For myself, the only way I could be around women (i.e. in a strip club, adult establishment, etc where sexual things went on) was by having drank a few beers or drinks. I wouldn't let myself "like" guys and claimed up to the day I met Jeff that I wasn't gay and yet all my life, I was more attracted to guys, than I ever thought I was to girls. I was raised in such a home and society that wouldn't allow me to even think about being romantic with another guy and so I often tried to prove I liked girls. The only thing was that involved a lot of alchohol in order for me to even get close to this idea.
It has taken me a while to begin identifying that I am gay because for a long time, I couldn't even say it. Society isn't very nice and accepting either which makes some of this much more difficult. And then I had to struggle with the abuse issues wondering if they were what made me gay or not.
All I know, is that it has taken me some time to get to the point I am today and I am still not totally open about being gay.