Recently sent this email to another group I belong to; bisexual married men of America. I would appreciate anyone's comments.
I survived physical and sexual abuse by the priest I came out to at age 19...over thirty years ago...that is the background for why I am where I am today...I think he scared the piss out of me and I latched ontot he first woman that loved me...only a few years after the abuse. Here is my posting:
Dear BIMM friends,
I am being considered for group therapy to help me learn to deal with people more appropriately. My tendancy leads me to either isolate from people or form very obsessive attachments. I hope to learn to look at my feelings and learn to make room for them
and then how to manage them. I went to see the group leader last night for a consult. He is interviewing for three people to join a group. We chatted about my 'stuff' and he just plain looked me in the eye and asked why I was not with a man. I shared my feeling that I made a commitment to my wife nearly 30 years ago and I want to honor it. He went on to say that everything about me tells him I am gay and my 'energy charge' is about men...
...recently in therapy I became aware of some very, very powerful early memories of lying on my dad's chest, nestled into his arms. It must have been summer as he was barechested and I distinctly remember the texture of his chest hair, his distinct body smells and his general disposition. All good. No memories at all like this of my mom. Dad then became a very unpredictable and unruly alcoholic who profoundly scared and disappointed me...thus the
longing and constant craving...which I try to cover up with various activities and chemicals...it was booze and random sex...mental obsessions, crisis creation, overeating, overworking, etc...
...my defenses are falling away and I am drifting
along experiencing a lot of raw emotion...not really depressed but profoundly saddened and aggrieved...
...also feeling a lot of shame about my feelings...all of my feelings...everything is about how ashamed I feel to have any feelings at all...goes back to a childhood of being the oldest child in a large alcoholic family, trying against the tide to fix it.
To quote an old, familiar song, 'I will urvive...'
Thank you my friends. Knowing I could post this to a supportive group has made all the difference in helping me get through this day.
I survive, one day at a time...knowing that I now can accept the things that cannot be changed, change the things I can and find the wisdom to know the difference.