me i am someone who was abused by my father throughout my childhood, am gay, and humiliatingly enough, amongst every other way of being violated in that murderous nightmarish way i did find enjoyment with it--my shrink is even saying that this is not uncommon, and in things i've read and such. so there are people (like myself) who are living with that we had enjoyment of it, however varied

...twisted, never had any other "love" and this was what it was supposed to be...i was made to think that is was against my will and eventaully accepted it--a real mess i was put in and am struggling with every day...confusing...but what i got to work with


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