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#72814 - 09/24/04 10:31 PM I'm Lost
Robbie Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 09/24/04
Posts: 7
Loc: Atlanta, GA
I've lived in anger for 25 years since I was sexually abused by a camp counselor for about two years out in California. I never knew the affect it had until recently, when I entered therapy for other issues. Actually it was my mom and partner who sent me there. We have a son who we adopted 2 1/2 years ago. He was not sexually abused, but he turned 11. That was the age I was.

I've been with my therapist for a couple of months and I know I'm at the beginning of a long haul. I was in a couple of abusive relationships--emotional--and jumped from man to man to man. I was a druggie, almost a HS dropout, and had sex with older men any chance I got. I'm now with the man I'm supposed to be with--the kindest, most loyal, supportive, loving man there is. I have a job where people really love me-at least the me I show them. I should be happy.

I've been reading Mike Lew's book Victims No Longer. It's all about me, as I'm sure it's all about you. I just don't know if I can make it-if I can get out of this space. Yesterday a song by the Moody Blues came out of my iPod in the car and I started crying uncontrollably. I almost had to pull over. Crying is new to me. Being out of control is new to me. I don't like it.

Does this end? Is there hope? Will I ever be able to let loose and just play again? Will I ever accept that I'm gay because I'm gay and not that I turned out that way because of that man who stole my childhood? I guess I know I was as my crushes were all on men before. Did the man know that and picked me for that reason? Did I bring it on myself?

Right now I want to quit this whole life. I know I should be grateful for what I have as others have suffering that is much, much worse than mine. But at this moment I am so lost. And I'm going to cry again.

Thanks for listening,
Robbie


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#72815 - 09/25/04 02:17 AM Re: I'm Lost
Mike Church Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 01/23/03
Posts: 3439
Loc: Toronto, Canada
Robbie you said.
Quote:
Right now I want to quit this whole life. I know I should be grateful for what I have as others have suffering that is much, much worse than mine. But at this moment I am so lost. And I'm going to cry again.

No way in hell do you want to do that. Some sick asshole did a number on you and he has been winning for a long time. It is your turn now brother. We do not choose our sexual orientation. We are predisposed to it at birth. What you are is a man who has suffered under the stench of SA and the evil that covers you.

Ime sorry why you had to seek us out but am glad that you have found us. It does get easier believe me.

Give yourself some credit. You had survived and that takes an whole lot of courage.

Hang in there brother.

_________________________
Mikey

IT REALLY IS OK TO STUMBLE. NONE OF US ARE PERFECT.

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#72816 - 09/25/04 05:29 PM Re: I'm Lost
slumberjack Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 09/25/04
Posts: 4
Hay robbie...

It was so sweet to hear of your emotions. IMHO now that you are crying uncontrollably you are taking control. You are confronting emotions, experiencing them. You propensity to love is lying underneath those emotions and you are letting them unload.

I have had a propensity to cry a lot. I was roofied by a man so long ago, my first male sexual experience, and lost my virginity to a woman blacked out too. Now I wonder about that too. I have come to believe that you really do know, emotionally what is happening to you, and those emotions are to be resolved. I went through 6 year celibacy and religion stint. Got married to a woman I didn't and couldn't love. Then my wife went to a sex party and got gangbanged, last fall and then left me.

I was impotent for most of this year. But something amazing started to happen to me, I started getting busy fixing myself. Regarding the gangbang, it happened in part because I had opened my marriage and then I got the message that I needed to take responsibility for that, and accept the gangbang. I had had enough. I needed to see just what I was responsible for and what I wasn't. I repaired a relationship with my estranged mother, who just about abandoned me (I saw her and her family every other weekend). I came to terms with my messed up sexual history, including at least one gay rape (I only drank one beer and blacked out!).

And then I fell in love (and trust) with a lesbian turned bisexual girl (who is much more familir with sexuality issues than I am). Fell in love! Never happened so quickly AND while wading through so much traumatic asexual crap.

I cried so often, often in sexual situations. And continually accepted that I can deserve to love and be loved. It has been absolutely bizarre, and anarchistic, but I've learned to trust it.

I do want to "take control" of the my male sexual experiences and learn to be affectionate with a man. She is supportive. We both have exhibited that we value eachother's love over hot sex and can be open (as in open relationship) at the same time that we express this attitude towards eachother. Its maybe a little tricky because I want to fully love a man too. I just want to clear my heart of all this muck and I guess its going to require unconventional relationships.

My point is to accept love over sex is a big and importnat deal. Its the point when you do get control over all this crap. And there is a whole lot of crying involved. How does your lover react to this? Do you talk to him about your history or let him know that you are activiely working on it? If he wants your love he probably will be supportive of (and even embrace) your endeavor to free your loving heart from these shackles.


