Newest Members
SiegmundNYC, TheGreatWhat, MyNameIsPaul, serenity38, vivo
12486 Registered Users
Today's Birthdays
Can-tex (45), cbchorn (41)
Who's Online
1 registered (1 invisible), 14 Guests and 4 Spiders online.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Forum Stats
12486 Members
74 Forums
64149 Topics
447593 Posts

Max Online: 418 @ 07/02/12 07:29 AM
Twitter
Page 1 of 2 1 2 >
Topic Options
#72792 - 09/06/04 02:00 AM Still don't know who I am.
nobody Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 06/15/04
Posts: 4
Loc: canada
It's been a long time since I've posted. Way back in june I came here because I was caught up in my thoughts and nightmares of past incidents and found myself entirely confused as to whether or not I might be gay. I still don't know. For a while I thought the nightmares had stopped but that didn't last. I've tried to find out for my self just what I am but I don't think I have the courage to go looking. I managed to go so far as to meet two people willing to help me explore but when it came down to it I was terrified. At the last minute all I could do was panic and I ran from the situation. Thats not to say I didn't want it. Or is it? Inside I still think about it. Sometimes a sexual thought inolving a woman will even be unintentionally pushed aside at the thought of another man. Mentally I seem to enjoy it, but when the situation is real. I just can't handle it. Am I supposed to take the hint that I'm not gay? If so, how am I supposed to ignore my own thoughts? As much as I don't know where I stand, I don't even know what I'm afriad of.


Top
#72793 - 09/06/04 03:13 AM Re: Still don't know who I am.
Ivanhoe Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/19/03
Posts: 1907
Geez, Nobody, I hope that you're not doing this alone. I mean, you DO have a therapist, don't you? If not, get thee to a therapist, I mean it.
These questions are primary and you'd want to have some kind of a guide. Just know, that before most of us found out who we liked to make love with, a lot of us had those kind of questions. Of all of the things that can happen to a kid, CSA can really screw up one's sexual orientation journey.
I've submitted a paper that was written by my therapist with Sexual Orientation Confusion in the title. Once it's approved it will be available.
In the meantime, try to locate a good therapist who has some expertise in this area.

Peace, strength and courage,

David

_________________________
"No soul is desolate as long as there is a human being for whom it can feel trust and reverence."
George Eliot

Top
#72794 - 09/06/04 05:46 AM Re: Still don't know who I am.
Ivo Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/08/04
Posts: 267
Loc: Germany
Hello Nobody,
I have to agree with David.
Do not generalize your issues because they are extremely complex and important.

Be careful,
Ivo


Top
#72795 - 09/06/04 11:51 AM Re: Still don't know who I am.
nobody Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 06/15/04
Posts: 4
Loc: canada
No, there is no one else dealing with this, only me. I don't want to drag someone else into my problems and I can't afford a therapist. Plus I don't think I can tell someone, face to face, what happened. I try not to recount it, even to myself. I just pushed it aside and hoped it would go away. But it never seems too. I wish I hadn't talked back to him, he wouldn't have hurt me if I had been quiet and then I wouldn't be where I am now. Wondering if it was what he did that made me gay. Is that even possible?


Top
#72796 - 09/06/04 02:41 PM Re: Still don't know who I am.
Kenn Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/10/04
Posts: 146
Loc: Toronto, Canada
Dear "nobody":

Sorry if you have covered these questions before but:

1) How old are you?
2) Why - give reasons, please - can you not tell somebody, i.e. a professional, about this? (I cannot afford some therapists, either, but psychiatry is covered by medicare here in Canada so you could find a good psychiatrist. A hospital could help you with that.)
3) What other factors are affecting your attitude, even your fear, that you may be gay? Parents? Church? Friends? All of the above? Most of us, in this part of the forum, have had to deal with one or all of these. It is when we think we cannot - or dare not - that we go to unnecessary, and often tragic, lengths.
4) Where do you live? Big city? Small town?

The most common question I have heard to answer for yourself, in determining your sexual orientation, is who do you fantasize about more - guys or gals? (You may even be bisexual.)

