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#73023 - 02/27/06 10:03 PM Re: A letter to someone
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Titan,

So many others have commented on other important points. I just want to put in a word on this one:

Quote:
So I have stayed away, and started keeping things to myself again, believing that if I try hard enough, maybe i'll forget..
Unfortunately we don't get to forget; we go into denial and then it comes surging back years later, having wrecked so much of our lives in the meantime.

What we get is peace. We get to live our lives with all the joy and fulfillment that should be ours. We get to deny the old memories any ability to further harm us.

All that takes a lot of work, and for a good start on that this is a great place.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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#73024 - 02/28/06 05:42 AM Re: A letter to someone
watstobe Offline
Member

Registered: 02/18/06
Posts: 40
Loc: Jackson, NJ
Adam,you are absolutely correct, in general /I believe those who have been victimized tend to make apologizes even when there is no call for it. We tend to take the blame internally and externally always thinking we are at fault for anything that goes wrong.

Larry,
You are so profoundly correct! Surviving abuse is a long road that must originally take you back to the beginning to that awful tragedy that afflicted us all. Once we learn to face this daemon head on the first step toward the future has begun! So has the hard part working through the horrible memories we fought so hard to forget. As you stated; “ Unfortunately we don't get to forget; we go into denial and then it comes surging back years later, having wrecked so much of our lives in the meantime.”
With all our courageous efforts to fight and rid ourselves of the feeling of worthlessness, dirt and that we are beyond help the memories must be recalled and dealt with. It is only then that the first step forward begins.

Personally speaking, in dealing with the years of abuse I thought once I verbalized what had transpired my world would be better, the nightmares would stop, well this was not the case. The first person I confided in was my mom. This was too overwhelming for her to keep to herself, as promised. She felt by sharing my years of abuse with family that I would get over the tragedy and be done with it. My mom’s first reaction was,“ You don’t have any feelings toward men do you?“ Her tone had such fear in it I replied immediately with “Absolutely Not!“ when indeed I did have such feelings, strong feelings at that. The one stipulation I asked of her was that she could never divulge this information to my father. I already had a bad relationship with him and he always would call me a faggot or a queer whenever “I got out of hand.“ Well, I should have considered this more for it was really too much to ask her to keep to herself. What I didn’t expect was that she would turn around and use this secret as a weapon against me. I was almost 18 and I dealt with the nightmares and the reality I loved men by lashing out with my mouth, I could be very disrespectful at times, which was wrong. On the other hand what my mom did was really very harmful to me mentally. By using this “secret” as a weapon to keep me in control she infused the anger I had deep within. Well, there came a day when I called her on her bluff to tell my father the “secret“, and she did. It took a very long time after that for me to forgive her for having used my abuse against me.

After “the secret” was told I thought I would get the respect from my dad that I deserved. The opposite was true. Pops did not believe what I said was true. His way of dealing with this was to dote over the molester when we got together at a family reunion a week or so later. Pops laughed and played sports with the molester and totally ignored me. This blew me away. I felt dirtier then ever, and so worthless I sought suicide as an answer. I dealt with my pain with anorexia and bulimia, after this I really forged ahead allowing food to be my whole world. I would exercise and loose weight to the point it was a very serious issue. In the meantime, I found myself shriveling up into that little boy who wanted so badly to have someone rescue me. Fear conquered my every being!

I freaked out and allowed my illness to manifest into something physically dangerous. I never tld anyone about this for it was my secret to keep, and I controlled it! I continued to work at a local pizzeria/restaurant and became very good friends with the owner and his wife. This was a very crucial time of my life, so I shut down regarding any thing to do with having feelings and pretended all was OK. I didn't complete the course I had been traveling on, instead I took a detour that left me standing still. For almost 20 years I chose to do anything else other than find peace within my soul. The past was still haunting the present, and it is where I am today.

Several weeks ago the molester tried to contact me and wanted to come for a visit. He has been separated from his wife and four children. At this time I am living alone getting medical treatment for an injury I incurred years ago. Fear took over and I began to shake and shiver then get so angry with myself. I am now a man and I still allow this jerk to have control over my life. I refused to see him, and he tried to insist we get together. I don't believe he wants to harm me today but he has in the past made remarks that I was a nobody who would amount to nothing and that I would never find a woman I would fall in love with. When he told me this only a few years ago I was determined to prove him wrong! I began to date women, but found the stress of dating to be too much for me. I shut down, delved into work and here I am today. I wish I could move on and get past my fears of finding someone I can love. I just want to love someone and to be loved. I am so tired of always feeling and being alone.

I desire to find that peace you speak of in your comment, as well as the "joy and fulfillment that should be ours." As I try to believe this I tend to tell myself it will never come to be. I am in my early 40s already, when will all the pain STOP?

