Jasper50,

I read in your previous posts that you are seeing a therapist. Please continue. Your T will help you deal with these fragmented memories, to help make some sense of them, to see them from a new adult perspective so that they no longer are fearful to you.

I started dealing with my abuse when I turned 50. I kept silent about it for over 38 years. I told no one, not even my wife. It finally got so painful that I had to do something. That was seven and a half years ago now. Things are much better for me now although I've gone through a lot of additional trauma in my life since I started my healing journey.

Take good care of yourself, you're among friends here who do understand.

Steve

Jasper50,

I was diagnosed with PTSD too. I always remembered what happened but I had convinced myself of two very opposing viewpoints: one, that I was the only one that this ever happened to and it was all my fault; two, that this happened to every boy and no one ever talked about it. I would get angry for no apparent reason, I was moody, I did a lot of things that I'm not proud of, but I made it far enough in life to start taking care of those issues.

The first therapist lent me "Victims No Longer" by Mike Lew. I couldn't put it down. I put a dustcover from a mystery novel I had been reading and I read it everywhere. I felt that it had been written for me, about me. I didn't feel alone. I highly reccommend it and you can buy it through the website.

I went to a retreat put on by Mike Lew after my first year in therapy. I was so afraid. Everyone would know. Everyone in that room had been through something, that's why they were there. I felt a kinship, a fellowship, a brotherhood. Something that I'd never felt before. The MS NOMSV retreats are a different format but they are very good too. They are starting up again and I know that they've helped me get to where I am now.

I feel better about myself now that I have in all of my memory. I want the same for all of the guys here on this site.

Take good care of yourself,

Steve