Marc, I apologize for the apparent flippancy.
I actually do hate it in a way sometimes. I am, grateful for a number of things about it, however.
Most of all, I am grateful that I have not experienced confusion about my orientation because of s'xual abuse and/or because of prejudice.
I am grateful for the perspective it has given me on the world that is not shared with most people. Because of the prejudice I have experienced and witnessed I have developed empathy and compassion that I can apply broadly. I really think that there is a gay spirituality. I experience something that seems that anyway.
And I really enjoy the, I don't know what to call it exactly, the comfortablity I feel in the company of men.
(I actually prefer the company of gay women and straight men. I think it is the s'xual advances even the subtle cruising of gay men that I am not comfortable about--too dangerous, too impossible.)
I know that it was the abuse that screwed me up s'xually so that I have never been able to function well intimately. All my s'xual experiences, including when I did not realize this, were triggers and I always felt disoriented and guilty when I experienced arousal.
I finally shut down in terms of s'xual performance. Haven't been able to do anything for several years, haven't wanted to. Part of it is the medication, I know. I was warned about that side effect but also I think it is a natural outcome of conciously seeing how my s'xual experiences are about reliving the abuse.
Because of that I am comfortable not being s'xual. I am uncomfortable when it is wanted from me, expected or demanded. I am glad that I can blame the medication entirely.
But none of that dysfunction is about being gay. Rather it is entirely about the abuse which has nothing to do with being gay.
(Prejudice is abusive but that's a whole 'nother story which I have written about before.)
I guess I have a desire to be s'xual in a healthy way. But that is more like a dream, not even a fantasy. And it makes me sad because it is frought with a knowledge of its impossibility.
I got what I did not deserve and did not get what I deserved.
Sometimes, things just won't work the way we want them to.