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#72158 - 01/01/04 06:12 PM Sometimes pretending sucks!
MrDon Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/08/01
Posts: 957
Loc: Deltona, FL
Sometimes in this freaking homophobe world, it sucks to be different! I'm tired of having to worry about being gay, being different than most and having no "community" of support around me. Every time I look for gay type groups in this area through the internet, my screen is filled with sex and only sex. Don't know why gay sometimes seem to be associated with sex and sex only.

Jeff and I do have each other but there just isn't a lot that we can go do and be ourselves around others.. or at least I haven't found it yet. We did go to a gay coffee shop that was showing a video the other night and we were the only ones watching it... how sad.. if a place doesn't sell sex, no one goes.

And then I meet up with someone from the massage association and he is a nice person but automatically assumes that I am looking for a woman... and it pisses me off, and it hurts because although I can't bring myself to say anything to him, I walk away saying "i don't want anyone else but Jeff... jeff is my partner..." and yet the world can't hear those cries...

Just kind of sucks... and sometimes makes it very hard for me to accept what I know I really am...

Just thankful I've got Jeff... and we have the love for each other we do... because some days it ain't easy living in the straight world.

Don

_________________________
In order to journey to new worlds, we must first be willing to lose site of the shore.

The Mind Body Thoughts Blog
http://mindbodythoughts.blogspot.com/

Check out my relaxing piano music from the heart!
http://www.donshetterly.com

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#72159 - 01/01/04 09:10 PM Re: Sometimes pretending sucks!
Dale English Offline
Newsletter Founder/Producer
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 06/08/03
Posts: 448
Loc: PA
Hey Don,

We were talking about "gay=sex all the time" issue on another thread too. It's really difficult especially for us for might like a more balanced life than what may seem like the norm out there in the "community". I know for myself it has been really challenging moving out again after losing my partner. I compare myself to the "A" gays and don't feel like I fit that scene at all. And what would a non-survivor want with a survivor? My closest friends think I'm a really nice guy but they're almost all survivors.
It's pretty easy to get down on ourselves.

Sometimes I think that throwing sex, sex, sex out there in everyone's face is what some of us do to force the straight world to deal with us. Maybe it comes from the same sense of frustration that we feel hassling whether to come out to each and every person we come into contact with, ie, to be who we are...in their face! Sooner or later we come to the point of not caring who we piss off because it's their problem...except when we get discriminated against then it's also our problem.

You're right. Sometimes it just sucks living in a straight world!

Taz


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#72160 - 01/02/04 10:01 PM Re: Sometimes pretending sucks!
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
Quote:
Sometimes I think that throwing sex, sex, sex out there in everyone's face is what some of us do to force the straight world to deal with us.
Or did the straight world drag that aspect up just to create a bogeyman ?

Dave

_________________________
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

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#72161 - 01/04/04 07:28 PM Re: Sometimes pretending sucks!
MrDon Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/08/01
Posts: 957
Loc: Deltona, FL
Taz,
If I was straight, I don't think I would be only thinking of sex either... I agree with you, don't know why that has to be all lumped together. It is almost like guys are still hung up on the fact that if you touch someone, it is sexual and there can be plenty of touch without sex that is so satisfying.

Loydy,
Not sure if it is a boogyman or not,, Seems to be some in the gay community that bring it upon the gay community, or so it seems like to me..

maybe I'm just different

Don

_________________________
In order to journey to new worlds, we must first be willing to lose site of the shore.

The Mind Body Thoughts Blog
http://mindbodythoughts.blogspot.com/

Check out my relaxing piano music from the heart!
http://www.donshetterly.com

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#72162 - 01/05/04 01:24 PM Re: Sometimes pretending sucks!
dwf Offline
Moderator/BoD Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/24/03
Posts: 1223
Loc: Austin, Texas USA
I agree with you, Don.

Pretending does really suck. I have done it for a long, long time.

I think that the hiding and secrecy surrounding the sexual abuse was my 'graduate program' in pretending. It got to be such a habit that I find it hard to break even today.

I feel as though I am finally 'out', since leaving the homophobic religious community that
I belonged to for so many years.

There is a gay bowling league here in Austin...I joined it and bowled for a couple of seasons. It was quite liberating to be out in public with a bunch of my 'community', even though I'm not that good of a bowler!

I know a lot of my gay men buddies find much comfort in the churches they attend which are all very gay welcoming.

That doesn't work for me since I'm not a Christian, but it does give me another look at what other gay men do....

In my group I noticed that the guys seem to run into each other a lot.....and it was either at church or at some charity event!!!

That little 'aha' gave me a different perspective on how gay men can and do live....it's just not as splashy and in your face as being a drag queen or sex addict.....

Let's face it, the world is a fucked up place...finding a spot where we can get together, create some love and light; then share it with those who care for such things; that's the real life. The rest is really just pretending.

They're the ones pretending, Don, not you and Jeff.

