Newest Members
myrlin, AaronS, BookHouseBoy, WeFallWeRise, kieran
12463 Registered Users
Today's Birthdays
Blakanezebruh (43), OneWithStrength (37), Parker (45), scottyg (42)
Who's Online
5 registered (JW1230, Jay1946, Shyshark, 2 invisible), 31 Guests and 5 Spiders online.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Forum Stats
12463 Members
74 Forums
63990 Topics
446621 Posts

Max Online: 418 @ 07/02/12 07:29 AM
Twitter
Page 1 of 2 1 2 >
Topic Options
#73013 - 12/20/04 11:18 PM A letter to someone
titan Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 06/25/03
Posts: 11
Loc: singapore
You have no idea what you mean to me. You say you do, but i doubt it sometimes. Before I had you in my life, I had nothing but anger, shame, confusion in my life with nothing to look forward to, cept for the day when I die and all the memories stop haunting me. Your love brought me a glimmer of hope, and for the first time since I was 10, I remembered what its like to be happy.

You were patient with me when I didn't want sex in the beginning, though I could tell you were getting more and more frustrated as months went by...... I saw the pain in your eyes as you believed that my not wanting sex was because I was not physically attracted to you. I told myself I would have to give in, thats the only way i knew to get rif of those doubtbs in your head.

It was hard. I gritted my teeth, many times almost wanting to push you away and just run away. It reminded me too much of what happened to me.But my love for you had me enduring it all the way till it was done. You seem really happy, and i had to force myself to smile, not wanting you to think I didn;t enjoy it.

Things seem to go well for a while.You always wanted to fool around and was puzzled by my less than enthusiatic " performance " All I could say was that I was just tired.

That fateful night I woke up in the middle of night, finding you inside me. I panicked when i realised my hands were tied to the bed post. I begged you to stop, but wasn't sure you heard me as I wasn't able to make myself clear. My mind was overwhelmed with images upon images of what those men did to me, and it felt like I was back when it happened. When you finishes, you untied me, and told me I was great. You were shocked when you hugged me and I started crying like a baby, shivering non-stop. You seem really scared and kept asking me what was wrong, if you had cause me pain unknowingly.

And I told you.....

about how my stepdad raped me when I was 11.
about that time when he brought 2 friends back, how he held me down when I tried to run, and how he cheered them on while they took turns to fuck me. about how he later tied my hands to the bed post and had his turn while his friends watched. about how it was like hell those 4 days for me, being tied to the bedpost, about they had fun with me anytime they wanted. about how he threatened me to keep it our little secret and not tell mom who would be returning from her trip. I was only 14 then.... I told you how he would have his way with me whenever he has the chance, and that it didn't stop till I was 15, when my mom divorced him. I told you of how I seek help and counselling from Pastor **** when I was 17, after being in church and knowing him for 3 years, when I felt I could finally trust him. I told you how he would have me go to his house to spent the night there, where he would spend time talking to me, being like a dad and making me feel safe for the 1st time since it happened. I told you of how he touch me one night when I was asleep in his bed. How he was whispering sweet nothings as he entered me. How he reprimanded me when he's done, saying that I was too weak and that he could see I enjoyed it. About how it happened everyweek after that. That he says that he needed to do it till i learned to hate it, and that proof would be if I didn't cum when he fucked me. But he always made sure I ejacuate before he does.

I told you of how when I couldn't endured it anymore, I left church, swearing never to trust anyone again. How I buried everything deep down inside and tried to be as normal as other normal people. I told you everything that night and was touched deep in my heart as I realised you were weeping for me. You hugged me real tight and rocked me like a baby, telling me that everything would be all right and you'll protect me from now on. I fell asleep in your arms that night, feeling safe again......

We never talk about it again.
Life went on and things went back to normal, You tolerated my sudden mood swings at times, understanding when I didn't want sex sometimes.

But your frustrations is starting to show lately. I know you are sick of how i could be hot one day, and cold the other. You woke me up one night, saying I was thrashing and mumbling in my sleep. I had one of those nightmares again. I needed to talk, but you look uncomfortable and told me I should not talk about it, that I should just forget it all ever happen and gets on with life. You then walked out of the room and slept on the couch that night, leaving me alone in the room, unable to sleep, feeling that i've done something wrong...

