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#72616 - 08/01/04 12:41 AM one more before bedtime
markgreyblue Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/19/03
Posts: 5400
Loc: Pasadena, CA
i went out with my new neighbors tonight -
i listened to them with open ears and talked to them as i talk to you brothers - i listened and i honestly expressed my emotions and life history -

the talking here
made me able to start to do that in a public setting -

and talking face to face to my new neighbors - who have offered themselves in supportive ways time and again - showed me they are safe to be with - this helped me start to talk to them candidly as i do with all of you here -

it was really liberating and an opening of my eyes

tho when i came home to my empty house i almost started to go back into
the old mode of things - the old tapes -
but i started to remember to listen to myself -
as someone else put it here "would i talk to you the way i would talk to me" -
so in a sense - i continued to think -

and i realized - the need and allowances for certain transitions for me - coming home to alone time -

to bedtime transitions - rituals -
to diffuse the loneliness and fear of body memory -
and the fear as if i would dissapear if i were to lay my head down - sleeping alone bites and teddy's are hollow for me -


i have thought about a lot of things thru deciphering my old tapes tonight - my parents -
their seeming unconsciousness -

and thoughts of an old friend - one who offered the following phrase "to just get it out" and the db had been a saving grace in that dept.

so this is my last posting for tonight - getting sleepier - and getting more and more able to be alone and be ok - a confident time as well-

i hope as much as possible brothers you are all getting a good nights sleep - dream what you want to dream -


mgb

_________________________
"...do not look outside yourself for the leader."
-wisdom of the hopi elders

"...the sign of a true leader is service..." - anonymous



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#72617 - 08/01/04 02:37 AM Re: one more before bedtime
Bill_1965 Offline
Chat Mod Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/29/03
Posts: 1983
Loc: Flint, Michigan
all those old tapes can be rewritten. one at a time. you are doing it.

take care,
bill

_________________________
Pain is Temporary; Quitting lasts Forever. - Lance Armstrong

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#72618 - 08/01/04 06:23 AM Re: one more before bedtime
markgreyblue Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/19/03
Posts: 5400
Loc: Pasadena, CA
thanks bill

_________________________
"...do not look outside yourself for the leader."
-wisdom of the hopi elders

"...the sign of a true leader is service..." - anonymous



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