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#72507 - 07/07/04 06:33 PM Am I crazy or what?
whendoIcry? Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/02/04
Posts: 34
Loc: Metro Boston
Recently sent this email to another group I belong to; bisexual married men of America. I would appreciate anyone's comments.

I survived physical and sexual abuse by the priest I came out to at age 19...over thirty years ago...that is the background for why I am where I am today...I think he scared the piss out of me and I latched ontot he first woman that loved me...only a few years after the abuse. Here is my posting:

Dear BIMM friends,

I am being considered for group therapy to help me learn to deal with people more appropriately. My tendancy leads me to either isolate from people or form very obsessive attachments. I hope to learn to look at my feelings and learn to make room for them
and then how to manage them. I went to see the group leader last night for a consult. He is interviewing for three people to join a group. We chatted about my 'stuff' and he just plain looked me in the eye and asked why I was not with a man. I shared my feeling that I made a commitment to my wife nearly 30 years ago and I want to honor it. He went on to say that everything about me tells him I am gay and my 'energy charge' is about men...

...recently in therapy I became aware of some very, very powerful early memories of lying on my dad's chest, nestled into his arms. It must have been summer as he was barechested and I distinctly remember the texture of his chest hair, his distinct body smells and his general disposition. All good. No memories at all like this of my mom. Dad then became a very unpredictable and unruly alcoholic who profoundly scared and disappointed me...thus the
longing and constant craving...which I try to cover up with various activities and chemicals...it was booze and random sex...mental obsessions, crisis creation, overeating, overworking, etc...

...my defenses are falling away and I am drifting
along experiencing a lot of raw emotion...not really depressed but profoundly saddened and aggrieved...

...also feeling a lot of shame about my feelings...all of my feelings...everything is about how ashamed I feel to have any feelings at all...goes back to a childhood of being the oldest child in a large alcoholic family, trying against the tide to fix it.

To quote an old, familiar song, 'I will urvive...'

Thank you my friends. Knowing I could post this to a supportive group has made all the difference in helping me get through this day.

Peace.

Marty

_________________________
I survive, one day at a time...knowing that I now can accept the things that cannot be changed, change the things I can and find the wisdom to know the difference.

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#72508 - 07/08/04 11:10 AM Re: Am I crazy or what?
Aden Offline
Member

Registered: 07/05/04
Posts: 499
Donít think that this is meant as advise. Just an observation. I was married for 10 years and would never have left my wife. The divorce was her idea. I thought that I was Bi but never talked about it with my wife. After the divorce I realize that while I can enjoy straight relationships, I not really Bi in my deepest heart. My behavior has been Bi but my thoughts are almost entirely gay. I have no sexual obsessions or compulsions and am not loose or predatory. But I am gay. My friends keep trying to fix me up with some nice woman. And they are all really nice. But I am not interested. If my wife hadnít left me I would still be married to her, and Iíd still be gay. It is important to know who you really are deep down inside. It is also important to honor and respect your commitments. A gay man can love his straight wife as deeply and fully as any other man can love. What you are, how you feel, and what you do are separate issues.

Aden


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#72509 - 07/08/04 09:00 PM Re: Am I crazy or what?
David1010 Offline
Member

Registered: 06/07/04
Posts: 46
Loc: Philadelphia, PA
I hope this group can help you in any way it can. I relate to the isolation and overattachment. \:\)


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