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#73214 - 05/03/05 07:13 AM My story TRIGGER WARNING
xyretpa Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 05/03/05
Posts: 4
Loc: Las Vegas, NV
Hello. I am here at this site because my best friend told me that I need to talk to people who have gone through what I have gone through. She said that I need to try and reach a state of normalty. Like my life two years ago. I don't know what group I qualify in, as in sexual abuse, harrassment, or an encounter gone wrong. I don't know other peoples stories, all I know is that I am still having nightmares about my four encounters a little over a year ago. I am 17 years old. February of 2004 I had my first sexual encounter. We met in chatroom (evil chatrooms) and he just wanted to give me head, so I was young and weak, not full of confidance so I said why the hell not. The only problem was that I even considered going through with it. I just went forward with the plan, I got to his house and he turned on pornography and took off my pants, and gave me head. He was smoking. He smelled aweful, he was probably five years older than me. I just closed my eyes, stayed quiet and let it happen. When I got home my clothes smelled of tobacco. I can't stand it anymore when people smoke around me, that tobacco smell always brings back my memory of that first time. The second time was a person in a chatroom, and we talked for a couple months before I met him, so there was some sort of false familiarity. I went over to his house after my parents went to bed and we sat and watched t.v. and drank. I wasn't there more than five minutes before we were both in his room having sex. I didn't plan for that, I didn't want that, it was very uncomfortable, no protection, he was only a couple years older than me, he wanted to keep kissing me, I just wanted it to be over, I couldn't leave in the middle, I was too weak to say no. I closed my eyes, stayed quiet and let it happen. After it was done and he was asleep I left, still a little drunk, drove home, and I couldn't sleep that night, I was in too much physical pain. My third encounter was one of the bad, it was june by this time. I met again this person in a chatroom and talked a couple weeks before I was over at his appartment, he didn't look like his picture, they never look like their pictures. I couldn't leave, I didn't have that much will power in me, I felt that if I did it again, maybe i would feel needed, wanted, but it didn't happen. He was much older than me, probably 10 years plus. He put on some porn as soon as I stepped in the appartment and he locked the door. I just should have left, but I don't know what I needed, why I needed to stay there. The pornography was foreign, and most likely illeagle. He took off my clothes, I let him, he took off his clothes and I closed my eyes and let it happen. This was more painful than the last time. Physically I couldn't do it. But I didn't have the power to stop then. When it was over, I left on the brink of tears, I got into my car and vomitted, I drove home and vomitted some more, I couldn't sleep for a couple days, 3 hours at the most each night. I vowed never to have sex again, because it was just too emotionally, physically, and mentally traumatizing. But that july, the last straw was taken. I was at my neighborhood gym, and after working out I took my normal shower. I have been uncomfortable taking a shower nude, even though there were partitions in the shower area for privacy. So I was wearing a bathing suit. I was in the middle of my shower when I felt a guys erect penis behind me. He started to kiss my neck, and I let him, I let the uncomfort subside, I wanted to feel needed, to feel wanted, I let him do what he wanted. When he grabbed my penis, I got more uncomfortable. We had sex in the shower, unprotected again. I have never taken a shower there since. I have a hard time even going to that gym. I have had unprotected sex four times, four random people, three I approached, one was approached my, I want to say they were all out of my control, but as a human nothing should be out of my control. I am avoiding a lot of things that remind me of those times. I had a girlfriend(even though I am gay, I was in the closet at the time) and that summer she wanted to have sex, I said no, so she settled for me fingering her, this was after july, and I just wanted to sit there and watch the movie, but she took my hand and put it down her pants, and I did what she wanted me to do, I was on the brink of tears again because the physical contact was making me so nervous and uncomfortable. When she tried to touch any part of my stomach, I spasmed out of control, to the brink of anxiety attack. I cannot be touched, I cannot touch, I cannot get all of this out of my mind. I am avoiding life, I have no social life beyond my one good friend who I am here because of. I don't know how to move on because everything reminds me. That is my story, I said before I don't know what I am classified under, but that is what happened. I don't think I deserve sympathy because I brought this all on myself, I had choices and I made bad ones. I just don't know how to move on from here.


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#73215 - 05/03/05 10:33 AM Re: My story TRIGGER WARNING
LostinPA Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/04/05
Posts: 120
Loc: Lancaster, PA
xyretpa,
Often it is the case that desire stirs the mind but as a minor and unable to say "no" you were not in control so you feel all the shame and self hate and guilt as do most of the men in here. Welcome! Please be cautious while you are susceptible and know that you can find healing and self forgiveness. I strongly urge you to find a qualified counselor (perhaps through the gay community center in your locataion if they have one). This is tough work and you are brave to have told your story. I will share this information with you, that I have always struggled with saying "NO" and I know how easy it is to be taken advantage of as a result. That is how a good therapist can help by helping you find the voice to say no. We will support you as best we can. Remember though, this is your journey, you have to take each step to wellness. Here, you are not doing that alone. Welcome!
Ric

_________________________
LostinPA
Ric

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#73216 - 05/03/05 04:11 PM Re: My story TRIGGER WARNING
dwf Offline
Moderator/BoD Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/24/03
Posts: 1223
Loc: Austin, Texas USA
Hello xretpa,

It sounds like you have a very good friend who cares for you a great deal to offer you the direction towards MaleSurvivor.

