This Christmas, like none other before it, seems to have been full of emotional ups and downs.
The most honest thing I have said out loud, to a church minister/confidant friend of mine, was "I will be SO glad when it's over!" (at which point I got teary-eyed and disliked what I was hearing from my own mouth). My friend, to her credit, was not the least offended having heard similar sentiments from people for years.
As I write this I am having a 'gay old time' listening to the Met broadcast of Tannhauser (the moving overture alone would be worth the price of admission...I dream of seeing the opera - in person - when Toronto's new opera house is opened in the next year or so.)
I guess what is bothering me about this Christmas is that my year-end letter to friends and family, when I traditionally offer a somewhat satirical look back on the year, makes no mention (except to a couple of close confidants) the major work I started this year on my recovery from sexual abuse.
My reasons for the omission, I think, are noble enough. It is Christmas after all - and I vividly remember trying to frame my having quit drinking years ago as a "good news" story at the Christmas dinner table. My family, perhaps telling me more about our 'closeness' than even now I want to see, was shocked that drinking was a big enough problem that I needed to quit! (They are all very moderate, very dull
Besides, I think, since no family member or friend was involved in my s.a., my aging mother does not need to know this part of my sad past now - and I feel supported with that decision.
So this year, with family members scattered across the entire eastern half of Canada, I shall be spending Christmas with my mom and my sister's young family. It will be good to be around the kids (three and eighteen months old); perhaps I can get in touch with the "inner child" I seem to have so much trouble reaching.
I bought my niece and nephew the 40th anniversary DVD of "Mary Poppins", which was one of the first movies I recall seeing as a kid. (I opened the package yesterday - so the kids wouldn't have to struggle with the cellophane, of course - and watched it all last night! That really picked up my on again-off again spirits!)
Anyway, sorry to ramble on so much but - as you can tell - I am feeling quite bipolar about the holidays.
One thing is for sure - through posting here several times - you (whoever you are) know about my good work this year!