Keep in touch,

Kenn

_________________________
"This above all; to thine own self be true."

William Shakespeare, Hamlet

Top
#72797 - 09/06/04 03:24 PM Re: Still don't know who I am.
nobody Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 06/15/04
Posts: 4
Loc: canada
This past summer I just turned 25. I fear living in such a small town that if I told anyone, everyone would know. This community has a way of knowing everything. I'm not even so sure there is a psychiatrist around here. A counsellor or two maybe, but thats it. I don't know what would anger my father more, if he found out what happened to me, that I was seeking help or that I was gay. He'd never forgive me, for any of that. At one time I might have said my friends were an influence on my decision to stay quiet about this, but not anymore I don't think. My friends have changed since it went on.


Top
#72798 - 09/06/04 03:38 PM Re: Still don't know who I am.
brian-z Offline
Member

Registered: 07/11/02
Posts: 770
Loc: Western USA
Quote:
Found myself entirely confused as to whether or not I might be gay. I still don't know.
You're not gay, if you were you'ed know it.


Top
#72799 - 09/06/04 09:29 PM Re: Still don't know who I am.
Ken Singer, LCSW Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/24/00
Posts: 5780
Loc: Lambertville, NJ USA
Quote:
I fear living in such a small town that if I told anyone, everyone would know. This community has a way of knowing everything.
Maybe that's the case when you tell somebody at the local hardware store. However, when was the last time a counsellor told you about his clients? Therapists have to maintain confidentiality. You may have a limited number of therapists available to you in your community, however many people I work with come from some distance, 1 - 2 hours because there is nobody with experience in male abuse nearby.

You might have to do a little traveling but getting the right kind of help is a lot better than suffering in silence.

Ken


Top
#72800 - 09/07/04 08:02 PM Re: Still don't know who I am.
brokentoys Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/03/04
Posts: 149
Loc: So. California
Hi Nobody,
I have read your post several times thinking that maybe someone would say something, but no one has so I am going to butt in here and give my 2 cents! No, I don't believe your attacker can "make" you gay. Many of us were left confused about our sexuality by our experiences, but I believe either you are gay or not. I just can't buy a traumatic experience like that deciding your gender preference. The only reason that they have any power over us later in life is because we grant them that power by allowing the memory of what they did to affect our lives. Once we learn how to not let that affect our lives, they lose that power over us. Does that mean at that time we revert to straight or gay or whatever? I don't think so. Well I hope that didn't tick anyone off, but that is my opinion.
BT

_________________________
It's easier to go down a hill than up it but the view is much better at the top.

Arnold Bennet

Top
#72801 - 09/07/04 10:57 PM Re: Still don't know who I am.
Ken Singer, LCSW Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/24/00
Posts: 5780
Loc: Lambertville, NJ USA
I think there may be confusion for some about sexual orientation when one has been abused. It is true that orientation is not really set up by the experience of sexual abuse. However, some may be drawn to or fixated by penises in the case of those abused by males.

That said, it is a complicated process of getting connected to or turned on by penises when your first sexual experience (premature, in many or most cases) puts someone's penis in your face and you are aroused by it. The same may be said for someone prematurely fondling and creating powerful sexual feelings before you are prepared to experience them in a more "natural" way in adolescence.

I've worked with many men and adolescents who are confused by their feelings and fantasies of penises based on their abusive experiences. While some were destined to be gay, others may have responses to the images and experiences of being abused and are not really gay. (This in no way is meant to diminish anyone who is gay.)

It is about conditioning, rather than orientation. For example, if you were given an enema while being abused and experienced an orgasm or intense sexual pleasure, you might associate enemas with sexual gratification. This is how people develop fetishes to leather, shoes and other objects.

It is a matter of conditioning. Not necessarily a matter of sexual orientation.

Ken


Top
Page 1 of 2 1 2 >


Moderator:  ModTeam 

I agree that my access and use of the MaleSurvivor discussion forums and chat room is subject to the terms of this Agreement. AND the sole discretion of MaleSurvivor.
I agree that my use of MaleSurvivor resources are AT-WILL, and that my posting privileges may be terminated at any time, and for any reason by MaleSurvivor.