This is a safe place to be for those of us who are hurt, confused and having difficulties due to the effects of sexual abuse in our lives.

Ric is right on the money when he suggests finding a place in your community where you can receive professional help with this painful part of your life.

If you have trouble locating a therapist and would like some help, please email me or one of the other moderators and we will be glad to be of assistance.

Dealing with the effects of sexual abuse or even the suspicion of sexual abuse is not something that we should try to do by ourselves. I think of it like practicing brain surgery on myself in the privacy of my bedroom. Not a good idea!

In my community there is a non-profit, community based counseling center for gays and lesbians. They offer counseling on a sliding scale; since I am disabled I pay only $30 a session. It has been invaluable to my recovery. It is very possible that such a place exists in LV also.

In the meantime, please know that there are people here who care very much about what has happened to you. We are here to help, that is the purpose of our whole organization. So please don't be shy about asking any questions, you will be helping us to achieve our purpose when you do.

Finally, I would ask you to consider keeping an open mind as to what happened to you. It is so common for many of us to not want to consider what happened as sexual abuse. For now, you might want to just concentrate on your feelings of pain and discomfort and focus on getting help with them.

You are the most important person in this whole equation and it is your peace, happiness and life that need to be taken care of.

Please keep coming back and reading and posting as you feel fit to do so. There are no musts here, but I would strongly encourage you to keep coming back.

My heart goes out to you as I remember the sadness and pain that comes with living alone with the effects of the sexual abuse in my life. I was 15 years old when it started and I too sought it out, or so it seemed.

The good news is that you are here today and have shared some of your story with men who understand because we have been through it too.

You never have to live alone with this pain again.

Welcome to MaleSurvivor. We are glad you are here.

Regards,

_________________________
"Poke salad Annie, 'gators got you granny
Everybody said it was a shame
'Cause her mama was aworkin' on the chain-gang"

-Tony Joe White

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#73217 - 05/03/05 11:13 PM Re: My story TRIGGER WARNING
xyretpa Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 05/03/05
Posts: 4
Loc: Las Vegas, NV
Hey, first off I would like to thank the moderators and other users who sent words of encouragement and secondly I would like to appologize for not searching the policies about the Trigger Warning part. I know I am not to blame, but it seemed obvious that something needed to be said as a warning. But I am have been reading a lot that this site has to offer and hearing that people do overcome their past is comforting. Thanks again to those who sent replies and made me feel welcome here.


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#73218 - 05/04/05 09:32 AM Re: My story TRIGGER WARNING
lostcowboy Offline
Member

Registered: 11/10/04
Posts: 797
Loc: North Texas
Hi XYRETPA, I hope you don't mind a straight guy talking to you. I am worried about this behavior that you are showing of meet in chat, go to the guy's place watch some porn and have unprotected sex. I also don't like you not being able to say no, or stop, just letting it happen even though you had changed your mind. I want to grab you by the shoulders and shout at you. YOU ARE NOT SOMEONE'S LITTLE FUCK TOY!! You are a human being just like he is, you have just as much rights, and power as he does!

Things I would like you to do, for you!
As you have had unprotected sex, you have to go to a doctor and get yourself tested for STD's! If you are still in pain from the sex, you need to have that looked into also.

About dating, if you have to find them on the internet do be careful, the first of several dates should be in safe places, like a coffee house, movie house, restaurant, etc. If after seeing him in real life, you want to take it to the next level go at your speed. I know there are guys that like and want to have sex with a lot of partners, but from reading your story, I don't think you are one of them. I think you are more into relationships, and you need time to develop them.
I did some looking on the net for you, there is a place in LV, that I think would be a good place for you to check out. http://www.thecenter-lasvegas.com/ They have a youth meeting there every Thursday at 6 PM. Also see if they have a counselor, I really don't like the not being able to say no, and the zoning out of your body during the sex, and the not being able to touch or be touched. Even though you did not say no, you did not want the sex to go as far as it did. You were not willing, and that is why you are having the same type of symptoms as the rest of us are having, I think. Could you also have had some type of childhood abuse that you don't remember, that the sex is bringing to the surface? Whatever the case, do feel free to post here, in any of the forums.

_________________________
"Don't walk in front of me, I may not follow. Don't walk behind me, I may not lead. Just walk beside me and be my friend." - Albert Camus
Pretty much my life as I have posted so far. Triggers!

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#73219 - 05/04/05 02:25 PM Re: My story TRIGGER WARNING
xyretpa Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 05/03/05
Posts: 4
Loc: Las Vegas, NV
Thanks cowboy for your words and I do not mind talking to straight guys about what happened to me. I should clarify that the last event was last July and I haven't done anything since because I can't- physically or emotionally; and I won't because physically and emotionally I know its harming. But those four times I just needed to feel wanted, feel needed, feel good about myself, but in retrospect I realize that it would be impossible to get that the way I was going about it. April 12th I got my HIV-AIDS anti-body test and it did come back negative, and that was a great relief to me. I know about the center here in Las Vegas, but I am not comfortable around many of the gay people who go there, because of the cliques that form. And I am 100% positive that I was not S.A. as a child before last year. It does not seem in the character of any of my family members. Thank you again for your concern, and I will continue to post about this and maybe post in other message boards because all you guys here truly mean what you say and that is comforting.


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