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#72035 - 11/10/03 04:15 PM Re: Going nucking futs
crisispoint Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/24/03
Posts: 2154
Loc: Massachusetts
You know what really sucks out of this whole damn thing? That we all got robbed of the chance to know what affection should be. Or can be.

I mean, even when we experience it for real, it's been clouded by what our perps did to us. I get so angry about that sometimes.

Would I want to respond to genuine affection? Do I want to just be held? Or will I always be afraid because of what the @$$hole did to me?

I don't know, gents. I honestly don't. I try to be more positive these days, but then another piece of my past comes up and hits me in the face. I cannot keep shrugging it off. It mattered. It hurt. And someone ruined my ability to give and receive physical affection for his own sick pleasure.

I've said it before. What I wouldn't give for someone to just hold me. Hold me. That's it.

I will feel worthy of that again, but I honestly don't know when. And that botheres me.

Thanks for the vent time.

Scot

_________________________
There are reasons I'm taking medication. They're called "other people." - Me, displaying my anti-social tendancies

fromacuriousmind.blogspot.com
malehurtandsurvive.blogspot.com

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#72036 - 11/11/03 02:47 AM Re: Going nucking futs
Justin113 Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 10/30/03
Posts: 28
Loc: Minneapolis, MN
Scot-

I'm giving you a great big fucking http formatted
hug right now. If the past still scars current affection, remember that scars take time love and patience to heal. For all of us. Give yourself all three and be open to recieving good things from others as well.


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#72037 - 11/11/03 03:26 PM Re: Going nucking futs
Brayton Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/21/03
Posts: 696
Loc: Minneapolis
Quote:
Originally posted by Justin113:
I have to make friends. I really need to talk to someone. I want to sit next to somebody and talk until I have nothing left to say.
I went to an out of state family funeral on Friday. Before I left, I left a copy of the ten facts about male sexual abuse from this website for my partner to read. It is very difficult to bring these things up and talk to him about it even though we have been together for 18 years and talk a great deal about all sorts of other things. Leaving the copy was the only way I could think of to communicate the information and it took me a long time to think of that.

I have just begun to become conciously aware of the symptoms of the abuse I experienced. As I have become more and more aware, I have tried to express some of it to people around me. I am more open with people that I am certain care for me and are sensitive to the topic. With others I am more guarded, talk about it more generally, feel them out.

When I got back, I asked him if he had read what I left for him and what he thought of it.

He said he had seen me during dissasociative episodes. He didn't have a word for it before that. He just thought I was being "crazy."

What I am saying is that "craziness" is a perception and a perception is something that can change. And I am saying that it can be as difficult to talk to someone you have known for years as it is to talk to a stranger.

I have come to think that it is important to start the conversation as part of a healing process as soon as possible but I also think that it is important to control that transition, take it at a pace that is comfortable and to not force it.

If I had started the process when I was 20 I would be a different person today but I guess I had to experience a bunch of painful things over a period of years before I was ready.

Justin, you are a living survivor. We all are. As difficult and painful as the path of recovery can be I believe it is all downhill once the abuse is over and has been acknowledged. What can be worse than the abuse was? Justin, you are here. You have began talking.

Brett

_________________________
Sometimes, things just won't work the way we want them to.

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#72038 - 11/12/03 07:34 AM Re: Going nucking futs
Justin113 Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 10/30/03
Posts: 28
Loc: Minneapolis, MN
Jeff and Brett,

In the past few weeks and even months my life has dramatically changed for the better. I went from being completely depressed and in a world of agony to being someone capable of living a life full of joy. Now that I've made this transition, I wish to help those who are pursuring the same path. Cause it's far from easy. Life sometimes hurts more then seems possible. But it DOES get better. Things like trust, security and love are things we build through time and effort and dedication. The first step is to take action and decide it's what you must do. The next step is to say to hell with your fears- you're bigger then your fears. Then you can begin to heal and enjoy life. For me, the healing process has been amazingly rapid once it started. It seemed to snowball, getting larger and larger faster and faster. And it feels amazing good. Take those first steps, guys. Becuase they will lead you to where you want to be. And you're gonna get there.

-Take care guys,
Justin


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#72039 - 11/12/03 11:34 AM Re: Going nucking futs
Brayton Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/21/03
Posts: 696
Loc: Minneapolis
Justin,

This is why I love that guys of all ages post on this site. In the echoing chamber of my mind, we have all but forgotten the clear ring of a young optimistic voice.

When my selves gather, they are usually so busy bickering and screaming about how awful things are that they practically swallow up entirely the still small voice of hope.

I have reached a sort of accomodation over the years.

First, I have gradually opened myself to enjoying life thoroughly. I have a loving and supportive partner, family and friends. I do work that helps homeless and otherwise at risk kids and I pursue self expression through art with a driven passion. I teach. I work with others cooperatively towards common goals. I touch people's lives and change the world for the better every day of my life.

