This Christmas, like none other before it, seems to have been full of emotional ups and downs.

The most honest thing I have said out loud, to a church minister/confidant friend of mine, was "I will be SO glad when it's over!" (at which point I got teary-eyed and disliked what I was hearing from my own mouth). My friend, to her credit, was not the least offended having heard similar sentiments from people for years.

As I write this I am having a 'gay old time' listening to the Met broadcast of Tannhauser (the moving overture alone would be worth the price of admission...I dream of seeing the opera - in person - when Toronto's new opera house is opened in the next year or so.)

I guess what is bothering me about this Christmas is that my year-end letter to friends and family, when I traditionally offer a somewhat satirical look back on the year, makes no mention (except to a couple of close confidants) the major work I started this year on my recovery from sexual abuse.

My reasons for the omission, I think, are noble enough. It is Christmas after all - and I vividly remember trying to frame my having quit drinking years ago as a "good news" story at the Christmas dinner table. My family, perhaps telling me more about our 'closeness' than even now I want to see, was shocked that drinking was a big enough problem that I needed to quit! (They are all very moderate, very dull drinkers.)

Besides, I think, since no family member or friend was involved in my s.a., my aging mother does not need to know this part of my sad past now - and I feel supported with that decision.

So this year, with family members scattered across the entire eastern half of Canada, I shall be spending Christmas with my mom and my sister's young family. It will be good to be around the kids (three and eighteen months old); perhaps I can get in touch with the "inner child" I seem to have so much trouble reaching.

I bought my niece and nephew the 40th anniversary DVD of "Mary Poppins", which was one of the first movies I recall seeing as a kid. (I opened the package yesterday - so the kids wouldn't have to struggle with the cellophane, of course - and watched it all last night! That really picked up my on again-off again spirits!)

Anyway, sorry to ramble on so much but - as you can tell - I am feeling quite bipolar about the holidays.

One thing is for sure - through posting here several times - you (whoever you are) know about my good work this year!

Peace,
Kenn

Thank you, Kenn, for your very honest look at the holiday season.

I think that you are giving an extremely precious gift to all whose life you touch.

A sober man, seeking to recover from the effects of sexual abuse, is a treasure trove of healing energy.

From my experience, I am very slow to see these things about myself. That's why in my recovery, I am so blessed to have people in my life who see it when I am still unable to.

From what I read here, I would say that your honesty, your sense of humor and your kind consideration for your mother and others make you a valuable addition to your family of origin, your family of friends and your family of survivors here.

So fa-la-la-la-la=de-dah-di-dah.

Have a merry Saturnalia!

Regards,

Kenn - thanks for your note as well -
I think you are handling this Christmas with
great strength -
My first Christmas last year - as I like to think of it - because it was the first Christmas I spent - without abusiveness - was something I looked at with great bitterness and yet happiness as well - cried so much - hysterically -

I love god for it so much - though -

I secretly call that year my birthday -
because I got to learn so much about the real life that I had - and the potential of my life ahead -

Keep well brother Kenn -

Merry Christmas -
Love to You -

Mark

ps - big Met broadcast fan here too -!

Thanks guys -


Funny, I hadn't thought of it as my "first Christmas" but - just like my first sober Christmas - it is being seen through a clearer set of eyes.

Even though the abuse I endured was not from a family member, a close family friend was a physically and emotionally abusive teacher in early grades...which then made me, as I see it now, more vulnerable to the s.a. which occurred with older men in my early high school years.

All of this I kept secret...until several years ago when I spoke ill of the teacher, and said why.

The s.a....more than Mom needs to know certainly. She was very supportive in my coming out 24 years ago(!) and my illness but she's older and widowed now...I think the loving thing to do is to work on this without Mom knowing about it.

Thanks again,
Kenn

Kenn,

as usual, your words speak directly to my heart.

I had my kids this week (between Christmas and New Years) and it's my first Christmas with them being divorced. They also had the Mary Popins DVD and they loved it. I loved it, I always have.

I have something to tell you also, I came out to my daughters on Monday evening. I posted this information in the members section and I'm hesitant to post anything personal in the public forum. They took it well, no big issues and more or less said ok, so what. My daughters are 13 and 8 (3 yr old didn't pay attention).

I do hope that you and your family enjoy each other over these holdays.

Cheers and Happy New Year!

Jimmer

Jim, if you are hesitant about this being public here you can delete your message. I'd get it.

Congratulations again! (I've replied privately.)

Kenn