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#72217 - 02/02/04 05:06 PM confused
lee75 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/26/04
Posts: 37
Loc: utah
i dont understand why im attracted to women when im drunk. i like guys when im sober and im really not interested in women when sober. i really tried to prove my manhood in highschool and beyond, bedding as many women as is could. i have always liked looking at men and when i masterbated i was thinking of men. what i dont get is when im really drunk im attracted to women. i just dont know what is going on inside my head?
anyone have any guesses or explanatios for this kind of behaviour?
lee

_________________________
Lord, i hope this day is good. im feeling empty and misunderstood. i should be thankful, lord, i know i should, but lord, i hope this day is good. DON WILLIAMS

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#72218 - 02/02/04 08:05 PM Re: confused
Mike Church Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 01/23/03
Posts: 3439
Loc: Toronto, Canada
Lee I dont profess to be a psychiatrist but I do have some thoughts on this.

Maybe when you are drunk, which I used myself as a coping mechanism (been in AA for 27years), it might be that you are raging at your abuse. Inside you are trying to prove to your perps who probably told you they were only doing what you wanted because you got aroused (just like I did) that there is no damned way that you liked it. So you seek to justify it by as you say bedding as many girls as you could in high school and thinking only of girls when drunk.

Just a thought. I hope that you do find the answer. Lee is it possible that you are bi?

Whatever it is Lee just remember always that you are you and that is it. You did not deserve what happened to you and it was never your fault despite what you were told. The perp was totally at fault and the really sick one.

Be gentle with yourself ok

_________________________
Mikey

IT REALLY IS OK TO STUMBLE. NONE OF US ARE PERFECT.

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#72219 - 02/02/04 08:54 PM Re: confused
MrDon Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/08/01
Posts: 957
Loc: Deltona, FL
Lee
For myself, the only way I could be around women (i.e. in a strip club, adult establishment, etc where sexual things went on) was by having drank a few beers or drinks. I wouldn't let myself "like" guys and claimed up to the day I met Jeff that I wasn't gay and yet all my life, I was more attracted to guys, than I ever thought I was to girls. I was raised in such a home and society that wouldn't allow me to even think about being romantic with another guy and so I often tried to prove I liked girls. The only thing was that involved a lot of alchohol in order for me to even get close to this idea.

It has taken me a while to begin identifying that I am gay because for a long time, I couldn't even say it. Society isn't very nice and accepting either which makes some of this much more difficult. And then I had to struggle with the abuse issues wondering if they were what made me gay or not.

All I know, is that it has taken me some time to get to the point I am today and I am still not totally open about being gay.

Don

_________________________
In order to journey to new worlds, we must first be willing to lose site of the shore.

The Mind Body Thoughts Blog
http://mindbodythoughts.blogspot.com/

Check out my relaxing piano music from the heart!
http://www.donshetterly.com

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#72220 - 02/04/04 01:57 PM Re: confused
hdan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/06/03
Posts: 43
Loc: Texas
I understand your feelings, and I understand the torment. Try not to be so hard on yourself as you deal with past abuse and who you are sexually. Your are a good person regardless of how you feel sexually.

I'm married to a woman (my choice in life - I respect each person's choice) but have had similar feelings about guys. This has created a traumatic mental state for me at times.

I concentrate on my personal goals concerning sexual feelings. I celebrate successes and learn from the times that I fall short. I can be my own worst enemy if I beat myself up all the time trying to be that perfect person I think that I should be.

Picture that person that you want to be and set personal goals. If you sometimes don't meet your personal goals, that's ok. You're still a good person. Try again the next day.


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