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#72485 - 06/20/04 11:48 AM Re: Question?
David1010 Offline
Member

Registered: 06/07/04
Posts: 46
Loc: Philadelphia, PA
I can't give you the answer to your question, but I'd like to give you some insights I got from people I know. I too have decided to end a dating situation because the other person feels ready for sex and I don't. I don't think there's anything wrong with that.

However, I have also seen people that give sexual interaction too much power, thinking that sex will make them vulnerable, or fear of being dumped after having sex, or fear of becoming too attached to the person, or fearing that sex means that the dating is over and now it's a relationship. The reasons why people postpone or are more sensitive with sex matters are many.

Try to honestly see what are your real reasons. Is it fear? Is it that you want to control the situation? Is it your own beliefs about sex or your own sexuality? Many of us survivors react to sex in unhealthy ways because it triggers some memories and all we know how to do is protect ourselves. We may associate sex as adults with sexual abuse that happened in the past. Also some of us feel "on guard" when it comes to sex, and is difficult to just relax, trust the other person and be spontaneous.

How do you feel about sex in general? How do you feel about your sexual orientation? How do you feel about being a survivor? What kind of people you feel attracted to? What kind of people you feel comforttable dating? Do they remind you of someone from the past? There are many things that may make you give in.

Also, maybe the other person may have a problem with respecting your boundaries and timing. Some men don't understand the concept of waitng until the right time for sex. I hope this helps.


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#72486 - 06/21/04 10:59 AM Re: Question?
Mike Church Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 01/23/03
Posts: 3439
Loc: Toronto, Canada
Marc I may be way off base here and please let me know if I am. I always thought that sex between consulting adults or teens that involved a sense of coming together and giving each other freely and without reservation was what love is really all about. I do not think it is about getting your rocks off in the common vernacular.

It seems to me that they may have gotten close to you because they sensed a really hot guy and did not give two cents for the intelligence between the ears that you have in so much abundance. I think that they considered you a conquest to add to the scalps on their belt.

Each and every one of us is better than being a trophy. It is the love and sharing that comes with having a soul mate.

In addition to the giving your self freely to each other it should also be an uplifting experience. If it was not for you then it was forced.

_________________________
Mikey

IT REALLY IS OK TO STUMBLE. NONE OF US ARE PERFECT.

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#72487 - 06/22/04 11:20 AM Re: Question?
Brayton Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/21/03
Posts: 696
Loc: Minneapolis
For me, there have been several things going on at the same time but the main thing has been that I just don't feel worth it when it comes to standing up for myself and resisting being taken avantage of.

Sex (abuse) was what they all demanded of me to begin with and I gave in then and so it just seems inevitable to give in again and again even though I was a child then and an adult now.

I gave in then to get something--approval, acceptance, friendship, love, etc. Then I suppose that stuff got linked. In part of my mind giving in is the only way to get any of that stuff.

That guys now link them also, reinforces the feeling. And their insistence on linking the two, holding out promise of the things I want is abuse all over again.

I'm lucky that I now have a therapist that gives me a lot of support for setting my own boundaries and sticking to them, not doing anything that I am not comfortable with.

But, also, I am avoiding those situations where sexual demands are being made on me. I've come to the point of deciding that if that is what relationships are about, I'd rather be alone.

_________________________
Sometimes, things just won't work the way we want them to.

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#72488 - 07/08/04 01:42 PM Re: Question?
Aden Offline
Member

Registered: 07/05/04
Posts: 499
Coyness, guilt, shame and fear. And lust. Hey, we all get horny. There were time when I allowed my self to be abused again because I did not really know what I wanted. When I think back to those occasions I know the behavioral changes I would now make. To one I would say NO! To another I would say, "Not like that." And to another, I'd have called back the next day and suggested another date. In those cases I did none of those things. Hindsight... I wish I had had the freedom to say no, but I also wish I had had the freedom of spirit to say yes.

Aden


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