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#72368 - 04/26/04 06:51 PM a lifetime of feeling wrong
markgreyblue Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/19/03
Posts: 5400
Loc: Pasadena, CA
for the first time in my life - i am not feeling so wrong - about myself about my talent - about my ability -

truly -

i know i can 'forget myself' very easily -
and think only in terms of the voices of the past -
that i do not deserve anything - just servitude
and the mental beatings for the scapegoat -

i am far away from them now -

and through an organic transition - and the help of my t(s) i am seeing that with my abilities i
CAN do - i CAN survive - and put this into

something i can be proud of - who gives a fuck
what 'they' think -

sorry for the rant - but really wanted to vent -

i don't know if you can relate - i had a violent dad and an unstable and violent mother - and
the sa of a neighbor and a frightening grandmother - they saved all their energy for their image and non for growing their son -

i was - as tallsteve put it - 'the handmaiden'

- i am glad they either dead or gone -

_________________________
"...do not look outside yourself for the leader."
-wisdom of the hopi elders

"...the sign of a true leader is service..." - anonymous



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#72369 - 04/26/04 11:10 PM Re: a lifetime of feeling wrong
Ivanhoe Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/19/03
Posts: 1907
Mark,

You speak volumes for me. It looks like there are similarities with some of us and art or the artistic. My T talks about me developing mine...see, I almost can't say it. "When are you going to do what you want to do?", he asks. I think that he almost has me convinced that there may be a performance or two, of mine, inside, just waiting to come out.
I got some love from my family, but it seemed so conditional...I have to admit that I'm glad that I don't have to contend with all of their stuff any longer.
Thank you for putting into words what I've only be able to think about.

David

_________________________
"No soul is desolate as long as there is a human being for whom it can feel trust and reverence."
George Eliot

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#72370 - 04/27/04 04:28 PM Re: a lifetime of feeling wrong
Brayton Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/21/03
Posts: 696
Loc: Minneapolis
I think that along with the obvious discrimination we experience is also a cultural suppression of what is for many of us a creative spirituality.

This is not to say that all gay men are "creative." I rather think of creativity in this context as an ability to uncover new ways of looking at the spiritual universe, seeing "Truth" and acquire a sort of larger understanding.

That may be about being an artist in the way we usually think of it but it may also be as a sort of life-artist. Aren't we all really engaged in re-creating our lives? And isn't the number one task in the process to heal our spirits? And doesn't that require creativity?

I am sorry. That does sound a little pretentious. From my point of view it is a simple thing really. Just like opening a door unto a sunny day.

Its crazy for me to be writing this when I have just spent the last 24 hours in one of the worst emotional tailspins of my life (its still whipping me around). I think what has happened, as usually happens on the way out of these periods is experiencing a new view of my individual self.

I see myself again as a creatively spiritual person. That "me" does not exist as a response to any person, any other person's needs or desires. Rather, it is yet another opportunity to look through a new window or perhaps to finally lift the shade over a window that is always there.

For myself, I cannot separate my spirituality from my sexual orientation. For me, they together are a way of looking at the universe, of seeing "Truth," of expressing myself.

Sorry, Mark. I think this maybe taking your thread in a different direction that you intended. Its what you and David got me to thinking about.

Brett

_________________________
Sometimes, things just won't work the way we want them to.

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