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#73157 - 03/27/05 12:29 AM This is me. (triggers)
Mark R. Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/27/05
Posts: 28
Loc: Santa Cruz, CA
I’m sorry this is so long. It may have a lot of triggers. It started out one way and ended another. I have never told anyone this – never have I let it out. I decided to leave it like it is. It is me, good or bad. I am learning to accept me as I am. I am posting here because this is where I feel safe with my gay friends and family. I trust you.

It’s so confusing – gay, straight, bi? It has taken a long time to get to where I am, wherever that is. I feel like my life is a large white sheet of paper, totally blank, and right in the middle is a red arrow with a posting “You are here.” Where the hell is here? Sexual identity is hard when you are a SA survivor. I’ve given up trying to fix blame or have regrets. I am learning to accept myself, love myself for my uniqueness, regardless of how I got to be whom I am. I am working to remove the hate from my experiences and enjoy the good.

I am bisexual. I am gay. I am straight. My experiences have made me who I am. I don’t want to hate myself anymore. My first experience was as a young boy, 9, when an older boy, 11 or 12, touched me. It felt good to feel his hands on me. Then he undid his pants and without thinking, I reached out to touch him. I knew this was wrong, yet I wanted to do it. Next he leaned over and began to suck me. The warmth and softness of his mouth was wonderful. I didn’t suck him and he didn’t ask me too. So, am I gay because I was touched at such a young age, an inappropriate age for such an experience, or am I gay because that is who I am? The next day I started giving sucking the other little boys in my neighborhood, maybe 5 to 10, all my age. I couldn’t understand why they didn’t like it like I did, why didn’t they want to do it again and to suck me. This was something wonderful, yet they didn’t care. Looking back I had to be gay and just didn’t know what that was.

My next experience was with George. We had moved and I met a new friend. He was a grade ahead of me. I was now in 4th grade and he was in 5th. He was my first boyfriend. As much a boyfriend as you could have at that age. We quickly became sexually involved. He enjoyed giving and receiving. I had met someone who felt like me. He was also larger than I was and I enjoyed having him fuck me. I was too small to fuck him. I became a bottom. How do you become a bottom at the age of 10? We discovered anal sex all on our own, no one showed us. He was my boyfriend for two years. Then my family moved again. I missed him; I missed holding him, being close to him, lying in bed with him. I didn’t think of him as a boyfriend or a lover. He was my friend and together, we shared our secret.

