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#72099 - 11/21/03 10:42 PM Figthting the urge to act out.
blueelectron9 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/07/02
Posts: 387
Loc: Victoria, BC Canada
Survivors,

I'm fighting the urge to act out sexually to make myself feel better through all the crap that's going on.

My partner isn't/hasn't been there for me sexually and I'm scared of losing the relationshiip because of my acting out.

Is there anyone whos gay that has a monogomous relationship? Is that word monogomous even symonymous with gays? Are all we're good for is a fuck?

I really need some help, brothers.

Peace,
Scotty

_________________________
An odd duck who likes even numbers.

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#72100 - 11/21/03 10:57 PM Re: Figthting the urge to act out.
brian-z Offline
Member

Registered: 07/11/02
Posts: 770
Loc: Western USA
there is nothing I an say that will help I'm sure but I'm going to throw my 2 cents in any way. Saying that gay relationships can't be monogomous is a cop-out. If you want your relationship to work, don't cheat.

If it's a real need to act out or just you needed sexual gradication, either way, that is why you need to go to your partner. You need to have a very frank talk with him about sex.


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#72101 - 11/21/03 11:10 PM Re: Figthting the urge to act out.
MrDon Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/08/01
Posts: 957
Loc: Deltona, FL
Scotty,
Before I met Jeff, I struggled for a long time in acting out in many ways. Fortunately a few months before we met, I had turned the tide and got ahead of the acting out. Since I met Jeff, we have only been with each other. I actually never thought I could stay sexually attracted to someone this long. It surprised me because it is like there is so much we haven't done together and so much we still have to discover in our relationship.

I know we go through times when the sex isn't as frequent and a lot of that is due to stress or other things taking place. But then we go through times, that well sex is very very frequent.

Hang in there....

Don

_________________________
In order to journey to new worlds, we must first be willing to lose site of the shore.

The Mind Body Thoughts Blog
http://mindbodythoughts.blogspot.com/

Check out my relaxing piano music from the heart!
http://www.donshetterly.com

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#72102 - 11/21/03 11:55 PM Re: Figthting the urge to act out.
Dale English Offline
Newsletter Founder/Producer
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 06/08/03
Posts: 448
Loc: PA
Hey Scott,

I'm so sorry that you have so much going on right now and it's real intense. It's also pretty clear that sex isn't what you really need. Try checking in with everybody and asking them. Then ask your partner if he can meet any of those needs! Just a thought. We're here with you Scott.

Taz


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#72103 - 11/23/03 05:47 PM Re: Figthting the urge to act out.
Bill_1965 Offline
Chat Mod Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/29/03
Posts: 1983
Loc: Flint, Michigan
Hi Scotty,

Acting out doesn't make you feel better, just worse overall. It just fills the "need" at the moment. Acting out is cheating on your significant other.

Monogomy is a choice for all persons, regardless of sexual oreintation. Being gay doesn't preclude anyone from monogomy. I find it hard to consider a relationship to be serious it monogomy isn't considered. There are exceptions to this when they are discussed between both the partners and agreed upon, but still leaves some doubt to the seriousness of the relationship.

If your partner is not forfilling your sexual needs or wants, you need to talk to him. Have a serious discussion. Sometimes what you "want" isn't what you need. There is the possibility with you feelings of wanting to act out that what you want isn't what you need and your partner sees that. But you two need to talk.

And to your last question. We are good for a lot of things. Being just a dispository for some guys ejaculate isn't even close. You are a person. You are a friend. You are a partner. You are a helper of others. You are a thoughtful person. You are so much more than what you are feeling at this time. I hope that you will be able to see that soon.

Take care of yourself and try to do something that will take away from the urge to act out. I know that is hard to do when you are at a low, and the circumstances that you are currently in seem to have a lot to do with it.

And once again, talk to your partner about this,
Bill

_________________________
Pain is Temporary; Quitting lasts Forever. - Lance Armstrong

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#72104 - 11/23/03 05:56 PM Re: Figthting the urge to act out.
ScottyTodd Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 02/12/03
Posts: 1561
Loc: Pennsylvania
Guys - I found that if you don't talk your feelings out, you'll act them out. Is there someone you can talk about your feelings rather than cover them with drugs, alcohol, sex, donuts.........?

Howard

_________________________
If you think you can or you can't - you're right!.......anon
It's never too late to have a happy childhood!.....anon
You're very normal for the abnormal situation you've been through..............S. Todd

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#72105 - 11/23/03 08:59 PM Re: Figthting the urge to act out.
blueelectron9 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/07/02
Posts: 387
Loc: Victoria, BC Canada
Taz et al.,

Sex is not what I really want right now. It is just the mask to cover all the intense emotions that are starting to creep in. I accept that.

