It's a tough line to walk. It's all about support, support, support outside of your wife. When my wife was about to jump out the window, figuratively speaking, my therapist told her to let HIM be my therapist. She was to stop trying to be the therapist and just be my wife. That advice saved us. Sometimes I feel like I'm living this secret life where I'm getting all of this support and therapy, talking to other men who are survivors, too, but it is what's best for our marraige.
Your needs aren't wrong. We all need someone to understand us and help us. I just can't expect one person to fill all of those needs plus her own. That's why I use this site. I write all the things that hurt me, the struggles I have, and the internal fights that my wife really doesn't need to be a part of. With all the support I get here and from my friends outside, I'm strong enough to have something to give back to my wife. I've also arranged for her to have support, too. We've gotten some miniature horses, and I make sure she gets time to spend with another lady who owns horses. We have a couple of "chosen families" that have adopted us as their own kids.
We need support. You're doing the best thing by coming here and writing or by finding a therapist who will listen and support you. I think "co-dependency" is an overused term. We need others. It's the SA and our abusive families that are the problem. Instead of getting understanding and the love we deserved, you got beaten by your father. I got shoved onto a couch and choked, my mouth bleeding all over my shirt. How are we supposed to come out of that "normal"? But by feeling the pain, directing the anger at the perps who damaged us, our memories exert less force on our lives today.
I'm glad you found this site. We're here to listen and support you. We may not have answers, but we understand what you're going through. Hang in there, OK?
"This search for the truth--it's not for the faint of heart."--Goren on 'Law & Order: CI'
"The former things will not be called to mind, neither will they come up into the heart."--Isaiah 65:17