After that I would search out for other boys and when I became a teen I found young men, 3-8 years older than me. My want for boys fell sharply when I became 16. I discovered girls. This was a “safe, normal” outlet for my sexual needs. Then as an adult I again began to seek out men.
My real problems began while I was in 4th grade. It was while I was in fourth grade that I my SA began and would last for 5 years. This is what really added guilt to my life. George was wonderful, my abuser, Lawrence (Larry) Carrilho, was hell. He was nice, never forceful, but he was an adult and he was fucking with my mind, my since of trust and my childhood. I remember, I have never forgotten, never had a loss of memory. I remember every time, and since he repeated the abuse each time just like the first time, some of them tend to blend together as one big memory. My mother met him somehow and he offered me a job on Saturdays. He owned a small hotel with kitchens. On Saturday my mother would take me to him to help cleanup. I would pick up cigarette buts out of the planters and sweep and clean the walkways. The very first time I worked for him he waited until I did the work and then took me into a small hotel room. He sat me down and sat next to me. Immediately I knew this was weird. I didn’t know what to do. Next he began to examine my arm and pushed my hand until it rested upon the bulge in his pants. I was petrified. I knew this was his penis and what was happening was wrong. The boy when I was 9 didn’t scare me; this was freaking me out. Next he insisted that I needed a bath and undressed himself and me and took me into the shower. There he washed my back and penis while rubbing himself against my butt. This lasted until he couldn’t stand it any longer and had me get out to dry off while he “finished” showering. When it was over and we were dressed he gave me $2.00 and took me back to my mother. I didn’t know what to do – I didn’t do anything. The next week my mother took me back again and again and again for my “job.” Wasn’t I a big boy. It was the same every week. After my work I needed a shower. I never resisted, I just did what he said to do. Later when I was 13 and able to climax I wouldn’t give him the pleasure of having me climax. It wasn’t something I did consciously, I just resisted. He would rub himself against me and, reaching around, he would rub me, for 15 or 20 minutes he would have me turn and face him, rub our penises together, then turn away and rub his penis between my butt cheeks. Once I almost climaxed, but fought it and waited until I got out of the shower. Sometimes he would let me steer his car. He would sit in the drivers seat and pull me close to him to steer while unzipping my pants to fondled me. I hated it all, yet I loved the feeling and his kind attention to me. My mother was very strict and my fatter didn’t get involved. He was always nice to me, never raped me or forced me to touch him. All those years and I never touched him. It was his one act of sexual kindness. Once he did enter me while in the shower. It felt good but he pulled out. My only control was to stand there, with no reaction at all, good or bad, and just stare at the shower wall. I would go somewhere else, while my body betrayed me, and enjoyed his touching. He was a friend with my parents and I had to see him all the time. It finally ended when my family moved out of stat when I was in 9th grade. He once came to visit us when I was in 11th grade. He and his wife were visiting. I never said a word. I kept the secret. I didn’t hate him, I didn’t like him; I was numb – no feelings about his abuse. I just did nothing. I just kept going back to him like a robot, a sex slave. Even today it is hard for me to get angry and hate him. I buried my feelings so deep that I still can’t find them.

Later when I tried to have sex with girls I couldn’t climax without a lot of work. It would take 15-30 minutes of intercourse before I could climax. Often I wasn’t even able to get an erection. I was 17 and having ED problems! Once a girl tried to give me a BJ and it freaked me out. I lost my erection and panicked. I was humiliated and feared her telling anyone that I wasn’t a man.
With boys I was OK, but girls frightened me. It wasn’t until after I came out as gay and began to face my SA monster that I was able to begin to have a climax like a normal guy. I actually envied the guys that could climax after 4-8 minutes of sex. Only when I masturbated alone was I able to have a normal climax. Even now, I seem to enjoy masturbating alone rather than having sex. When I am with men I become the abused boy. I am there for them. I “service” their needs and have trouble getting an erection. When I have anal sex I want to be in control. I like being on top; I am in control. I enjoy seeing their face, seeing the enjoyment they are getting from what I am doing. I seem to have a great need to be sexually pleasing. Perhaps that is why I like masturbating alone, it frees me to be pleased. I am pleasing myself.

I have a great difficulty being friends with straight men, even my brother, but enjoy the friendship of gay men. I came out as gay and lived as gay (The most liberating event in my life.) for 5 years. I then went back to a heterosexual relationship. I am on my third marriage. My wife knows everything, and is very accepting. She accepts me as a bisexual, and knows of my preference for gay men, but I’m sexually loyal to her. As I said, I am learning to accept myself. I love hugs from men, like softer men (muscle men remind me of the mean jocks in high school), like being a bottom, enjoy oral sex, I am not a size queen- I actually like smaller men, Given a cute guy and a gorgeous woman – I’ll check out the guy first. I love my wife dearly, I love my children, and I’ll never be ashamed again of being gay, of my abuse.

I don't know why I told all of this - there is so much more. I am no longer shamed. thank you for your love and kindness, thank you to all my gay brothers.

Mark R.

_________________________
In others we find strength to face our monster, in helping others we can become the giant that defeats the monsters.