I know you'll never get to read this letter. I know how you disapprove of me talking about what happened, visiting sites like these, believing that they do me more harm than good, as they prevent me from....forgetting? So I have stayed away, and started keeping things to myself again, believing that if I try hard enough, maybe i'll forget..

I just want to say sorry to you...... to say sorry for all those things that happen... to say sorry that you found out that you were not the first man to have me...... to say sorry that i'm a unclean person.... to say sorry that you have to bear my burden....


Top
#73014 - 12/20/04 11:46 PM Re: A letter to someone
hanginon Offline
Member

Registered: 01/25/03
Posts: 89
Loc: sarasota, fl
TITAN,
Your post tore me up bad man - but I want you to know you are not alone. I have trouble posting to the board these days, every time I type a message, I feel overwhelmed by the insignificance of my story next to others.

I wish there was some way to help end the pain for adults living with this. I am fighting to do my part.

Be strong, Titan. You are a noble person.

John

_________________________
walker, there is no path, you make a path as you go...

(caminante, no hay camino, se hace camino al andar...)

Antonio Machado

Top
#73015 - 12/21/04 01:29 AM Re: A letter to someone
dwf Offline
Moderator/BoD Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/24/03
Posts: 1223
Loc: Austin, Texas USA
Hello, Titan,

I am hoping most strongly that you are already working with a therapist. If not, I would urge you to start working with one as soon as possible.

Sexual abuse cuts across all areas of our lives. The harm it does to men like us who have been abused is made even worse because most of us feel that we must keep it to ourselves.

Sharing with understanding individuals is a first step in freedom from the isolation and horror of living alone with what was done to us.

The next step must be to work with a competent, trained therapist experienced in sexual abuse cases.

Our partners and family may want to help. We may wish to simply forget. Unfortunately, experience shows time and again that neither of these options if often successful.

The good news is that with professional help, hard work and time it is possible to recover from the effects of the sexaul abuse.

I think that being in a relationship with a man who would tie you up to have sex with you is not the place you need to be.

It is not your fault that you are not prepared for that type of relationship. Please quit blaming yourself and apologizing.

My experience is that I must put my recovery from sexual abuse FIRST--the relationships that are good for me will then be available to me.

Talk to a counselor or therapist about this situation.

Come back here and let us know how you are doing.

Pleae focus on yourself and your recovery. You are important and deserve love and support.

It is here for you at all times.

Take good care of yourself.

Sincerely,

_________________________
"Poke salad Annie, 'gators got you granny
Everybody said it was a shame
'Cause her mama was aworkin' on the chain-gang"

-Tony Joe White

Top
#73016 - 12/21/04 11:03 AM Re: A letter to someone
Ivo Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/08/04
Posts: 267
Loc: Germany
Titan,
I think that you need to talk much more with your boyfriend. He needs to know more how are you feeling about him and about yourself.
Certainly he would need to adjust a little bit to you but that shouldn't be big deal if he really cares for you.

I think that your boyfriend is actually the very FIRST person that truly loves and have you. That is really something very special.

Show him what that love means to you.

Do not be ashamed of your problems. They are very complex; it is not possible to forget and pretend like nothing happened. Talk with him about it.
Also ask him about his problems (he must have them) and try to help him with dealing with them.
Understanding and support of each other is natural part of deep love.

And please, please, try to not think about yourself on such negative way. I know that they tried to take everything from you and that is sometimes causing big confusion, but you are beautiful human being that deserve respect, love and a lot of happiness in life.

I wish you the best,
Ivo


Top
#73017 - 12/21/04 06:01 PM Re: A letter to someone
Ivanhoe Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/19/03
Posts: 1907
Titan,

You've already heard some great words of support from John, Danny and Ivo. I just wanted to add my support and encouragement as well.
Your story brought me back to my own lonliness while I was being abused and trying to look normal in a world so confusing I almost took my own life.
I can't tell you how much that this site has meant to me in that it has brought such support and led me to therapy that's helpful.
I hope that you'll find a therapist that you'll feel comfortable enough with to discuss this pain and sorrow.
You are a good man, you are a brave man for sharing your story and with time and help you will survive this. If you want proof, just look in the mirror and see the kid who's brought you this far. Welcome home, we're glad you're here, you are not alone any longer.

