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#72919 - 11/18/04 06:51 PM it takes yet another form
Brayton Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/21/03
Posts: 696
Loc: Minneapolis
My chosen family includes my Partner, his son, his son's wife, their child.

Plans were to have Thanksgiving at son and son's wife home.

Attending would have been partner, son, son's wife, their child, son's wife's sister, her husband, their child. Also, son's wife's parents and son's mother and her husband.

Son's wife's father told his wife to call their daughter last night and tell her that if my partner and I were going to be their, he would not.

Everyone is upset except him.

Immediately, I thought this is just the same old thing, what I have been confronted with practically from day one.

I suppose I like that he is more or less upfront in his bigotry (he did make his wife make the call, after all). It is better than those who feel the same but hide it.

I think he thought his stance would supply the necessary leverage to have my partner and I dis-invited.

What will actually happen is that his decision, no matter what specifically comes of it, will cast a pall over every other family oriented holiday for as long as his lives and even after I suppose. This will include even his grandchild's birthday parties.

People can change, of course. His bigotry is so rooted in his christian belief, however, that I think it is unlikely.

_________________________
Sometimes, things just won't work the way we want them to.

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#72920 - 11/18/04 09:37 PM Re: it takes yet another form
Mike Church Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 01/23/03
Posts: 3439
Loc: Toronto, Canada
Brayton. It will not cast a pall believe me. You will be surrounded by family and he is the odd man out. It is a sad thing that he is trapped within his own bigotry.

_________________________
Mikey

IT REALLY IS OK TO STUMBLE. NONE OF US ARE PERFECT.

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#72921 - 11/18/04 10:13 PM Re: it takes yet another form
Ivo Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/08/04
Posts: 267
Loc: Germany
Some people would too late realize how life could be beautiful.
Instead of living they are obsessing other people with their uncertainty and fears.
Time on this earth is very quickly passing and people like that would be asked how did they spend their life time and they would just be unable to say a word because they would realize that they do not have anything to say.
Sadly.

Have a nice time with your family.
Ivo


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#72922 - 11/18/04 11:05 PM Re: it takes yet another form
Kenn Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/10/04
Posts: 146
Loc: Toronto, Canada
Sounds like he will be missing a lot - this weekend and into the future. That is his choice and his loss. Happy Thanksgiving to you and yours!

Kenn

_________________________
"This above all; to thine own self be true."

William Shakespeare, Hamlet

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#72923 - 11/19/04 04:47 AM Re: it takes yet another form
dwf Offline
Moderator/BoD Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/24/03
Posts: 1223
Loc: Austin, Texas USA
I'm sorry that you and your family have to put up with this kind of b.s. But 'tis the season!

I know that in some of the groups I attend, AA, Al-Anon, etc. this is the time of year when we are reminded to take extra steps to prepare for the holidays.

Sometimes it is the joy and happiness that can be hard for me to take--I contrast it with my past. And more often it seems that someone else is trying to play the unredeemed Grinch and ruin everybody's good time.

Good for you that you have such a caring partner and family. Frankly, it seems to me that you are dealing with a BULLY.

You know, the old "You better....or else I will."
What a weak cup of tea is that? Everyone these days knows that bullies are bullies because they are so insecure and feel so weak and threatened.

Bullying like this is sort of like pasting a sign on one's forehead saying "I'm too chicken to admit I'm weak and scared so I'll be angry and threatening!". Next time this sort of thing comes up, just imagine this guy with that post-it note on his forehead!

Unfortunately, gays seem to be the scape goat du jour for those who must make others feel bad to be OK with themselves.

The other thing that brought a nod of recognition from me was the part about him telling his wife to tell the host that they would not come if.....

I once heard that the more INDIRECT the communication in a family, the more dysfunctional the family. It's also very classic passive/aggressive.

I guess I sound like I'm really running this guy down, but I really just wanted to say to you and your family that I wish you all happy times.

Perhaps you can find comfort in being surrounded by loving and accepting family and some relief at not having to deal with a jerk.

The main thing though, is try not to project. This is how things may be today, but none of us knows what the future holds. Don't let worries about what has not yet happened spoil your life today.

OK, sorry for all the ranting. I just get really upset at people, like the father in this scenario, trying to pass their fear, shame and weakness on to others.

It just ain't right!

Best wishes for a Happy Thanksgiving!