Well, again thanks for your insight. I come to this site periodically and find comfort in knowing I am not alone, that my feelings are actually common amongst us all.

Peace to all.

_________________________
Eddie

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#73025 - 02/28/06 02:20 PM Re: A letter to someone
sonny upside down Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 02/26/06
Posts: 5
Loc: southern california
Eddie,
I am so sorry for what happened to you. your story is very close to mine and the memories of betrayal are ovewhelming. the abuser in my life tries to act as if all is ok and he should forget it and move on. I am 46 and the thought of seeing him shuts me down like it will happen again. The sickest part is that I almost desire him to do those thigs to me. I was a little boy, all alone, and fearful and he filled a place in me that comforted and killed me at the same time. the betrayal when my mother started to sexually abuse me when she found out. I wish you peace. Please know that you are not alone.

_________________________
peace,
sonny
"the woods are lovely, dark and deep
but I have promises to keep.
And miles to go before I sleep,
And miles to go before I sleep."

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#73026 - 02/28/06 02:43 PM Re: A letter to someone
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Eddie,

Quote:
As I try to believe this I tend to tell myself it will never come to be. I am in my early 40s already, when will all the pain STOP?
Just as our abuse histories are all different and we are all different individuals, the course of our recovery will also differ. This isn't something we can cope with alone and a therapist needs to be involved. That said, however, it all depends on us.

We need to face our issues honestly, do the work even when it hurts, refuse to be discouraged, and trust our T to get us through the rough spots with the least possible pain and trauma.

Above all, we need to remember that the truth cannot hurt us and that none of the events and feelings we run up against are our fault. We need to face our feelings and work with them, but at the same time we should refuse to allow them to define us.

There will be many disappointing and frustrating days, but things do get better with time.

Hope this helps.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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#73027 - 03/01/06 06:21 AM Re: A letter to someone
watstobe Offline
Member

Registered: 02/18/06
Posts: 40
Loc: Jackson, NJ
Larry, as always your words of wisdom are taken to heart! I will think about what you said regarding a therapist, I assumed that since I spoke with one in my 20s I concurred this threshold and didn’t need to open this door again. When I read what you had to say it did make sense and perhaps I still need to speak with a therapist who can help me deal with the past. I would love to bury it one day to never think of it again. When I try this from time to time I end up with awful nightmares all revolving the abuse. So, perhaps I have unfinished issues that need to be addressed.

I agree with you that the truth will NEVER hurt us and that blame must not be draped on our shoulders unlike our molester’s. Feelings are a very sensitive area and I believe at times we end up with mixed emotions thinking we (or I) deserved to have endeavored all the years of abuse. I had to have done something that allowed my abuser to know I would be weak, as well as all the other men like my guidance counselor, boss and family priest friend.

Mixed feelings occur when I think back and recall the various times when I found the sexual acts appealing, the filth and shame I feel for ever to have had such feelings can be overwhelming at times. In realty I can understand that I was only a child who endured abuse for some time and learned to enjoy these acts in order to deal with myself. Perhaps I even enjoyed it because I was gay and deserved what I got? This is what I play with in my mind at my worst of hours.

Your words always help Larry. I read all that is written and apply your responses to my thoughts and feelings. I work hard at dealing with the issue and believe I have gotten past the worst part. What I never conquered was allowing myself to feel for someone else. I was too frightened to learn I was gay as I have said before. It is the one issue I never dealt with and continue to struggle with.

I wish you much peace friend,

_________________________
Eddie

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#73028 - 03/01/06 06:22 AM Re: A letter to someone
watstobe Offline
Member

Registered: 02/18/06
Posts: 40
Loc: Jackson, NJ
Hi Sonny;
Thanks for sharing your story and thoughts with me. I take your words to heart and it is in getting such responses as your that I am able to deal with my abusive years as a child.

In speaking about the asshole molester, in my case he had the audacity to think I should just forget all those years and live life for today. According to him (a few years back) we were all younger and did foolish things. When I asked him why he chose me he told me it was because I could hear and he was born hearing impaired. (I learned sign language at a very young age having siblings who were deaf as well as cousins). So God gave me ears to hear and in turn I used my hands to help those who could not talk for themselves. Instead of being grateful that I was there for him and all those who were deaf he decided to punish me through years of abuse. I’m not sure if that was the only reason. I had been a decent looking kid and I got a lot of attention when I was really young. I think he was jealous of this as well. Whatever the case may be he was a sick SOB!

I am a religious human being and know I must come to terms with this so I can one day forgive him. If God can forgive me my sins then why can’t I forgive this animal?

Sonny if you ever feel the need to talk we are all here for you. If you feel the need to have a one on one talk, I am always available!

Take care friend,Peace be with you.

_________________________
Eddie

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