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#73158 - 03/29/05 06:24 PM Re: This is me. (triggers)
Rustam Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/27/04
Posts: 470
Loc: UK
Hi Mark,

I identify as gay but after coming out I had a couple of relationships with women. I was surprised to fall in love with women. I found the problems I have with intimacy and sex were much the same whatever the sex of my partner. I am not too clear about my sexuality but I have lived with a man whom I love for the last eight years and frankly at this stage in my life I don’t care who I love its loving well that concerns me. The idea that it is better or more moral to love someone of the opposite sex just makes no sense to me. When people know that I am with a man they assume I am gay and that’s fine with me, people seem to need to categories. This site has brought up questions about sexuality for me and I am glad to explore and understand myself better with regard to this. As you say not being ashamed and accepting ourselves for who we are is the most important thing.

I don’t know very much about what is normal childhood sexual behaviour. But the ‘sexual activity’ you describe before the age of ten seems unusual and age inappropriate to me, no matter what the sexuality of a child. As you say “how do you become a bottom at 10”. A boy and a girl at age ten having that level of sexual activity would be equally concerning I think. Sexualising relationships; same sex or opposite seems to me to point to something being wrong at such a young age even if it felt good. Just my two pence.

Thanks for sharing so much, so honestly.

Rustam.


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#73159 - 03/30/05 06:28 PM Re: This is me. (triggers)
Mark R. Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/27/05
Posts: 28
Loc: Santa Cruz, CA
Rustam

Thanks for replying. I agree; the behavior at such an early age was not normal. But I don't know how to explain it. If being gay is nature and not nurture, then did something click? I am grateful that I have no desire to be involved with children, boy or girl. In fact, because of my childhood I am very sensitive to any adult being with a child. And there is something in me that wants to reach out and love a child – to comfort. Perhaps an inner need to reach out and comfort my own childhood. What I do know is that it stole from my childhood and had me doing adult things with other children. I can't keep destroying myself as an adult for my childhood. Accepting without blame of guilt is part of moving on. Looking back I look for the good in me. I didn't force another child, I didn't rape anyone, I kept to my age group or older, I didn't bully others, I was kind to children and animals, I wanted to be kind and helpful, I didn't do any drugs or criminal activity. I chose my friends carefully, and hopefully wisely. Considering all that has happened - I was a good kid - with a very strange childhood. Like I said, less harshness, more self-loving. Accepting who we were as children, as we lived our life, good or bad, is important to healing.

Mark

_________________________
In others we find strength to face our monster, in helping others we can become the giant that defeats the monsters.

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#73160 - 03/31/05 01:33 AM Re: This is me. (triggers)
Rustam Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/27/04
Posts: 470
Loc: UK
Hi Mark,

Just wanted to clarify my response to your post. I am sorry if there was any hint or implication that you did something wrong as a kid, that is not what I intended to convey at all, that hadn’t crossed my mind. I meant that I would be concerned for the welfare of a child at that age being so sexualised whatever the cause.

Sorry again if I wasn’t clear.

Rustam.


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#73161 - 03/31/05 05:46 AM Re: This is me. (triggers)
dwf Offline
Moderator/BoD Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/24/03
Posts: 1223
Loc: Austin, Texas USA
Hi Mark,

I've just had the opportunity to read your post.
I wanted to add my welcome to you and say also thank you for sharing your story so honestly.

You are right about more self acceptance and healing. They are both very much connected in my journey of recovery.

I am glad that you have found this place and appreciate your remarks.

Regards,

_________________________
"Poke salad Annie, 'gators got you granny
Everybody said it was a shame
'Cause her mama was aworkin' on the chain-gang"

-Tony Joe White

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#73162 - 04/03/05 03:02 AM Re: This is me. (triggers)
one_day_at_a_time Offline
Member

