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#72181 - 01/14/04 01:05 PM re-abused?
Brayton Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/21/03
Posts: 696
Loc: Minneapolis
Do the almost daily anti-gay things we see reported in the media or even the bigoted comments from people we encounter in our daily activities, re-abuse us?

Do these things (everything from epithets to political positions) work against our recovery?

How do we deal with them?

I know some gay guys seem (even claim) to be unaffected by them. I, for one, feel them as personal attacks.

What do you think/feel?

_________________________
Sometimes, things just won't work the way we want them to.

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#72182 - 01/14/04 02:44 PM Re: re-abused?
abcd Offline
Member

Registered: 10/20/00
Posts: 189
Loc: GA
I agree, and lots of times it puts us in the defensive. However, I guess we can look on the bright side...these are the growing pains of a society FINALLY coming to grips with it. It's still better now than it was before (in terms of rights), and it WILL get better (so long as we keep living our lives).


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#72183 - 01/14/04 04:00 PM Re: re-abused?
Mike Church Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 01/23/03
Posts: 3439
Loc: Toronto, Canada
Brayton no matter what anyone says just be the best you can and if they cannot handle it it is their problem. Society can be cruel. Look how long it is taking them to acknowledge sexual abuse of men. Just be prooud of who you are and that is enough. ;\)

_________________________
Mikey

IT REALLY IS OK TO STUMBLE. NONE OF US ARE PERFECT.

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#72184 - 01/15/04 12:07 PM Re: re-abused?
Brayton Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/21/03
Posts: 696
Loc: Minneapolis
Is it safe to be proud? Isn't this still something that has to be largely covert? And, if it is, is it really pride? (Certainly not in the same terms that straight people feel pride in their sexuality.)

While society catches up, aren't we being re-traumatized by its bias? What concrete steps do we take to deal with that?

_________________________
Sometimes, things just won't work the way we want them to.

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#72185 - 01/15/04 05:27 PM Re: re-abused?
Dale English Offline
Newsletter Founder/Producer
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 06/08/03
Posts: 448
Loc: PA
Hey Brayton,

You ask some really good questions! Is it safe to be proud? Proud for being a gay man? Well, inherently no. Before coming out, in my hetero days, I never thought about pride in my sexuality. Straight people generally feel pride in what they do, their accomplishments, not in who they are, They don't have to. Acceptance is the norm. Unless you're a straight person of color and then wanting/needing to show pride in one's color or national origin is even more important. When I first came out at work, to people I thought would be accepting and affirming, I was very apprehensive. Does that experience re-traumatize? Well, it re-challenges
but I have the power of my adult self to handle this challenge. As a child being molested, I had no power.

Is this still pride, you ask, if I have to be proud covertly? Well, I guess at first I'm "out & proud" selectively and then I beam in all the natural wonder that I am as an individual human being who just happens express his sexuality with people of his own gender. The straight people I've done this with have learned from my example not to judge and to get to know sexual minorities as human beings.

So I guess being out to as many straight people as I can safely and to have a support network of gay men and women who are proud of who and what they are because they are intrinsically good people who anyone would want as friends would be a big step in diminishing the effects of the hatred and ignorance of people who "hate" us for how we "love"!

You're a good man Brayton. Keep thinking out loud!!

Taz


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#72186 - 01/16/04 10:26 AM Re: re-abused?
MrDon Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/08/01
Posts: 957
Loc: Deltona, FL
These things do hurt me as a person because I am still coming to terms with all of this. It isn't an easy thing to deal with for myself and quite frankly, it makes me angry when I hear people shout their ignorance. I have actually started to search out activites, people who are also gay just so I don't feel all alone out there.

I am selective though who I share things with to some degree. For a long time I always referred to the "roomate" thing but now I just say Jeff and leave it at that. If someone wants to know, they can ask but I am trying to get myself to treat my relationship just as anyone else in the world would do.

But it is difficult and some days I wonder why these straight people are so worried. It is not like we can go turn people into gay people...

Don

_________________________
In order to journey to new worlds, we must first be willing to lose site of the shore.

The Mind Body Thoughts Blog
http://mindbodythoughts.blogspot.com/

Check out my relaxing piano music from the heart!
http://www.donshetterly.com

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#72187 - 01/16/04 11:03 AM Re: re-abused?
Mike Church Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 01/23/03
Posts: 3439
Loc: Toronto, Canada
Don I would like to add that virtually all gay men I have met could teach a lot of the virtues of being tolerant, kind, generous and caring to so called straight men.

I have always felt that someone who is so vehementally anti gay has something to hide about himself. Maybe they are confused about their own sexuality or their fantasies.

My friends who are gay are my friends because I can relate to them, enjoy their company and trust in their judgement. It has nothing to do with their sexual orientation.

I hope this helps are my gay brothers here.

_________________________
Mikey

IT REALLY IS OK TO STUMBLE. NONE OF US ARE PERFECT.

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#72188 - 01/16/04 11:27 AM Re: re-abused?
Brayton Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/21/03
Posts: 696
Loc: Minneapolis
Is being out and proud a political stance then, something we do to compensate for the discrimination we are aware of?

It is interesting that it seems like the support network that Taz describes is the sort of thing that Don has begun to create for himself.

I agree that that can make a huge difference.

It is hard for me to think about why that never quite happened for me. Things like shyness and shame had a lot to do with. What prevents me now? I am aware that I am kind of wary of gay men. Is that a result of the csa (even though I don't know whether or not they were gay)?

I want to admit that I have some feelings of anger, resentment maybe, certainly envy when I hear things like what you wrote Taz. Do any of you respond to really good de>
_________________________
Sometimes, things just won't work the way we want them to.

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#72189 - 01/16/04 09:56 PM Re: re-abused?
MrDon Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/08/01
Posts: 957
Loc: Deltona, FL
Mikey,
I think that is one thing that I notice about myself is that I don't necessarily have to hide behind what society expects me to be. I can be myself and that is a much more freeing experience - compared to trying to live as a straight person in a straight world.


Brayton,
It is so difficult for me to have any answers on how I deal with this. It is unchartered water and I am hoping that getting to know others like myself, I will begin to accept my being gay in a much more personal way. It is much easier for me to be anonymous and gay than to let people I deal with on a daily basis know that I am gay.

Don

_________________________
In order to journey to new worlds, we must first be willing to lose site of the shore.

The Mind Body Thoughts Blog
http://mindbodythoughts.blogspot.com/

Check out my relaxing piano music from the heart!
http://www.donshetterly.com

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#72190 - 01/21/04 09:37 AM Re: re-abused?
markgreyblue Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/19/03
Posts: 5400
Loc: Pasadena, CA
for the first time in a while i went into a
more straight than gay restaurant - in fact i think it was all straight except for me -

it was pretty unnerving -
definitely felt like i was in danger with that crowd -

but for the most part - i agree with all of the above - i try not to cave to pressures from the
weird perhaps ill people who have to
be agressive towards gays - a threat to their sexual self esteem?
*who knows - don't care - leave me alone*
- just
let me date my guy:-)
ps- there are some wonderful book reviews on
lambdalit.org
it's a really good literary foundation devoted to
writers, readers glliterature-
all kinds of lit.

_________________________
"...do not look outside yourself for the leader."
-wisdom of the hopi elders

"...the sign of a true leader is service..." - anonymous



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