Thanks,

_________________________
"Poke salad Annie, 'gators got you granny
Everybody said it was a shame
'Cause her mama was aworkin' on the chain-gang"

-Tony Joe White

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#72163 - 01/05/04 11:07 PM Re: Sometimes pretending sucks!
Mike Church Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 01/23/03
Posts: 3439
Loc: Toronto, Canada
Quote:
Let's face it, the world is a fucked up place...finding a spot where we can get together, create some love and light; then share it with those who care for such things; that's the real life. The rest is really just pretending.
God is that not the truth. It is the same on the other side guys. I am sick to death of pretending that sex is the only thing that matters. Guys just dont understand that my wife Nicole is also my best friend and who I share my life experiences with.

I do know that I have my brothers here both gay and straight and I know I can share life's experiences here without condemnation.

Thank you guys for that.

_________________________
Mikey

IT REALLY IS OK TO STUMBLE. NONE OF US ARE PERFECT.

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#72164 - 01/05/04 11:20 PM Re: Sometimes pretending sucks!
MrDon Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/08/01
Posts: 957
Loc: Deltona, FL
I grew up with a father that seemed to regard my mom as an object for sex and to fulfill his emotional needs but I just wonder in all the years they were together if he got to know the real her. Of course if the thing they put together at her funeral was any indication, I doubt he did. Of course I saw him abuse the hell out of her as well.

It does anger me when any type of relationship is limited only to sex... there is so much more and I hate it when this is forced up on me.

Ok, I'm ranting... but it really gets to me.

One thing I have started to do is try to foster a couple of gay relationships that we do have. It would be kewl to find a bowling group or something like that.... I will keep searching.

Don

_________________________
In order to journey to new worlds, we must first be willing to lose site of the shore.

The Mind Body Thoughts Blog
http://mindbodythoughts.blogspot.com/

Check out my relaxing piano music from the heart!
http://www.donshetterly.com

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#72165 - 01/06/04 11:28 AM Re: Sometimes pretending sucks!
Brayton Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/21/03
Posts: 696
Loc: Minneapolis
I feel on the outside all right, outside of all groups.

I was unable to engage in any physical intimacy until I was 31. As you can imagine, I yearned for it, at least theoretically, when I was a teen and in my 20s. After several attempts, I avoided contact.

I have felt the pressure to be more sexual but I think I would feel that even as a straight man.

The intimacy I experienced after 31 years wasn't mutual in a conventional way. I had to be mostly passive (receptive) in order for it to "work." I denied it to myself but I felt whorish whenever I engaged in it. Awareness of that feeling increased over time particularly since I started abuse recovery therapy several years ago.

I have always felt repulsed by physical touch, even the simplest most ordinary touch, that I don't instigate myself. Now I usually feel nauseated to varying degrees when touched, the worst when my partner reaches for my genitals.
Sometimes even thinking about makes me sick.

This is difficult for me to write about. It is difficult to see the light at the end of this particular tunnel.

Am I really gay if I am incapable of being sexual? Aren't I really nothing at all in those terms, a sort of eunuch?

_________________________
Sometimes, things just won't work the way we want them to.

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#72166 - 01/06/04 10:12 PM Re: Sometimes pretending sucks!
The Dean Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 07/15/02
Posts: 2080
Loc: Milwaukee, WI
It hurts me to see how badly you hurt. I am confident that you will eventually see the difference in yo9ur life between sex as just a physical act; and the beauty of two people who love each other and delight in each other.

It would be foolish to tell you not feel some particular way. You feel what you feel. My experience of you is that you are a really fine man that I would enjoy as a friend and that I teasure as a fellow survivor.

Is there any good gay or male support clubs around you?

There is a book that I really like. It is about raising sons, but I get alot out of it as a man. Your library will most likely have it---A Fine Son, by Michael Gurian. I think you might find that you are a much more healthy and loveable male than you might think.

Peace friend.

Bob

My thoughts and prayers are with you.

_________________________
If we do not live what we believe, then we will begin to believe what we live.

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#72167 - 01/07/04 12:57 AM Re: Sometimes pretending sucks!
MrDon Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/08/01
Posts: 957
Loc: Deltona, FL
Brayton,
I'm now 39 and didn't become sexually intimate with someone (my partner now) until a little over 4 years ago when we met. Until that time, the only sexual encounters I had were anonymous people on the internet or in porn places, etc. So like you at 31 I was also wondering those very same things and to this day I haven't totally figured out what changed or when it changed. Many of the things you are saying was exactly what I was saying until I met Jeff.

Touch is also extremely difficult for me and at times during intimate moments, my body withdraws. By being in massage and learning how to do professional massage, I hae learned so much and began to really like touch. I wasn't that way about a year ago and still struggle with it. Massage does wonders for getting over these fears although it can be rough at the start. And I'm talking from experience here in a very big way. It is probably part of what helped me move towards an intimate relationship.

I'm glad you shared what you did... helps me a lot!

Don

_________________________
In order to journey to new worlds, we must first be willing to lose site of the shore.

The Mind Body Thoughts Blog
http://mindbodythoughts.blogspot.com/

Check out my relaxing piano music from the heart!
http://www.donshetterly.com

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