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#72609 - 07/31/04 07:18 PM i guess this is the confusing difficult part
markgreyblue Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/19/03
Posts: 5400
Loc: Pasadena, CA
i want to love everything about who i am as i discover whatever that entails - or who that is -

i feel like i have to erase myself partly with people because i almost invariably imagine having sex with anyone i enjoy talking to -

and i have to hide that -

having couples as friends - or just regular friends is very difficult

most of the time -

perhaps i shouldn't say this - but this is the most honest thing and

derailing thing about my friendships at least the friendships that i do have -

thanks for listening

i guess i can't like everything i discover about myself -

mgreyblue

_________________________
"...do not look outside yourself for the leader."
-wisdom of the hopi elders

"...the sign of a true leader is service..." - anonymous



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#72610 - 07/31/04 07:20 PM Re: i guess this is the confusing difficult part
markgreyblue Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/19/03
Posts: 5400
Loc: Pasadena, CA
mgrey blue and isolated

_________________________
"...do not look outside yourself for the leader."
-wisdom of the hopi elders

"...the sign of a true leader is service..." - anonymous



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#72611 - 08/01/04 12:14 AM Re: i guess this is the confusing difficult part
yesac76 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/23/04
Posts: 508
Loc: Idaho
My brother,
It takes balls to admit what you just did. I applaud your honesty!
Casey

_________________________
"You live it or lie it" Metallica

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#72612 - 08/01/04 01:29 AM Re: i guess this is the confusing difficult part
markgreyblue Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/19/03
Posts: 5400
Loc: Pasadena, CA
ridiculously i will say now that i am an attention hog - i like it -
i am also now acting childishly now with a sense of entitlement
- job number one is apparent to me now - and i cannot move beyond it until i get that part into action -

gracias amigos

mgb

_________________________
"...do not look outside yourself for the leader."
-wisdom of the hopi elders

"...the sign of a true leader is service..." - anonymous



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#72613 - 08/01/04 06:37 AM Re: i guess this is the confusing difficult part
markgreyblue Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/19/03
Posts: 5400
Loc: Pasadena, CA
as i 'cop' to different aspects of myself -

i like attention - can't deny that - i like excitement and the spotlight

i like some pleasure - i can't deny that -

i realize that my mind plays tricks on me - it can be very playful and blind to the

feelings and fears or should i say influenced by the feelings and fears

for example - when my friend sounds tired and he says he is going out for a drink

my fear says he is going to have an accident

and the fear becomes great

and the emotion becomes very strong and real

it is weird - this fantasy builds up out of no where and i start to think in terms of it

being actually real -

i can need certain things - want certain things - but i also realize that i can't let the wanting

or needing of certain things amounts of whatever in my life to

lead me to derail my 'process' by which i make decisions about my life -

when indeed i want

to achieve what i want -

but cannot let the fear and fantasy to start to dictate

reality by which I approach the problem solving or planning process for achieving my goals

the fear can help me project certain road blocks or outcomes

but i cannot let it distrupt my vision that makes it possible for me to stay in the track that will
actually get me what i want -

the creative spin in my head can be a preventative in the bad sense

so i am now giving voice to my fear in the form of questions to myself

so that i am not just feeling fear and maybe making snap decisions

- but knowing what those fears are and seeing when i am not so keen on how they influenced

my decisions - thoughts at the time -

it's really kind of cool

but as an aside - i think that everyone likes pleasure - and it;s the fact that we all love pleasure

but seeing how people fulfill those needs and desires and

how they behave toward the closest people in their lives -

do they behave as the good guy in public - enjoying the spotlight that that forma

can give them and then ungenerously treat the people who are close to them?

i think this is a really important standard to me -

i really think a bench mark for respect FOR ME is how people treat their loved ones

or the people closest to them ---

and how they treat themselves -giving to their needs first is crucial - but then

seeing if they can tolerate another individual's 'life' in this light - that is

a telltale for me -

_________________________
"...do not look outside yourself for the leader."
-wisdom of the hopi elders

"...the sign of a true leader is service..." - anonymous



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