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#72514 - 07/11/04 11:22 PM New here - possible triggers
Kenn Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/10/04
Posts: 146
Loc: Toronto, Canada
Hi guys:

I am happy to have found you. Google (indirectly) never lets me down! I find it easy to discuss myself with strangers, so it wouldn't surprise me if I tell too much about myself.

The zip file on me: 44, abused repeatedly by a much older stranger when I was between 12 & 16, became a problem drinker when I left home for college, got involved with a fundamentalist church (against even my liberal family's wishes), then came BURSTING out of the closet a couple of years later (having lived a double life in gay bars throughout this phase), lost my small-town job in '87, moved to the big city with my severance package in '88, quit drinking (still sober), was HIV+ by '89, first began to recognise the abuse for what it was, in and out of therapy ever since, full-blown AIDS by '93, surviving to this day...

Then... was involved in a traumatic accident (struck by a cab, fracturing a hip and wrist in April '03), dealing with PTSD since then and - surprise, surprise - the abuse issue has re-emerged in my depressive moments.

The never-resolved issue for me...hence the trigger warning...why would I go back, again and again, to our remote rendez-vous locations when - in hindsight, granted - it was sexual abuse from the get-go? The equally problematic thing was that, by the time this first started, I was already playing around with a neighbourhood friend (also gay, then and ever since). I find it difficult to seperate the "boys will be boys" good fun from the totally inappropriate abuse by the much older guy.

Yet with him - the older guy - I experienced my first (ever) orgasm and because I didn't know what was happening, naive kid that I was, I turned away from him, thus spoiling his fun....shame ensued, ya da ya da ya da...

I have never - no, never - had a significant, loving relationship - and I can count dates on one hand. Everything else - and there was lots of it - was in bath houses and the like.

I think I'm in the right place ;^)

_________________________
"This above all; to thine own self be true."

William Shakespeare, Hamlet

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#72515 - 07/12/04 04:14 PM Re: New here - possible triggers
BT Offline


Registered: 06/25/03
Posts: 388
Loc: Chicago IL
Kenn, welcome to the pack. As many will say I am sorry for all the reasons that has brought you here, but am glad you have found us.

You will find some great guys here, and some will probably become your friends. Sometimes it gets a little heated, but we are all trying to survive and heal so don't let that ever put you off. Everyone's heart is in the right place.

Again, welcome and all my best.

Brent

_________________________
"Everyone is entitled to their opinions and it is not my job to change their mind." Dali Lama

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#72516 - 07/12/04 05:12 PM Re: New here - possible triggers
Kenn Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/10/04
Posts: 146
Loc: Toronto, Canada
Thanks for the reply Brent. I wrote my post last night and, given the hour, it felt like it was going in to a deep vortex.

Sometimes everything seems so overwhelming. Being easily distracted is perhaps a built-in survivor mechanism because I cannot seem to concentrate on meaningful things.

When all else fails I write in my "blog". I have not gone too deep in to my CSA there, although I almost did in one entry.

There are some, among my regular readers, who do not know that part of my history (including family members although I have mentioned it, in a general way, to two of them).

Thanks again for being here.

Kenn

_________________________
"This above all; to thine own self be true."

William Shakespeare, Hamlet

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#72517 - 07/12/04 08:15 PM Re: New here - possible triggers
The Dean Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 07/15/02
Posts: 2080
Loc: Milwaukee, WI
Kenn, it can be really difficult after telling our stories. I know I felt so vulnerable after the first time that I hated myself for saying anything. Today, I speak freely of it.

You ask why you went back to a remote place for what you knew would be abuse. There can be many reasons for that. In general, as we look at the situation we come to see a power that he/they had over us, so that we would never have considered not going back. That might not be all that clear to you yet--but I would bet that it will become clear.

There is a huge difference between "boys will be boys" and sexual abuse. The much older stranger was totally responsible for everything that happened between you and him.

Two things have really been crucial to me in understanding why I was so harmed by what happened to me--I felt betrayed by a man I thought I really loved and wanted to be like, AND my person was violated--there was nothing loving or caring or fun about anything that he did.

Be good to yourself now. It is probably best to not try to understand it--it is like trying to make sense talking to a drug crased personm--it can't make any sense.

Bob

_________________________
If we do not live what we believe, then we will begin to believe what we live.

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#72518 - 07/12/04 08:33 PM Re: New here - possible triggers
Kenn Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/10/04
Posts: 146
Loc: Toronto, Canada
Thanks, Bob, for your response.

I don't think I'm sorry to have re-opened this can of worms again, but now I can't seem to do much else but think and write about it (and read others' stories).

I just got off the phone with a cousin of mine (she works for Children's Aid) and, by happenstance ;\) , we have been trying to get together to catch up on each other's lives. We've made a lunch date for Wednesday. I know she will be receptive to hearing about my process. She knows virtually everything else about me.

So I'll keep coming back, checking for messages, taking notes for my T, and trying to function.

Thanks again for writing.

Kenn

_________________________
"This above all; to thine own self be true."

William Shakespeare, Hamlet

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#72519 - 07/12/04 09:44 PM Re: New here - possible triggers
David1010 Offline
Member

Registered: 06/07/04
Posts: 46
Loc: Philadelphia, PA
Welcome Kenn. You are in the right place if you are looking for support. I can assure you there are many good men here that can both relate and support you.


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#72520 - 07/12/04 10:37 PM Re: New here - possible triggers
Kenn Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/10/04
Posts: 146
Loc: Toronto, Canada
So I'm finding out, David! Thanks.

_________________________
"This above all; to thine own self be true."

William Shakespeare, Hamlet

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#72521 - 07/14/04 07:04 PM Re: New here - possible triggers
Kenn Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/10/04
Posts: 146
Loc: Toronto, Canada
Hello again:

I had lunch with my cousin today (the Children's Services worker) and told her that I knew there was a reason for us to be getting together this week (it's been over a year since I saw her). As a kid I would spend part of the summers with her family at their cottage.

Today she intuitively asked some very pertinent questions. I told her about the therapy I've been getting for accident-related PTSD and that it had brought up a lot of other stuff.

She asked, "So are we talking about physical or sexual or psycholgical abuse?"

I think I surprised her when I answered, "All of the above" and I was able to tell her, in a general way, about my childhood - which, besides the on-going sexual abuse by a stranger, included physical & psychologicial abuse by a teacher ("bullying" wasn't just from kids!) who also was a close family friend.

It was so liberating!

When I came home I sent her a short thank you email and this is part of what she said in response, which brought me to tears:

"Dearest Kenn, you are still the sweet boy who quietly sat outside my bedroom door for hours (probably) waiting for my folks and I to waken up.
You have once again made me feel very special, this time by saying I was a good person to talk to."

Just wanted to check in with that pick-me-up!

Thanks,
Kenn

_________________________
"This above all; to thine own self be true."

William Shakespeare, Hamlet

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#72522 - 07/15/04 08:39 AM Re: New here - possible triggers
David1010 Offline
Member

Registered: 06/07/04
Posts: 46
Loc: Philadelphia, PA
I'm glad to hear that you were able to find someone close to you that is also understanding. Seems like she cares about you.


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