Many Thanks for your sincere support! Itís stunning to have a safe place to go, a place where I donít feel different and out of sync with my surroundings. Itís still scary and awkward to come here and more so to write a message but Iíll keep trying.
I have been to my first appointment with a therapist! Wow, did I feel out of place, embarrassed and terror-stricken! Thank god that it was after I have been on-call (up all night!) and a full working day, so that I was bone-tired or I would have balked and chickened out. What kept me from leaving was that the whole practice (4 physicians and 4 psychotherapists) is built around health issues of gay men.
My therapist is a gay man in his 40th, himself a victim of childhood abuse and has immense experience of working with male-victims and has a good reputation in the social- health community.
I was as tong-tide and awkward as usual when it comes to my abuse but he didnít press just asked me WHY as was there? Why was E (the lesbian) so worried about me? When I just murmured unintelligible, gulped, started to sweat and breath raggedly he just took my hand and said; How many years ago? I just sucked in air but no words came out. He looked at me, then he talked; about how common childhood-abuse is in all socio-economic groups, the shame, guilt, numbness, alcoholism, drug use, over/under working/eating/sleeping/exercising, flashbacks, individual/group-therapy, dairy, websites and sponsor/mentor support. The entire time he held my handÖÖ
I have a new appointment with him on Friday and a bunch of brochures to read through until then. Iím dazed but a little proud of myself that I manage to go through his door.
Before I left his office, I told him about this website (which he already know of and praised highly!) I worked up my courage and told him about a incident earlier that day Ė I lost my cool and let my rage loose in front of parents, hospital staff and my fellow doctors on a dim-witted female social-worker that used the words homosexual, sexual abuse of boys and paedophile in the same sentence. Have your facts straight or keep your stupid mouth shut, was my tender wordsÖ. She was devastated and ran crying from the ward but damn if I apologise! Yeah, I know I have lost it and the truth is, Iím as prejudice against heterosexuals as she is against homosexuals.
My T just listened and told me that striking out is very common but that I should talk to the woman and educate her about the latest perpetrator/victim-studies and explain to her the importance of killing old lies and prejudice and if she refuse, just have her removed from work among children! Yeah, my T is a man of my liking.
I have taken one more step (I HOPE!) and Iím equally terrified, glad, drained, relived and guarded. (Brothers, Iím shaking in my boots!) Now if I can learn to talk to the man, it would be even better. Henry
My brothers here, how did you select a therapist? Any preferences? (Man, woman, gay, straight) Did you try more than one therapist? I have these thoughts that a straight person can never fully understand what growing up gay means (we are born, mostly, in to straight families) and the abuse multiplies these feelings of being so very different.
The Truth can be painful but it does not produce evil. Lies are the source of evil.