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#72093 - 11/20/03 05:12 PM is there any hope? anyone please help
broken1 Offline
Member

Registered: 11/20/03
Posts: 36
Loc: tx
I am trying so hard to figure this out. I was taught about sex by a 19yr old when i was 9 or 10. Parents were divorced and dad chased money with lots of overtime. So I was alone perty much, and that is why even though it hurt like hell, I kept doing it with him. the problem is that after finding out it was a sin and wrong, I could not change my mind about it! I wanted guys! about a year after mike i was propositioned by w.t. who was a year yournger than me. that afair lasted until i turned 16. It was then that i knew that i was in deep trouble couse i was only attracted to boys in the range of 10 to 17 or 18. That desired range has never changed. I have spent my whole life away from others, doing jobs that require a lot of traval and never letting anyone get to close. I can not make another child go through what i am. and finding a woman or a man that is the least bit desirable to me is impossible. so what do i do ????????????????????????????? Paul said that it is better to marry than to lust. so am i to marry a kid? (ha i don't think so ) so where doe's that leave me? I am so lonely now and dream of being held and so tired of being alone. I know it is written where god has brought men out of homosexuality but what about this shit@! I did not ask for it, yet i have prayed nightly for god to remave it for 20years and it wont go away, where is god? and why do i desire something so bad that i hate so much? I realy need help cause the guns on the wall are really starting to make sence. don't you see everyone can find someone except anyone like me, I can't cop out and get a man and say well i am just a gay christian. what do i do? God I hope those gays that call themselves christians are wrong cause if they aint then that would mean it would be ok for me to marrie a kid, and as much as i desire that gentle touch that only a young boy could brieng, I know i could never do it. So what kind of future would anyone like me have except one of isolation and despaire. if you guys can help me i will give what i can when i can, i am just so tired oif fighting, I hate this world and everything in it. May god forgive me dennis


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#72094 - 11/22/03 12:14 AM Re: is there any hope? anyone please help
The Dean Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 07/15/02
Posts: 2080
Loc: Milwaukee, WI
Dennis, I trust that the guys here will see that you are working hard to deal with your needs in a healthy way.

Take care.

Bob

_________________________
If we do not live what we believe, then we will begin to believe what we live.

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#72095 - 11/22/03 05:10 PM Re: is there any hope? anyone please help
crisispoint Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/24/03
Posts: 2154
Loc: Massachusetts
Dennis,

All I can say to you, bro, is I understand what you feel. I don't really agree with the self-loathing, but I have felt it for myself too, and I hope you learn to love yourself soon.

That is not your fault, by the way. Your abuser took some stuff away from you and probably made you feel like you didn't matter. Mine did. I hated myself, subconciously, for a long time. He took away my normal development, and now at 36-37 (I change at the end of the month), I'm struggling with sexuality issues I should've put to bed years ago.

No matter what, my brother, we love you here. No strings.

I wish you peace, and I'll be praying for you regardless of what you decide about yourself.

Peace and love, Dennis. I care.

Scot

_________________________
There are reasons I'm taking medication. They're called "other people." - Me, displaying my anti-social tendancies

fromacuriousmind.blogspot.com
malehurtandsurvive.blogspot.com

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#72096 - 11/22/03 05:13 PM Re: is there any hope? anyone please help
crisispoint Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/24/03
Posts: 2154
Loc: Massachusetts
P.S. I also see that you don't want to hurt others the way you were hurt, Dennis. That's healthy. I will not judge you in what you feel. It's how you deal with it that's important. And I think you'll be okay.

Peace again,

Scot

_________________________
There are reasons I'm taking medication. They're called "other people." - Me, displaying my anti-social tendancies

fromacuriousmind.blogspot.com
malehurtandsurvive.blogspot.com

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#72097 - 11/22/03 06:20 PM Re: is there any hope? anyone please help
Thomas Offline
Member

Registered: 07/31/03
Posts: 109
Loc: boise
Dennis,

You're among brothers here. Although I don't necessarily have any answers for you, I can offer unconditional love and acceptance. No strings attached. Those who betrayed your trust and used you dumped their self-hatred and shame on you. There was no reason to hate yourself and feel shame then, and there is certainly is no reason now. I will pray that God shows you what He wants.

Peace,

Tom

_________________________
To know what you prefer instead of humbly saying Amen to what the world tells you you ought to prefer, is to have kept your soul alive. - Robert Louis Stevenson

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