David

_________________________
"No soul is desolate as long as there is a human being for whom it can feel trust and reverence."
George Eliot

Top
#73018 - 12/22/04 04:44 AM Re: A letter to someone
titan Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 06/25/03
Posts: 11
Loc: singapore
Danny

No i'm not seeing any therapist right now, I don't think theres any where I am who deals with....such things. And even if there is, I doubt i'll be able to pluck up enough courage to approach one.

Regarding my boyfriend tying me up, its really not his fault. He has talk about that, a fetish thing really, and I believe I did not discouraged him, cause I'm usually a very light sleeper and would have been able to stop him from trying. I don't know why I slept through hsi tying me up, and wasn't sure why i responded in that way. I believe he truely loves me, its just that he doesn't know how to help me work through those issues.

He doesn't unnderstand that all I need is someone to listen...... someone to believe me.....someone to not judge me. Maybe I'm asking for too much, heck I don't know how to deal with what happened myself, what would he know right?


Top
#73019 - 12/22/04 05:55 AM Re: A letter to someone
dwf Offline
Moderator/BoD Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/24/03
Posts: 1223
Loc: Austin, Texas USA
Dear Titan,

Thank you for accepting my input with such graciousness. It is truly meant in the spirit of lending assistance to a fellow survivor and I am glad that you see it that way.

May I suggest that you send a private message to Ken Singer, one of our moderators? He is a therapist and may be able to help you find some professional help that will be accessible to you.

Personally I know that for many, many years I deliberately minimized the damage done to me by the abuse. I allowed further abuse to occur by my lovers and tricks and boyfriends and strangers because I never allowed the seriousness of how hurt I had been into my conciousness.

We live in a world where feelings, spiritual and emotional development and other difficult matters are totally minimized. After all, "Things go better with Coke!" right?

Most of us are taught and encouraged to ignore our hurt and pretend. It is no one's fault really--but that doesn't mean it is good or must be accepted.

I think that for me to begin to recover, I had to move (psychologically at least) outside of that pervasive 'oh that's no big deal' mentality and begin to develop some real compassion for myself.

I would urge you to do the same. Feel the hurt and confusion of the past with the eyes and heart of an adult. Show love, compassion and tenderness to yourself, to that young boy you once were.

When I began to develop love and compassion for myself, I also began to outgrow the need to have boyfriends who 'didn't understand' or strangers who didn't care be a part of my life.

I didn't have to push abusive or unsympathetic people away from me. After some time healing and growing past the limitations of the effects of the abuse, it simply began to happen.

And I liked it. I liked feeling good about myself. And I acted like I knew I deserved better.

If after you do some healing from the abuse, you still want a lover to tie you up and have sex with you without your knowledge, then I would say that is your choice.

But at the stage you are at now, your boyfriends actions strike me as callous and indifferent.

And your reaction to it seems to be one of someone who doesn't feel like he deserves any better.

I hope that my remarks are not too direct, and certainly hope that are not hurtful to you. You have been hurt enough.

I do hope they will encourage you to write to Ken and see about some professional help. And I also hope you will be encouraged to begin treating yourself with kindness and tenderness.

I truly appreciate you coming here and sharing this with us. It helps me so much to hear the stories of other survivors. I am always amazed at how strong we really are.

You are a testament to that strength.

Thanks for sharing it with us.

Regards,

_________________________
"Poke salad Annie, 'gators got you granny
Everybody said it was a shame
'Cause her mama was aworkin' on the chain-gang"

-Tony Joe White

Top
#73020 - 12/22/04 08:12 AM Re: A letter to someone
titan Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 06/25/03
Posts: 11
Loc: singapore
Danny

Thanks danny. I don't mind you being direct and all, I know you're trying to help. Just being able to talk about things makes me feel better.