Second, I have not accepted but recognize the persistence of depression, emotional pain, horrifying memories in myself as well as the persistence of emotional neglectfulness and the abusiveness of those who have the responsibility to care for chldren. I recognize the persistence of violence, war, torture, mass starvation, disease and genocide in the world. I recongize the persistence of racism, hatred (both disguised and plain) and, for want of a better word, evil in the world.

Despite the attentive care of 2 therapists, a psychiatrist, a medical doctor and a whole intricate system of physical and mental health care, I am on an almost constant personal suicide watch.

Despite a virtual revolution in medication treatments, I still experience depression and hopelessness. Despite having a gifted mind, years of reading and study, an understanding of a number of complex belief systems (and religions or philosophies) I am often confused, lost on the path of recovery and Truth.

But, worst of all is the very private and inescapable loneliness which I have experienced from the very beginning. Over and over and over again it has seemed that that might be overcome but that hope each time turns out to be misguided.

Each self-made wall I tear down only finally reveals the original wall, the me-ness which I cannot escape.

Brett.

_________________________
Sometimes, things just won't work the way we want them to.

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#72040 - 11/12/03 09:04 PM Re: Going nucking futs
Mike Church Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 01/23/03
Posts: 3439
Loc: Toronto, Canada
Brett
Quote:
But, worst of all is the very private and inescapable loneliness which I have experienced from the very beginning. Over and over and over again it has seemed that that might be overcome but that hope each time turns out to be misguided.

Each self-made wall I tear down only finally reveals the original wall, the me-ness which I cannot escape.
I have done that too but I found out something about that me-ness. It was not me. It was the product of my abuse. The me-ness was hidden inside of myself and terrified to come out. That final wall was nothing more that the real me not being able to see the lie that had been perpetrated on me by my perps. It was my fault and therefore I am damaged goods. Well I sake Fxxk that. It is they who were the damaged goods and I merely hid from them. The problem was I also hid from myself.

I still find myself on occasion slipping into the trap of the false me but now I recognize it for what it is. A means to keep me quiet and to have a whole lot of self loathing.

_________________________
Mikey

IT REALLY IS OK TO STUMBLE. NONE OF US ARE PERFECT.

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#72041 - 11/13/03 11:41 AM Re: Going nucking futs
Brayton Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/21/03
Posts: 696
Loc: Minneapolis
Mikey,

Thanks for the insight. It really helps and gives me a lot to think about for a while. This is the kind of support that I am desperate for and does a lot to help me feel less alone.

As I thought more about that wall metaphor, it did occur to me that a long buried authentic self is hidden behind it along with the darkest part of secrets.

You say "damaged goods." I have described myself as being a broken toy. I first said it without thinking about it but have thought a lot about why that in particular popped into my head. Now if I think of broken as meaning damaged, that makes a lot of sense. The toy part of it, it think, is about being manipulated.

Brett

_________________________
Sometimes, things just won't work the way we want them to.

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#72042 - 11/13/03 04:47 PM Re: Going nucking futs
Mike Church Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 01/23/03
Posts: 3439
Loc: Toronto, Canada
You got it Brett.

The Perps do it to all of us and scew up our thinking.

_________________________
Mikey

IT REALLY IS OK TO STUMBLE. NONE OF US ARE PERFECT.

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#72043 - 11/13/03 06:27 PM Re: Going nucking futs
crisispoint Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/24/03
Posts: 2154
Loc: Massachusetts
Mikey,

That's true. It's just the unlearning part that I find so difficult.

That, and the inability to trust. I do not trust anyone, even tho I CRAVE it. To be able to be open, emotionally intimate, with another person, well, that comes with genuine affection and I want to be open to that again too.

Thank God for you guys,

Scot

_________________________
There are reasons I'm taking medication. They're called "other people." - Me, displaying my anti-social tendancies

fromacuriousmind.blogspot.com
malehurtandsurvive.blogspot.com

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#72044 - 11/14/03 11:06 PM Re: Going nucking futs
Thomas Offline
Member

Registered: 07/31/03
Posts: 109
Loc: boise
That virus that is going around really knocked me on my kazoo. Anyway, I'm back and I'm going to add a few more things.

Scot, you posted
Quote:
Would I want to respond to genuine affection? Do I want to just be held? Or will I always be afraid because of what the @$$hole did to me?
Amen, brother. Even assuming I want to just be held, I react fearfully and defensively. Just being touched can evoke a flinch. Often when another guy just attempts to squeeze my shoulder in encouragement, I find myself jumping or evading the touch. Talk about fear! \:o But there does seem to be room for hope. The reactions have become somewhat less severe in the last few months. Maybe that has something to do with a greater understanding of the roots of the fear, i.e., conscious memories of my abuse, and a better image of myself. Still, I would love, just once, to be able to express affection or even just regard for another person male or female, without having to deal with the intrusions of coitally suggestive overtones. And for these intrusions, I have my perp to thank :p .

_________________________
To know what you prefer instead of humbly saying Amen to what the world tells you you ought to prefer, is to have kept your soul alive. - Robert Louis Stevenson

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