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#72577 - 07/25/04 03:54 PM Disassociate during sex - TRIGGER WARNING POSSIBLY
MrDon Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/08/01
Posts: 957
Loc: Deltona, FL
Often during sex, I really struggle with staying present in what is going on and in myself. Sometimes are better than others and sometimes are worse than others. And there are times when I can't even go to anything sexual with my partner or with myself. It is like I become asexual or non sexual for periods of time.

It seems like my body can perform exactly the way it is supposed to, but that it does it without me. I think you could pull me out of my body and it wouldn't notice. I'm not sure how to really explain this.

Of course I know I was made to perform all of my life from a little boy until I went to college. The abuse didn't stop until I left home and that was around 18 years old. The other thing I learned was that if I performed and got things over quickly, it meant that I could leave the situation and get away from my father/brother. Of course if I didn't perform right, my father/brother got very angry with me and found some way to take it out on me. While that worked than, I struggle sometimes with things being too quick and not really experiencing the "full range of feeling and emotions" that go along with sex.

I really struggle at times with this because I'm sure there is more to sex, but my body hasn't figured it out yet and yet it has been doing it all of its life.

So the other night, my partner and I tried something different and I think it helped. For 5 minutes we would ask the other person what they would like to have done (i.e. massaging a certain area, back rub, holding the other person, etc... all the usual stuff that one could do in a intimate moment without it being directly sexual). We had a clock and we would stop when 5 minutes were up. The person that was getting the special treatment was not allowed to do anything but to try and take it all in, to just be in the moment. Than we would switch and do this again. We kept doing this for quite some time that night. At times this was a little tough because although I requested something, I knew that when 5 minutes was up, it would end.

It was a awesome night of sex because we both had tuned into ourselves and each other and I think I was able to keep from disassociating. I was able to stay present (for the most part) with what was going on. I think the time limit helped because it was short and I knew that this gave me some control over it. And by keeping my mind focused on what the other person was doing, it helped me to really be in the moment and not some place else.

It was fun of course. I'm hoping that by doing something as simple as this, that I can begin to be more present in myself. I really hate what my father and brother did to me on a daily basis and want so badly for my body to experience things like it should be able to.

Anyway, I tried to not get to personal in this but I just wanted to share this with everyone and document for myself what I did as well. Writing about it makes it more real for me.

Don

_________________________
In order to journey to new worlds, we must first be willing to lose site of the shore.

The Mind Body Thoughts Blog
http://mindbodythoughts.blogspot.com/

Check out my relaxing piano music from the heart!
http://www.donshetterly.com

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#72578 - 07/25/04 11:55 PM Re: Disassociate during sex - TRIGGER WARNING POSSIBLY
ScottyTodd Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 02/12/03
Posts: 1561
Loc: Pennsylvania
Don - Your feelings about disociation are pretty common and, at times, I feel the same way. I was especially intrigued by your feelings of asexuality or disinterest because this plagues me as well at times for a bit longer than I feel comfortable.
Your experiment sounds effective and I believe I read about something similar with Master's and Johnson Institute. Glad you are free to experiment and share the results! Thanks!

Howard

_________________________
If you think you can or you can't - you're right!.......anon
It's never too late to have a happy childhood!.....anon
You're very normal for the abnormal situation you've been through..............S. Todd

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#72579 - 07/26/04 01:51 AM Re: Disassociate during sex - TRIGGER WARNING POSSIBLY
MrDon Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/08/01
Posts: 957
Loc: Deltona, FL
Howard,
Yeah I've gone at least a month or even two where I felt "non sexual". I didn't want to touch myself sexually and I didn't want to be touched sexually by my partner. And at the same time I think my body wanted it but I didn't want it (if that makes sense).

That is one of the great things about the relationship and partner I have. From the very start (since we were both survivors) we have been open with each other to the best of our ability. By being open, we've also built up trust and we also have a rule that we can say no or stop at any time. But we both understand and accept each other where ever we are at.

I don't know what made me think of that exercise we did that night, but it seemed appropiate and my partner was up for it as well.

Don

_________________________
In order to journey to new worlds, we must first be willing to lose site of the shore.

The Mind Body Thoughts Blog
http://mindbodythoughts.blogspot.com/

Check out my relaxing piano music from the heart!
http://www.donshetterly.com

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#72580 - 07/26/04 09:42 PM Re: Disassociate during sex - TRIGGER WARNING POSSIBLY
David1010 Offline
Member

Registered: 06/07/04
Posts: 46
Loc: Philadelphia, PA
I am now wondering if this is what happens to my bf at times. Sometimes he feel very nonsexual and doesn't want to touch or be touched by me. I have to be veeeeeeeeery patient, because sometimes it happens when I least expect it. I do respect his wishes, and I even move to the next bedroom to let him in his solitude when he doesn't want to be bothered. he goes through these periods where he doesn't want to even hear anything remotely sexual.

Other than letting having his space I haven't really tried anything else. I just figure he should have the space and time he needs to deal with whatever, and let him know that I'm there for him. this post is an eye opener to me.


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#72581 - 07/27/04 01:42 AM Re: Disassociate during sex - TRIGGER WARNING POSSIBLY
MrDon Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/08/01
Posts: 957
Loc: Deltona, FL
For me during these times of no touch, I feel like someone would be giving water to a drowning man. It isn't a fun time and is extremely frustrating for me because I really do long for the touch, but my body just says to me, hell no - no way. And that sucks!

Normally it doesn't last a long time, and I don't think I would want to be sleeping in a different bed (might make me feel "bad" in a way). But there have been times that I have had to come out in the living room and sleep on the couch because the anxiety/fear was just too high.

I have no idea why it comes and goes like it does and suppose that something triggers it and something that I am not even aware of. Other than that I have no explanation because it really makes me feel like a freak during these times.

Don

_________________________
In order to journey to new worlds, we must first be willing to lose site of the shore.

The Mind Body Thoughts Blog
http://mindbodythoughts.blogspot.com/

Check out my relaxing piano music from the heart!
http://www.donshetterly.com

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