When my boyfriend tied me up, he didn't know about what happened. It was after that when I told him about it. He did it coz he thought it was a fun and kinky thing, not because he's insensitive or anything. He's never done anything like that since.

I'm not as courageous or noble as you says I am. I'm just a guy whos trying hard to make sense of why things happened.


Top
#73021 - 02/26/06 05:05 AM Re: A letter to someone
watstobe Offline
Member

Registered: 02/18/06
Posts: 40
Loc: Jackson, NJ
Wow, I have visited this site for only a short time, and therefore I have read but a few of the posts on here. Today I read Titan's "letter" and so much emotion came crashing down upon me. I sat at my computer trying to fight the tears that filled my eyes and soul.

Titan, I do hope you take the suggestions from all those caring survivors who sympathize with you and your situation. I was molested at the age of 5 to maybe 10 or so. Besides the physical abuse I endured I was constantly told I was a faggot, queer and that I would grow up wanting strictly only men. I was repeatedly drilled and brainwashed that I was here to only service men and I had no say in the matter, I was always reminded I would be a nobody. In fact, when I began to divert my studies toward medicine, contemplating becoming a physician, perhaps a therapist, I was mocked on and laughed at and told it would never happen. I was constantly told I was dirt and nothing was worthy of me. Well, when this is hammered into you from a young age it really manifested into a self fulfilling prophecy. To make matters worse, my pops would get angry with me for misbehaving and call me a faggot, then he would tell me (in the room with other siblings and/or friends)"you would cry if someone looked at you cross eyed." I never really understood the meaning of this but I knew he was putting me down and it made me feel worthless and even angry at times. As I grew older I lashed back with nasty remarks that were not respectful for a son to say to his father, I realize that now. On the other hand pops had no rite to belittle me as he did.

Growing up I always believed I was worthless and that I would amount to nothing. I didn't seem to mind the fact I would grow up loving only men until I hit puberty and the realization of what that meant hit home. I recall asking my molester then why do other people, who are couples like our parents love a man and a woman? He told me I was different, but that was OK to be different. The molestation ended when he moved away. He returned to the area when I was about 14 and even moved into our house for a few months until he got settled and "his feet on the ground." He didn't try anything sexually on me but made sure I was repeatedly punished for things I never did. He controlled my every move. My mom believed him and was adamant that I pay him respect and apologize for whatever story he concocted. He would give me this ugly laugh and then remind me that all I was and will be is a fagot who was worth nothing. He told me it wasn't worth my living. At one time a "BB" gun was shot and nearly missed my head by mere inches. The shot shattered our neighbor's car that was by my side when this incident happened. Later on I would come to learn through a friend of a friend that it was my molester who made this shot. He wanted me dead and out of the way! When he finally moved out of our house he jokingly told my mother that perhaps there were times when he stretched the truth, and that I didn't do half the things he alleged I did. My mom apologized...the damage had been done! Thankfully I delved into work, and worked as many hours allowed and then some. My escape was work! I worked at a restaurant, in the kitchen washing dishes. I realized I really enjoyed watching the cook create his wonderful meals and began studying what he did. He showed me a lot of different tricks in the restaurant industry. This ignited a passion within that I would be a chef one day and I would amount to be someone. My dreams of being involved in the medical field diminished as I grew older for I developed anorexia and missed out on a lot of schooling. When I attempted to setup my classes for college prep my guidance counselor advised me to rethink this decision for it didn’t appear that I would be able to carry through on anything in the medical field. She claimed I missed too much school due to “ulcers,” which really was anorexia nervosa. (The food thing was my way of controlling my life, which I always felt was worthless. ) She then handed me over to the head of the guidance department. This guy would end up making advances toward me, telling me atory of how a hitch hiker he picked up wanted to give him a blow job. Proceeding cautiously he told me he had to turn him down and then asked me what I thought? Did he make the right decision or did he “offend” the guy. Sitting there I didn’t know how to respond. I became a nervous wreck fumbling my books. He then commented that I had let my hair grow longer and that he applauded my trying out new things. He asked me what else did I want to try that I may have or have not tried? Believe it or not I still questioned myself, and whether I misunderstood this guys advances. We had several meetings in which the door was closed and we engaged in really strange conversations. I refrained from telling my mother for she would have ventured into the office and probably hit the guy. The last thing I needed was a confrontation! So I kept quiet And I believe this was a sign to him that I wanted more.