_________________________
"Poke salad Annie, 'gators got you granny
Everybody said it was a shame
'Cause her mama was aworkin' on the chain-gang"

-Tony Joe White

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#72924 - 11/19/04 08:35 AM Re: it takes yet another form
Stephen_5 Offline
BoD Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 09/12/00
Posts: 667
Loc: Northern California Foothills
Brayton,

I sympathize with you, there are bigots in every family. This is the first year that I've been out and at the ripe old age of almost 57, it's about time. I decided to look for someone who I could be with and grow old with and talk with. I found him and we love each other. We've known each other for a little over seven months now and it seems like we've known each other for ever. I brought my partner down to my Mom's birthday in November, I introduced him as my friend. I was scared. Afterward I told my sister that we were going to find a motel for the night. She and her boyfriend basically said that we could have the downstairs bedroom if we wanted to save some money. There was only one queen size bed in the room. She and her boyfriend were very supportive and accepting.

Fast forward to this Thanksgiving. My partner and I invited everyone in my family and some of our friends up to my partner's place in the mountains for the traditional potluck turkey feast. Everyone accepted and we're going to have 18 for dinner. I hope that this is the first of many happy holiday memories. If anyone doesn't want to attend it's their loss. I have a lot of other relatives who live in the mid-west that are not very accepting but I've decided that life is too short for me to care about what other people think of me anymore. I'm happier now than I've been in way too many years.

Take good care of yourself,

Steve

_________________________
I want to stay as close to the edge as I can without going over. Out on the edge you see all kinds of things you can't see from the center.
Kurt Vonnegut (1922-2007)

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#72926 - 11/19/04 07:14 PM Re: it takes yet another form
EGL Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 06/19/04
Posts: 7821
Brayton - I'd say go to the dinner and enjoy being with those special people on a great day. If he can't deal with it and doesn't want to be there, that's his problem. Ultimately, it is the host who must decide who to invite or not, and the invitees can then make their decision and live with it. Hope you have a great Thanksgiving with your loved ones.

_________________________
Eddie

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#72927 - 11/20/04 01:47 PM Re: it takes yet another form
hanginon Offline
Member

Registered: 01/25/03
Posts: 89
Loc: sarasota, fl
Brayton,
I have experienced the same sort of bigotry in my family for years.

I have given up. Scenario was usually me coming with bf and my brother and sister (two out of four) and their spouses would not show because I was there.

Two weeks ago was my parents' 50th anniversary and they invited everyone on a cruise. I didn't go this time because I am fed up with my other family members tolerating this behavior.

While I was the one who "missed out" on all the "fun" - I also took care of my need not to be around bigots, ever. There's no fighting them or changing their opinions.

It's disappointing that my parents didn't get to have everyone there, but they understood my need to be "safe" from hostility. We will celebrate alone. They love me but I get angry that they allow this type of BS to happen.

Dysfunctional? You said it!

Count your blessings. I only have my dog and my best friend (no lover now).

I feel good that I chose to take care of myself, for once.

John

_________________________
walker, there is no path, you make a path as you go...

(caminante, no hay camino, se hace camino al andar...)

Antonio Machado

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#72928 - 11/20/04 02:24 PM Re: it takes yet another form
markgreyblue Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/19/03
Posts: 5400
Loc: Pasadena, CA
i'm not holding back that guy sounds like he is an asshole - and if he wants thanksgiving to be all about him he can go fuck himself

hope he doesn't go and he spends the holiday alone - his wife should tell him to fuck off too

and why not - tell him to sleep on the couch until he gets a better attitude -

brayton - this guy sounds like a major shithead -

have fun over the holidays with the family who loves you - that guy - is the odd man out

though i hear the hurt - laugh it off - his attitude says a lot about him

and nothing about you and your partner

mark

_________________________
"...do not look outside yourself for the leader."
-wisdom of the hopi elders

"...the sign of a true leader is service..." - anonymous



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#72929 - 11/20/04 02:27 PM Re: it takes yet another form
markgreyblue Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/19/03
Posts: 5400
Loc: Pasadena, CA
and i would say - that his 'belief' is based on his misguided interpretation of what it means to be christian -
hating and excluding are not christian values - loving and caring are -

uggh -

mark

_________________________
"...do not look outside yourself for the leader."
-wisdom of the hopi elders

"...the sign of a true leader is service..." - anonymous



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