Hello all, I was Raped at 11, and grew up to be a Paranoid, Homophobic Straight Guy! I will be working on both problems at the same time. So you all are invited to hear my tales at http://malesurvivor.org/cgi-local/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic;f=1;t=004609 My first tale is how I found this place. Other tales will be about my life, and how I became what I am. I will bounce around as the mood strikes me. Some tales you will laugh at some you will cry at, some will be ugly but necessary to say.

Hi all, after that first message, I realized that I could not put all my tales in one thread, It would be much to long. So I guess that you will just have to keep a eye out for my name. I think several gay guys have responded to my tales, and I think you for that. I don't know for sure that It will help me but I thank you anyway.

Intelligently I know that the odds are 9 to 1 or higher that the guy who raped me was not gay. I also know that even If he was gay, I was not raped because he desired my body, but that it was a type of power thing. That's what the Rape books say anyway. It is hard to accept that, because the only thing that gives me a erection is being around someone I am attracted to. Unfortunately when you are raped you tend to latch on to things that you think explain what happened to you. If you are lucky you have told someone that you were raped, and can start getting help as soon as possible. I did not tell, and so I did not get any help.
The first thing I latched on to was the fact that I would hang out with the girls on the playground. To play with the boys, they always wanted to fight you first in order to get in the group, especially if you were new to the school, and I always was the new guy.
So I thought I got raped because I was to girlie's, and somehow the rapist thought I was a girl. It was not until I was in junior high that I learned the word homosexual and what it meant, a guy who liked other guys instead of girls. And so I latched on to that, now it made perfect since to me. Unfortunately I started being on the lookout for gay guys, any guy that behaved oddly got put in the (I think he's gay category) and I would avoid him. I don't know how to correct this behavior. The last time I tried, It was one on one with a gay guy in person, and it ended badly, with me having a gay affair with the man. I am trying to write that tale, but have been hitting snags. So it will take longer than I thought. Even though I had the affair I still think of myself as straight. I guess that's why I am hitting the snags, who would believe such a thing. I think I will end this now. Wish I could still drink! I need a few about now!

Edited: to add the link for my tale about the affair with the gay man.
http://malesurvivor.org/cgi-local/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic;f=43;t=000020

Hey lostcowboy,

You said at the end of your tale:

Well, I would, for one.

I am a gay man and have been for many years. And for many years I have tried to figure out, decipher, interpret, understand, explain and generally get a grip on the problems I was having with my sex.

And part of the problem was having sex with "straight" men.....ok, I never understood that part either.

But since I became aware of the nature of the sexual abuse that I was subjected to and began to actively pursue a path of recovering from the effects of the abuse, many of those long standing, resistant to analysis problems have gone away.

It was like pulling a weed, but just having the top part break off in my hand. The weed just comes back bigger and stronger and more deceptive looking. But under that tiny plant on the surface, the root of the problem, the effects of the abuse, just kept getting bigger and bigger.

All my surface solutions did was just make me look a little better on the outside. Inside I was still dying.

Once it got bad enough and I HAD to seek professional help, the therapist very quickly identified the root of many of my problems as being in the sexual abuse. I mean, in like two minutes, he was onto it. Smart guy.

So yeah, I believe. And I'm glad you have made it here to tell your story. So many guys don't make it here, and many don't make it at all.

And as for drinking, well, I just tell people, "I think I've had enough!"

Thanks for sharing yourself,

Pulling weeds, I like that. From my navy background, I view the SA as a anchor in your soul. The only way to get that anchor out is by talking about it. The longer you are silent the bigger that anchor gets and the harder you have to pull to get it out.

I am glad you found a good therapist. The experience I had with the navy was not that good. Its a long story so I will leave it for now.

When I decided to post on this site, I made a commitment to be as honest as I can. I am glad you were honest, and say that you had (sex with "straight" men..... ).
I have to be honest and say it did disturb me a little bit. Not bad, more like a guard dog that opens his eye's when a stranger is at the gate.

I have to end this for now the thunderstorms are almost here. Supposed to have some Strong winds.

Danny! I hope I did not hurt your feelings! That was not my intent!

Hey 'Cowboy,

First of all, Happy Thanksgiving to you!

Thanks for the message and your concern.

Isn't this a wonderful place to share our thoughts and feelings?

Please do not worry. My feelings did not get hurt.

I was writing about "sex with 'straight men'" as a way of illustrating my insanity resulting from the sexual abuse.

Seeking commitment, security and love from men who were unable or unwilling to give it over and over again is one way I manifested the abuse dynamic in my life, over and over again.

Today, one day at a time, that's no longer how I operate. If a guy is confused, bi-, married, mentally ill, alcoholic, abusive or in any other state which I choose to not have in my life, I take special care NOT to allow thoughts of sexual intimacy to occur. And if they do, I have many ways of effectively dealing with them, so that I do not act out on them.

With a lot of help, one day at a time, I am more likely to recoil from situations harmful to me whereas before I moved toward them.

Recovery is a wonderful thing, isn't it?

Glad we can exchange ideas such as this. I find it very helpful. Thank you for your sharing.

Have a wonderful TurkeyDay.

Regards,

Hi Danny,we went out and ate with friends today.

Thanks for coming back with more details, it helps.

I finished my Ug the caveman tale, I guess Ken came by and grabbed it and put it in the Sexual Identity forum, that's ok as he left a link here so people can find it.

I like exchanging ideas, and seeing things from someone's view point. I may not agree with them, but it can cause me to reevaluate my own ideas.

You were talking about one day at a time, here is a saying from the 70's, not sure I have it exactly right.

Today, is the first day of the rest of your life. May all your days be good ones.

I hope you have had a good turkey day also.

Hiya Lost, and Danny,

You mind if I cut in? I too was always the new kid in school , because I pedifile step father kept moving us around attempting to avold paying chid support to an ex-wife. I will never forget my first day day in school up in Tennessee. The teacher said that I could choose anyone that I wanted to show my around the school my first day. I ended up choosing this boy who stuck his had down the back of my pants. So Lost it was possaible to have a pleasurable expierience with being the new kid in class.

Mike

Hi Mike, feel free to take a load off your feet and pull up a chair.
I guess it depends on which side of the fence you are on. I know for me, by the time he got one finger down my pants, I would have been going away from him as fast as my legs would carry me.

Hi all, I haven't posted for a while. My wife's heath is not to good and has been taking up all my time. She fell on the 6 of DEC, and her health declined so fast that by the 21 of DEC, I had to carry her to the doctor, and the hospital. She stayed 10 days, got out on the 31 of DEC. I think they should have kept her another 5 days, just to build her strength up some more. I had to carry her back into the trailer! Her strength has continued to improve these last two days. I have heard from two different people that Medicare will only let you stay in the hospital for 10 days straight, If I find out that is true, I will be writing my congressmen about it!

About SoCalMarc, As some of you know, I tend to be Paranoia when it comes to gay guys. I don't know for sure how to solve that, but I think making friends with gay guys is a step in the right direction. Being that SoCalMarc was one of several gay guys that I have been thinking about becoming friends with, the shit that went down did upset my plans some what. I still think I am on the right track, but I will just take it slower. It is always best not to rush into friendship.