I know that I grew up believing in my heart that I was worth nothing more than to be a toy for men to use. Again, I lived out this self fulfilling prophecy by engaging in sexual encounters at Adult Bookstores. I would only do the performing and never wanted anyone to touch me. This reverts back to the molestation for the molester would have me doing the performing. When I asked him once if he could do the same to me he looked at me with such utter disgust and said I'm not queer! As a child I was devastated and it was at this point I started putting things together. I realized that what he was doing was wrong. I recall going to my mother who had fallen asleep on the couch in the living room and wanting her to wake up so I could tell her why I was sobbing. She slept as I cried. I pulled myself together. I went back to bed and didn't try to utter another word on the matter. My pops would always look at me with disdain. When I became an adult and tried to reveal what had happened my father didn't want to hear of it. He had such disgust for me that the following week the molester came for a visit and pops hugged , joked and conversed with him, totally casting me aside as if I was "worthless” and a liar.

Years later my dad and I made our peace and I learned to love him despite his imperfections. We all make mistakes, I only hope within himself that he could have acknowledged the mistakes he made along the way. He would never admit anything of the kind to any of his children. He wasn’t a bad man by far; he worked hard to support a huge family and that was his way of saying I love you. He had his own hang-ups on homosexuality that he really needed help with!

I believe all of those survivors here and elsewhere are really brave and strong human beings! Wow, how strong we must have been in order to survive what we have. It is through such posts as the ones posted here that we learn of our strengths and convictions, and believe that we have overcome a lot of adversities! It is knowing that we share in our experiences that helps us to be centered. I thought I had dealt with this issue years ago but realize I have continued to hide my true feelings.

Thank you everyone for sharing your life experiences. In reading about other survivors has only helped me to realize I am not alone in this struggle. Who I am and what my true sexuality is I yet to answer. Am I gay? Could I be straight and have never allowed myself to experience such? Questions, questions, and more questions, all of which I don’t have the answers for, and yet I believe in time I will. The only difference is that I now can say it’s alright to be whoever I turn out to be! There is no shame either way. Saying is one thing, believing in your heart and soul is another. One step at a time I guess. What I do know is by reading the stories others share I truly realize I am NOT ALONE. I have been amazed at the similarities in thoughts and feelings! It is in reading this that made me realize and believe I can make it and put this nightmare behind me once and for all! I’m sure at various times there will be something that will make me look back and wonder why? What is important is that I can then move on and realize that was my past; today and tomorrow is my future!

I will continue to be a participant here because I believe it may help someone else! It is in sharing with each other that I have really been able to start to feel comfortable with who I may be. Perhaps there will come a day when I can be sure of just that but for now I am satisfied with taking small baby steps toward the future. I hope I can be as inspiring to others as they have inspired me!

Keep writing your thoughts and feelings, it is a therapeutic way of dealing with such trauma.

Take care and stay strong!

_________________________
Eddie

Top
#73022 - 02/26/06 11:18 PM Re: A letter to someone
shadowkid Offline
WARNING from ModTeam, September 2013: user "Shadowkid" was exposed as a hoaxer. His entire online persona and stories of sexual abuse were fiction. We encourage you not to become emotionally concerned by anything you see in any of his posts. Thank you
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/18/05
Posts: 2437
titan,dude!please,dont say your sorry !!you have nothing to be sorry about ,should you be sorry for being human and having feelings? . .i see so many of us constantly saying we are sorry for things that are not our fault .its just one of the things abuse does to us makes us great blame takers. adam

_________________________
its not hard to fall
when you float like a cannonball - damien rice

Top
Page 1 of 2 1 2 >


Moderator:  ModTeam 

I agree that my access and use of the MaleSurvivor discussion forums and chat room is subject to the terms of this Agreement. AND the sole discretion of MaleSurvivor.
I agree that my use of MaleSurvivor resources are AT-WILL, and that my posting privileges may be terminated at any time, and for any reason by MaleSurvivor.