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#72005 - 11/01/03 09:30 PM Going nucking futs
Justin113 Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 10/30/03
Posts: 28
Loc: Minneapolis, MN
Ok I am to my limit with this shit! I have so much stress and strain and anger lately it's driving me crazy. I have to do something. I've always felt this way, but generally not at such a strong frequency. I'm 20 and I feel like my life is already fucked. I live in Mpls, MN. I have to make friends. I really need to talk to someone. I want to sit next to somebody and talk until I have nothing left to say. This is hard enough but being gay I think makes it another level of difficulty. Because it's yet one more thing to be overcome. My bad self image. I view myself as like the person who did it to me because I feel these urges and act on them. And it feels good. Please help me. Just say something, anything, even pretend to be nice I don't care. I'm so melodramatic, I know. I was critisized my my dad for that over and over. Because I was often sad. And I sometimes make a big deal out of what appears to be nothing, but it doesn't feel like nothing to me dammit!! Why won't anyone listen?? I have tried to talk about this, but no one will hear it. They have knee-jerk reactions to what I say, like I'm offending them by telling the truth! Why am I bad for talking about what makes me hurt?!? I need help you guys. You're the only people I can turn to.


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#72006 - 11/01/03 10:09 PM Re: Going nucking futs
crisispoint Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/24/03
Posts: 2154
Loc: Massachusetts
Justin,

I hear you.

You aren't going nuts. This is a very real reaction to what was done to you. You are hurt on many levels and you need to get it out. It's a damn shame that you don't appear to have the support network you need in your immediate circle of friends, but it's a sad fact of life for some of us here.

I'm glad you found MaleSurvivor because it is a place where we can talk about what happened to us, what was done to us, and know that there are people who understand. You are not alone, Justin. I understand. Everyone here understands. And we're listening.

I don't know why you feel you're acting like your abuser (that's what I got from your post, so please forgive me if I misunderstood). Are you acting out? That is, are you doing some unhealthy things in order to gain control or feel better about what happened? Some of us here (me!) do this, and yes sir it makes us feel pretty bad once it's over. It does not mean that you are a bad person. It just means, however, you need to stop. It's destructive and hurtful to you. I don't want you to hurt, Justin, I want you to get better.

Are you in therapy now? Do you have a therapist you can trust? If not, get one. A rape crisis center in your area should be able to put you in touch with a good one. It can work wonders for your recovery. I know it did for me.

Find someone you can talk to. Perhaps the best place to start, if there is one near you, is a gay community center. Dollars to donuts, there are groups meeting that deal with sexual trauma and there you can talk it over with fellow survivors. Professionals too.

Finally, it doesn't hurt to take stock in what you are doing. You're reaching out, an incredibly brave thing to do. That's an important step, no matter what the result. Too many people wallow in their hurt because their afraid of being judged, or worse, think it's a sign of weakness to need help. You are a courageous and intelligent young man, and you deserve to be heard. This coming from someone who isn't even sure of his own sexuality because my developmental process was interrupted by some selfish @$$hole who thought more of himself than someone else.

You will get better Justin. I know you will.

Please feel free to PM (private message) anyone here who you feel secure in speaking with to help, myself included. We are an undestanding bunch of joes and we all want to help each other. Get helped, help someone else. Pay it forward, that's what we do.

I love you, brother, no strings. Thanks for being here. I want to hear what you have to say.

Peace,

Scot \:\)

_________________________
There are reasons I'm taking medication. They're called "other people." - Me, displaying my anti-social tendancies

fromacuriousmind.blogspot.com
malehurtandsurvive.blogspot.com

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#72007 - 11/01/03 10:56 PM Re: Going nucking futs
Justin113 Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 10/30/03
Posts: 28
Loc: Minneapolis, MN
Scot. Thank you. What you said to me I can feel and it does feel good to know somebody gives a shit. I too am very confused about sex. I want affection more than anything. From another guy. I don't know why, it just feels good to have a guy hold me. Sex took getting used to, and I'm still not totally comfortable with it. My partner was abused too. We feel we are both gay. We love each other. But I still feel weird sometimes. Like it's not "right" to be with a man in this way. Even though emotionally it's what I need, the physical part was repugnant at first. Sometimes it still is. I think I know what it all means- my abuse caused me to identify sexuality with the male body and male emotional affection, while still feeling guilty about enjoying something shameful. But we are two guys who care about each other regardless, and I feel safe next to him at night. Is this normal? I need acceptance I guess. It's hard to find in this world. But I will try to call those places you listed. Maybe they will help me. Thank you Scot.


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#72008 - 11/01/03 11:08 PM Re: Going nucking futs
Justin113 Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 10/30/03
Posts: 28
Loc: Minneapolis, MN
Jeff: I read your message and I'm amazed. Everything you said is exactly how I am. I had no idea all my problems tied in with this. For years I had many different psychologists tell me I was many different things- narcissistic, megalomaniac, bi polar, chronic depressive, hystrionic, potentially psychotic etc. all those listed are actual terms used to describe me by these people. They told me I was fucked up for years and I believed every word of it. Because I didn't know better. Because I'd never heard from any other survivors. I knew there must be others but until now I never contacted any. Nobody understands why I act so weird all the time. Why I'm so shy and fearful. I withdraw so much in solitude, but it's not really what I want. In time I want all this to change. I would like to feel better. Thank you for writing what you did, it was like seeing myself on paper. It's a strange feeling.