Registered: 01/03/03
Posts: 42
Loc: North Carolina
Dear Mark,

Although I do not identify myself as gay, I have been questioning it for a long time. I was abused as a child also, and I acted out the abuse with other people when I was younger. As I am becoming a man I am consistently questioning my sexuality. Even though I love girls and frankly, I love pussy, it seems as though I am so worried about being seen as gay by girls ( I was tormented when I was younger by people because I didnt act the most manly or do the most manly things--i.e. I lived in the city and I liked the Spice Girls--big problem when youre in eighth grade). I cant even enjoy sex with a girl because I am so concerened about fucking up and coming to quick or being bad at it. I also enjoy masturbating more because there is no pressure, its just me and no one else to impress. Its my safe place. I didnt start masturbating anally to gay porn until recently. Honestly it is one of the best orgasms I have ever had in my life ( just the feeling is new and different and for some reason I love the feeling of being penetrated anally while I am masturbating--however, I wonder why I need to penetrated ( or violated) in order to reach that pleasure. Also, I wonder if it is better because if I fantasize that I am on top, there is no pressure on me to not cum or to be great--I just can relax and enjoy the whole time. I dont know what is going on in my mind sometimes. Its like i think im straight, but I love the feeling of anal sex and I want to blow a guy so bad sometimes it kills me. Then again, I can turn around and think that I dont want to do those things and I like girls. I am too confused. Maybe its just this time in my life--im only 21--maybe this is a time when i am just supposed to be confused and experimenting and because I was abused when I was younger it is causing me to read into it more than need be. I wish I just knew what my problem was.
I admire you for your courage and honesty with your wife and family.

may God bless and be with you and me my brother,

Mark

_________________________
I found God

now I just need to find myself

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#73163 - 04/03/05 04:40 AM Re: This is me. (triggers)
Mark R. Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/27/05
Posts: 28
Loc: Santa Cruz, CA
Mark;
Thank you for being honest. It takes a great deal of strength in being honest. We hide our joys in fear as if our pleasures are a painful sin. I think that is why some men hate gays so much - they know and hid from themselves, their own joy and pleasures. Your confusion is not in your age; I think it has more to do with learning to accept yourself and finding out that you are not a cookie-cutter-molded male. You are very sensitive and in tune with yourself. Good for you. Your response was heartfelt and comforting. Thank you. With a name like Mark, you must be a wonderful person. ;\) In being honest, we grow stronger together.

Hugs - Mark

_________________________
In others we find strength to face our monster, in helping others we can become the giant that defeats the monsters.

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#73164 - 04/04/05 10:06 AM Re: This is me. (triggers)
Glen Offline
Member

Registered: 12/14/04
Posts: 71
Loc: Wisconsin
Hey guys good luck to you all. I was abused by a woman so I turned to men cause I thought they were safe sexually. At 33 I am questioning this logic. I am not sure what I am sexually anymore not gay maybe bi or hetero but honestly confused.
g

_________________________
Please tell me why..

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#73165 - 04/04/05 09:11 PM Re: This is me. (triggers)
Mark R. Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/27/05
Posts: 28
Loc: Santa Cruz, CA
Glen,

I don't know why I am either. What I do know is that I have decided to accept myself as I am, regardless of how I got there. I guess it depends on the wind. I am gay or bi - who knows. There are things about men that just turn me on - then again there are things about women that turn me on too. I do think that I am more gay than straight. I greatly enjoy my wife and love her, but my fantasies and sexual dreams are about men. I'm having more fun enjoying myself and have decided to stop wasting so much time on worrying how I got there.

Mark

_________________________
In others we find strength to face our monster, in helping others we can become the giant that defeats the monsters.

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#73166 - 04/05/05 04:46 AM Re: This is me. (triggers)
Bobby Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/01/04
Posts: 1287
Loc: Arizona
Thanks, Mark, for your honesty and your willingness to share. I share your problem with sexual identity, and each time I read a post such as yours, I am able to accept myself just a little bit more. Our experiences are very different, but the affect on our sexuality is nearly identical. Your post made me feel like we just might be the really normal ones...if only for a moment. Bobby

_________________________
I'm healing now, and I wasn't sure I would.




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