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#72817 - 09/25/04 09:44 PM Re: I'm Lost
Robbie Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 09/24/04
Posts: 7
Loc: Atlanta, GA
"How does your lover react to this? Do you talk to him about your history or let him know that you are activiely working on it? If he wants your love he probably will be supportive of (and even embrace) your endeavor to free your loving heart from these shackles."

He is lost as to what to do but has come with me to therapy and will do so again every now and then. He's very supportive about what I'm doing. I know logically he's not going anywhere after these seven years but my heart says that I'm just going to screw this one up. He is the first man who doesn't try to control me, emotionally keep me down, or goes out looking for sex right in front of me.

I don't have any reason not to trust him, but I have trouble with this. I feel that it's only a matter of time. Of course he's lived with my anger, my not wanting to be touched any way but sexually and my fear of going anywhere there's people.

I just think he and my son would be better off without me sometimes.

I'm so glad this board is here. I'm sorry if I'm too high maintenance. I just don't know where to turn.

Does anyone know of groups for us around Atlanta? Gay or straight but accepting? I'm scared to death to go with all of those strangers but if I don't do something I know I'll lose it even more.

Thanks,
Robbie


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#72818 - 09/26/04 04:32 PM Re: I'm Lost
slumberjack Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 09/25/04
Posts: 4
Robbie,

Having someone who cares for you like that is a god send! Of course he doesn't know what to do to help you because everything is taking place in YOUR heart. It sounds like he has expressed his feelings of powerlessness to you so that shows that the desire is there none-the-less.

This is how I look at it. You only have one life. You have someone who cares for you. If it's fate that he's going to leave you, it should be when you are taking advantage of his love and trusting him fully with the jagged inerts of your life, love included, not when you are shutting him out because you are scared. You are in control now. You are choosing how much to trust him. You can't choose how he'll react but nobody ever can. However the choice to trust a caring person in one's life is rarely wrong. If it does end badly you'll be that much better for trying because YOU made the choice about your heart, and you'll have undoubtedly had at least some initial positive experience that will be your progress to keep forever.

I'm sorry, though I don't know of any community for this anywhere, much less Atlanta, though in my opinion there ought to be many in the world. That doesn't mean that there aren't any. I just started looking yesterday, online, and found this. My needs are not extensive and i've never looked for a physical community. I believe that you can find something if you keep your chin up long enough to look.

Ha ha, you are definitely not high maintenance! This is a maintenance community after all, there is no "high maintenance".

Regarding your son and your lover, you are teaching them a priceless lesson on how to cope, how to survive, and how to love with genuine courage which is so rare and edifying, and just how tender the human heart really can be. You are actually a great blessing for these people.


Good Luck friend,
Slummy


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#72819 - 09/26/04 05:40 PM Re: I'm Lost
Kenn Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/10/04
Posts: 146
Loc: Toronto, Canada
Hi Robbie:

Your story touches me on so many levels. I, too, am gay. I, too, was abused over a period of years in my teens. Only recently have I been able to "connect the dots" on some issues but my being gay is not the issue. You and I did not "bring on" the abuse. We were targets of older, authority-figure predators. We were robbed, just like every other man seeking help on this web-site was robbed.

I celebrate that you have a loving relationship and are parenting a son. I drank and drugged my way through my twenties, with few meaningful opportunities for relationships. Fifteen years ago I was diagnosed with AIDS and nearly died in the early 90s. Therapy at that time first helped me see my teenaged years as abusive. But my health was more urgent. Recently, after a traumatic accident, the sexual abuse came back for urgent attention. That's when I found this web-site.

I have just recently begun reading Mike Lew's book. It is tough to read but, like he advises, it is best to read it in small pieces. Crying, whether it is triggered by 80s music or memories of friends, always makes me feel better after. It's not always easy to allow myself to cry, though.

You are not alone.

Kenn

_________________________
"This above all; to thine own self be true."

William Shakespeare, Hamlet

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#72820 - 09/27/04 02:13 AM Re: I'm Lost
hanginon Offline
Member

Registered: 01/25/03
Posts: 89
Loc: sarasota, fl
I haven't been on this site for many months; I was abused by my older brother when I was 8 and he was 14. After a year of performing oral sex on him, and only after my mother explained the birds and the bees to me and another brother 2 years older than me, I asked if what I was doing was wrong.

Now, at the age of 42 and at least 6 years of therapy, I am coming to terms with the chaos the incest has caused in my life. Compounded with emotional abuse from other siblings, my being a very "pretty boy" growing up, I became an easy mark for those looking for some sex with an attractive boy.

Only recently, I became involved with another sex addict who, like me, survived his brother's abuse as a child. This relationship shocked me into seeing how my life was headed, watching him (now just a friend) act out and not be able to control himself, despite his desires for a stable relationship.

My parents 50th anniversary is coming in November and they are taking the entire family (i have four siblings including my perp) on a three-day cruise. This was ok with me, although I have had a very bad relationship with three of the four siblings because I am openly gay (they are homophobes). My parents are good people who have accepted and loved me the best the knew how.

