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#72447 - 06/08/04 05:08 PM unstable mother and abandoned
markgreyblue Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/19/03
Posts: 5400
Loc: Pasadena, CA
my heart is open again and i am thinking about my friend who abandoned me last summer - it was the first time someone had seen me and empathized directly with me and my very unseen world -
my unaparent life -
my mother was unstable and so needy that she did not know that she asked her child son to be her father and pyschologist and husband and boyfriend
and at last the whipping boy son -
my evil granmother commited incest on each of her grapndchildren kissing them on the genitals as infants and then for some reason - each time she would take care of me - i would become very ill -
mom and dad were away - they are complete blanks in my memory - only the truly painful moments
are really there - like a pinching of my testicles for now apparent reason -
or so sick one time that my mother did not recognize me when she came back from her trip.."who are you little boy?"
i burst into tears but then went blank - darkness
-
my father was a sadist - and never really was with my mother - or did he care enough to send her to a psychologist -
he beat us emotional and threw a few chairs and punches -
the psychological stuff was the most effecting -
and his
girlfriends throughout the marriage knew no bounds -
prostitutes and girfriends - whoever would let him - and yet - he came home and raged at us - if we were not the ideal nuclear family - and always it was my mother's "fucking fault" we kids didn't
know how to do things the right way -- his way
morally stylistically ""whatever"" - "his way"
- I was alone mostly - no friends to speak of - and the habitual whipping boy of the family -
but psychologist for those who would never get better - them and my mom - Sa'd by a neighbor at 7 and then molested by my sister's bf in highschool - drunken state he touched and did all these things that he had been wanting to..:-(
Things got bad after the divorce -
I pleaded with my dad to send me away to school
and yet he gave me the charge (the youngest at 14
to "Take care of your mother."
That was pretty much the end of any kind of youth I had - and stopped any real personal growth until this year (now 35).
My life with my mother was horrible - I could do nothing right - and had to bed to her will and pick up the pieces again and again -
until she died when i was 28 ....and yes now I am
ok to say I am glad she is dead -
she would tell me I had kissable lips and all this touching on my butt - and having to help her through her all the time sadness and craziness - brutality - I told her the professions I wanted to try and so I was discouraged each time I suggested - It goes on and on -
I am tired
but I am getting better

I am so blessed with you all having made a place for me here -
MS is saved my life - I am not proof reading this

_________________________
"...do not look outside yourself for the leader."
-wisdom of the hopi elders

"...the sign of a true leader is service..." - anonymous



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#72448 - 06/08/04 05:23 PM Re: unstable mother and abandoned
Mike Church Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 01/23/03
Posts: 3439
Loc: Toronto, Canada
Markgreyblue

You said:

Quote:
I am tired
but I am getting better
I think my brother that that says it all about you now. The post is a horrible littany of what can happen to any of us. We never ever, anyone of us, deserved what was dished out to us. Yet in spite of all the shit we are here and together and that sends a very clear message I think to the world. Abused and everything else. but Beaten NO DAMNED WAY.

You are a very courageous man and you have shared some real pain with us. That is what we are here for. To support you when you put the shit into words and trust us with the reading of it. Just as you do with others. I think that together we, all of us here, can and will make a difference for the future.

MBG cleanse the soul whenever you feel the need. It is cathartic.

_________________________
Mikey

IT REALLY IS OK TO STUMBLE. NONE OF US ARE PERFECT.

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#72449 - 06/08/04 05:26 PM Re: unstable mother and abandoned
markgreyblue Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/19/03
Posts: 5400
Loc: Pasadena, CA
thanks man - i am hurting - but i will ask someone for a hug today - i think you and thank you - just gave me a real good one

_________________________
"...do not look outside yourself for the leader."
-wisdom of the hopi elders

"...the sign of a true leader is service..." - anonymous



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#72450 - 06/08/04 05:47 PM Re: unstable mother and abandoned
crisispoint Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/24/03
Posts: 2154
Loc: Massachusetts
Mark,

You aren't alone, nor will you ever BE alone. That your survived all this, and became the man that you are now, tells me what kind of person you are. You're someone I'm proud to know.

You're the kind of person who will make this world a better place than you found it, and I'm glad.

I'm here if you need me.

Peace and love,

Scot

_________________________
There are reasons I'm taking medication. They're called "other people." - Me, displaying my anti-social tendancies

fromacuriousmind.blogspot.com
malehurtandsurvive.blogspot.com

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#72451 - 06/08/04 05:48 PM Re: unstable mother and abandoned
outis Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/27/03
Posts: 2260
Loc: Maryland USA
MGB,

This is a very courageous baring of your soul. You survived a real Hell to be the great person you are now. Like Mike says they abused you but they could not defeat you. Maybe MGB also stands for "Man Getting Better."

Thanks,

Joe

_________________________
"Telemachos, your guest is no discredit to you. I wasted no time in stringing the bow, and I did not miss the mark. My strength is yet unbroken…"—The Odyssey, translated by W.H.D. Rouse

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#72452 - 06/08/04 06:02 PM Re: unstable mother and abandoned
markgreyblue Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/19/03
Posts: 5400
Loc: Pasadena, CA
thanks joe and scot- i am hurting but part of me really wants to tell you as much as i can of the stuff that went on besides that - really bad crazy stuff that i think at this point would do me
more harm than good -
it will come out though - i ahve to

i took a sip of stuff and am kind of dazed -
but my eyes are open

you are the men i want to be with -
mark

_________________________
"...do not look outside yourself for the leader."
-wisdom of the hopi elders

"...the sign of a true leader is service..." - anonymous



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