I also accept that I'm having a very difficult time in my life right now and not really sure what strenghts I have to overcome some deep issues.

One thing my partner says is that it's easier if we work together as a team, rather than me fighting against him. I'll have to come out of myself and trust him--I have to trust someone or I'll go flippin' nuts. My dog just isn't cutting it for me anymore :p

The urge has passed; I'm still numb and angry. I am trying to journal and draw more to get it out, and it helps.

Thanks for all of your kind support. I'm trying so hard to not fuck this up.

Best,
Scotty

_________________________
An odd duck who likes even numbers.

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#72106 - 11/23/03 10:14 PM Re: Figthting the urge to act out.
crisispoint Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/24/03
Posts: 2154
Loc: Massachusetts
Scotty,

I'm glad you're staying strong and trying to work it through.

There are many gay couples (soon to be married here in Mass. YAY!) who are committed to each other, love each other, and stay monogamous to each other. It's the same in any relationship. If you love each other, you have to be true to that. It's hard, but it can be done, especially if you do love each other.

You are a special man, Scotty. Far more worthy than "just a fuck." I feel that.

Peace and love, bro. I care about you.

\:D Scot

_________________________
There are reasons I'm taking medication. They're called "other people." - Me, displaying my anti-social tendancies

fromacuriousmind.blogspot.com
malehurtandsurvive.blogspot.com

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#72107 - 11/24/03 09:19 AM Re: Figthting the urge to act out.
Mike Church Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 01/23/03
Posts: 3439
Loc: Toronto, Canada
Scotty I too had a tremendous urge to act out for most of my life. And I am married. What I found over the past 2-3 years is that when I do get that feeling I write about it in detail when it occurs and then I read it back to myself and then write down everything I am putting at risk, my wife, daughter, marriage and the begininngs of my self respect. And I read that back to myself.

That is the only way I can do it that works. Believe me when I say that because I sure as hell tried other things that never worked.

_________________________
Mikey

IT REALLY IS OK TO STUMBLE. NONE OF US ARE PERFECT.

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#72108 - 11/26/03 09:55 AM Re: Figthting the urge to act out.
abcd Offline
Member

Registered: 10/20/00
Posts: 189
Loc: GA
Hey Scotty,

Really quick...just a comment about your monogamous question... Yeah, it's entirely possible to be gay and monogamous. My partner and I are--and we're both relatively young (We even party and stuff, but we also love each other too much, believe certain things about relationships, and all that). Certainly, we're not alone, and I know a couple friends who are looking for monogamous relationships.

Still, I understand the frustration of not having a more sexual partner, but I'd be careful to get yourself into a trap of fulfilling your desires else where. Realize that we all go through that gay or straight. It's part of being in a relationship--sometimes he feels more sexual probably and sometimes you do. The problems really come in though when one decides to go his own way or both allow each other to go their own ways.

My brother, for instance, opened his relationship, and just recently, his relationship of 10 years or so fell apart (and my family and I were really close to his partner and my brother was really close to his family). As my brother recently confided, this type of stuff is what is getting him in serious trouble.

They are both depressed now, though techinically seeing different people. Sometimes it seems that the grass looks greener on the other side, but it's just because you're not looking close enough. I agree with the sentiments on this board. See if you can work on your own grass more, and just see how beautiful it can be (man, I hope that analogy makes sense).

If you do care for your partner, talk things out and see what else you guys want to do...maybe go for a trip, whatever. I think that sometimes all it takes is a little talking and understanding to rekindle some sexual energy. It might sound crazy, but if you're relationship goes to real deep level with each other, the sexual energy may seem to almost always be there. Aight...that's my two cents. Later.


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#72109 - 11/26/03 12:27 PM Re: Figthting the urge to act out.
MrDon Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/08/01
Posts: 957
Loc: Deltona, FL
abcd,
Thanks... nice to know there are others out there too. We have too much respect for each other to do this. When I met my partner, it wasn't for the sex (although nothing wrong with the sex), but we saw each other as humans, people, and someone that we wanted to know more. Just the other day, we were talking and I said I just enjoy being with my partner and doing things with him. I don't want to go out and party with the people at work, because I want to be with him instead. And that's after 4 years!

For us, it just keeps getting better and better.

Don

_________________________
In order to journey to new worlds, we must first be willing to lose site of the shore.

The Mind Body Thoughts Blog
http://mindbodythoughts.blogspot.com/

Check out my relaxing piano music from the heart!
http://www.donshetterly.com

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