Well, all this to say that in the past two months, the crying that you all speak about has begun. I was in therapy for years but never really wanted to open up the emotions for fear that I wouldn't stop.

Now, I cry on my way to work (in the car), I cry when the phone rings, I cry because there is so much pain and loneliness in my heart. I am 42 years old and single and pretty isolated.

I fear that my past few relationships have been bad for me because I have continually chosen emotionally unavailable men who abuse me, and now, because of this cycle I fear growing old alone. Once my parents are deceased, I fear no one will care if I live or die, especially not my brothers or my sister (she was the closest to me).

I have ended the sexual relationship with my friend, the fellow survivor, because he is not seeking help and is using some powerful drugs to "numb" himself. I am not going on the cruise because I don't trust myself or the way things will go and I don't want to make my parent's anniversary about me, although by not going I am doing just that.

I cry because of this. My parents understand, but I am really tired of being the "fucked up mess" in the family.

I hope these tears lead somewhere other than sadness.

Thanks for listening.

john

_________________________
walker, there is no path, you make a path as you go...

(caminante, no hay camino, se hace camino al andar...)

Antonio Machado

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#72821 - 09/27/04 03:18 AM Re: I'm Lost
Robbie Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 09/24/04
Posts: 7
Loc: Atlanta, GA
John..I think the isolation is common, at least for me. I was in abusive relationships all through high school and my twenties. The last one killed himself. THere have been many times I've wanted to. This week especially but I couldn't do that to my partner of seven years or my son.

I have my partner, my son, and a mother who I'm angry at for not realizing what was happening for two years with a camp counselor and family friend. He was 42, I had just turned twelve ( or I was 11--I can't remember the first time yet). I'm still working on my memories as they are flooding back rapidly. It's been 25 years and I can remember a lot of my childhood before then, and some after that but at 12 years old I was thrown into adulthood unprepared. You have been through the same thing.

As for friends I really don't have any that I keep in touch with. I know a lot of people at work and other parents, of course, but no one who is a friend. It's very lonely. I hope to have the courage to keep coming back here, posting and reading. I tend to run away when things start to look better. Chances are you may too. From what I've read, it's common to feel alone.

If I were in your shoes I wouldn't go on the cruise either. I could not face the person who stole my childhood and could not be with homophobes right now as those issues are resurfacing along with the memories.

I will send good thoughts your way. I'm finding that reading this board is helping me a great deal as it's good (bad?) to know I'm not alone anymore.

Thinking of you,

Robbie


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#72822 - 09/27/04 12:13 PM Re: I'm Lost
hanginon Offline
Member

Registered: 01/25/03
Posts: 89
Loc: sarasota, fl
Robbie,
Thanks for your post. It's 7 am and I the tears are streaming down my face. To know me, you would never guess the trouble that is in my heart. I try to be a light spirit, but of late, all I do is cry and hide from the world.

I am fortunate in that I have a job where I am the "boss" with no staff members to boss around (some consultants), I am easily able to isolate from the outside world and to hide.

My last job was at a large organization in the same field, and the CEO is a homosexual in his late 50s. Over the course of 6 years of working there, from intern to fulltime employee, he would harrass me in ways that were eventually noted by female friends who encouraged me to say something about it to him because he was making THEM feel uncomfortable.

Well, suffice it to say that it took me two years to get the hell out of there, because the victim in the whole thing (ME) was again the evil one and he simply got a slap on the hands and killed my career, as much as he could.

I started to gain weight back then - I guess on a subconcious level I wanted to be taken seriously by my professional colleagues and the sexual harrassment became something that I countered with making myself unattractive to help stop the assault on my professionalism.

I am still overweight and don't care. I am often wondering who would care if I ended it all. I don't have a boyfriend, no children, no family, few friends. None of them seem ot hear me when I say how desperately sad I am - they all think I am just being sad.

It's getting worse, not better. I try to reach out for help, but no one can give me back what I lost and no one loves me enough to even try. I have no hope right now, only tears.

Sadly,
John

_________________________
walker, there is no path, you make a path as you go...

(caminante, no hay camino, se hace camino al andar...)

Antonio Machado

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#72823 - 09/27/04 12:43 PM Re: I'm Lost
markgreyblue Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/19/03
Posts: 5400
Loc: Pasadena, CA
robbie - you are very brave and articulate -
i hear your weariness - i am also very weary with life - but somehow i have to believe it gets better - i am 36 - i never really had a childhood and at times - a lot of the time i feel like 86 -
but there are good moments - i am just not sure
what to expect from life -
but there are ok and better moments - right now very tired and weary and feel encumbered by my body - but that is most likely ...just a moment -

i am glad you are seeking help - it is a good sign -

good luck to you - and pm if you ever need - i will try as best as i can to help or support or just listen -

mark

_________________________
"...do not look outside yourself for the leader."
-wisdom of the hopi elders

"...the sign of a true leader is service..." - anonymous



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