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#72009 - 11/02/03 12:03 AM Re: Going nucking futs
Justin113 Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 10/30/03
Posts: 28
Loc: Minneapolis, MN
That's pretty much what I always longed for, to recieve male affection and love. Not sex. Just holding and sleeping and feeling safe. Sex feels good too, though, and I know it's healthy to enjoy it with someone you love. But the main thing I think of is affection. I need it so badly it hurts whenever I'm not directly recieving it. This impairs many facets of my life. How should we deal with this? I'm jobless and trying to find rent money while dealing with the stress of being on probation in another state (!) and also dealing with being a survivor of abuse and the hell that was my adolescence. All along, just wanting a man to hold me. This is what I'm reduced to, a small guy who needs male affection. And barely functions. After 20 years. I need to change the way I do things. Cause if this continues I won't continue much longer. And that's not what I want at all- I want only to be happy


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#72010 - 11/02/03 12:33 AM Re: Going nucking futs
michael Joseph Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/11/01
Posts: 2719
Loc: Virginia
I think you just told over 2000 guys you live with your parents, I wont tell anyone.

MJ

I hope friends help whyme, I am grateful for your kind words towards me.

_________________________
Standing together is so much better than hiding in the dark.
***I am a three time WoR Retreat Alumni***
The Round Table, Men's CSA Group, Monday 7:30pm CST, MaleSurvivor Chat

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#72011 - 11/02/03 01:27 AM Re: Going nucking futs
Justin113 Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 10/30/03
Posts: 28
Loc: Minneapolis, MN
Whyme,
I know we haven't met- but I feel so much for you. I wish you could feel the warmth and love I want to share. Even if we are divided by decades and states, I think we have felt similar things. I hope you find someone who will show you the affection you deserve. It stabs my heart cold to think that you are 44 and have never experienced affection! Life is fucking cruel and unfair. But I support you. And you support me. And that counts for something. I feel nothing but love for you.


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#72012 - 11/02/03 04:11 AM Re: Going nucking futs
Justin113 Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 10/30/03
Posts: 28
Loc: Minneapolis, MN
You have put me in tears reading through the last paragraph. I'm so moved by your words because I too know and share the emotions that make them necessary. You are beautiful, my friend. And you deserve love and warmth. I know that I'm young, not very refined in my speech or ideas, but I do know that the feelings I harbor will always remain there. As I grow older and wiser I will be better equiped to help others. I'm trying to do so now. I'm learning. I want to give love, and I want love in return. Thank you for allowing me both.


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#72013 - 11/02/03 06:30 AM Re: Going nucking futs
crisispoint Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/24/03
Posts: 2154
Loc: Massachusetts
Justin and Jeff,

I do understand how both of you feel. Now, I am confused about my sexuality at this point (attracted physically/emotionally/intimately to women and men), but part of what made me easy pickings for my abuser was that my father and I didn't get along. Yes, even at the tender age of 11. I was a sensitive, bookish, shy child, and my father's idea of what boys should be didn't fall in that catagory. I was easily bullied and moved to tears, and that hurt my father to the point I'm pretty sure he considered me a "faggot."

God, that hurts to say.

SInce that time, I didn't trust any of my schoolmates (they were cruel and mean to me), and along came this guidance counselor who used that to get me to do exactly what he wanted. My price came pretty cheap, too. All that, and what I wanted from him, what I remember with such goddamn conflicted feelings, was just lying on top of him with his arms around me.

11 years olds shouldn't feel that way. 11 year olds shouldn't know about the "afterglow" of sex. 11 year olds shouldn't have to feel like prostitutes for basic affection and love.

Hurts. Still hurts to this day.

Jeff, what I wouldn't crave for a man to just hold me. Make me feel safe. Make me feel that I was a whole man and worth loving. I thought I had it as a child and it turned into such a f*****g ugly mess. Now, I just crave that. Crave that acceptance and love from a man. What I didn't get from my father and was made so f*****g ugly by my abuser.

Justin, you too are right and deserving to get that. We all are, and the fact that you are trying to get what you deserve shows a courage that I do not have now. I do not trust. I do not love. I want what I cannot have now.

God, I feel your lonliness. I wish I could hug you, tell you it will be all right. It will be for all of us, guys, I know it. But it will be hard work, and some times I do not know if I have the strength for it. But I know I will carry on, because what choice do I have?

You both are inspirations, and I love you. Just that. I love you both. No strings.

Peace,

Scot

_________________________
There are reasons I'm taking medication. They're called "other people." - Me, displaying my anti-social tendancies

fromacuriousmind.blogspot.com
malehurtandsurvive.blogspot.com

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#72014 - 11/02/03 01:55 PM Re: Going nucking futs
crisispoint Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/24/03
Posts: 2154
Loc: Massachusetts
Jeff,

You needn't worry about someone finding you cold. I feel the compassion you yearn for in others in you now. I do not need to be with you physically to know you are a caring, compassionate person who has so much to offer other people. When you offer it to the right person, you will be rewarded beyond your wildest expectations. You have given me a reason to keep on hoping.

Justin, yes, you are capable of loving and being loved. Do not let anyone ever tell you any different (even yourself, when you get to feeling negative). You may feel that you are young, but you are wise beyond your years, and you have a lot (A LOT!) to share. I look forward to seeing more of that here.

Guys, I hold you close in my heart. I hope it's enough. I love you both. You are the best this place has to offer.

Peace, love, and compassion, brothers.

Scot \:\)

_________________________
There are reasons I'm taking medication. They're called "other people." - Me, displaying my anti-social tendancies

fromacuriousmind.blogspot.com
malehurtandsurvive.blogspot.com

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