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#72000 - 10/30/03 10:31 AM xy
Justin113 Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 10/30/03
Posts: 28
Loc: Minneapolis, MN
I'm completely new to all of this. I'm 20 years old. I really don't know where to start with this, so here goes-
My mom and dad divorced when I was six. My mom took me and my brother to live at her parent's house. While there, allegations of sexual abuse came up. Allegedly my dad was in a porn ring with satanic overtones (this is what I was told) that killed and molested boys, infants, monkeys etc. Charges were filed and it went to trial. The judge coundn't determine if my dad abused me or if my mom had made it up. So I was sent to a foster home where I was humiliated and hit dailty by my foster mother. To make things more confusing for me now, I realized I was gay when I was 17. I was very conflicted and felt ashamed of my sexuality because it reminded me of the abuse I'd been told I suffered. I say this because, to this day, I have no memory of it. I have no idea how all this happened. I was only 6 at the time and it was very confusing. All throughout my life I've felt very depressed and lonely. I am in a healthy, loving relationship with another guy my age. He is my size as well- about 5'8" 120lbs. I am to this day wary of large men. So being gay I am only comfortable around smaller guys. I always feel so fucked up in my head, I can't think right, I never went to school and was sent to juvenile detention as a result. When I was 18 I comitted burglary and was sent to jail. I'm still on probation. I'm trying really hard to fix my life but there is always this deep black feeling pulling at me. I don't know what I expect in response to this. I think I just wanted to finally tell others who know about these things.
-Justin


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#72001 - 10/30/03 12:18 PM Re: xy
Mike Church Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 01/23/03
Posts: 3439
Loc: Toronto, Canada
Justin: Welcome. I am sorry for what has brought you here but am glad that you found us.

I am happy that you are in a supportive and loving relationship. I think that it might be advisable to seek out a therapist. Here is a url from our site for this
http://www.malesurvivor.org/Resource%20Directory/index.htm
Additionally here is a consumers guide to finding a therapist:

http://www.malesurvivor.org/Resource%20Directory/consumer.htm

Now the important thing to remember is that you are part of our brotherhood. We are a cross section of society, race, religion, sexual orientation and anything else. There are no finer men, as far as I can see, anywhere else who are as supportive caring sharing as you will find here.

Welcome BROTHER

_________________________
Mikey

IT REALLY IS OK TO STUMBLE. NONE OF US ARE PERFECT.

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#72002 - 10/30/03 01:46 PM Re: xy
Justin113 Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 10/30/03
Posts: 28
Loc: Minneapolis, MN
Hey thanks for what you said. It's a relief to hear from others who have endured these things. I will follow the links you gave. I've been thinking for some time that I probably do need a counselor. I just can't seem to resolve all this shit. My dad always told me to just get over it, I had that drilled into my head for so long I really believed it was just me being weak and pathetic. But I'm starting to see things differently. I don't know how to just get over it. But I want to accept things and keep moving ahead so I can enjoy the rest of my life. It's just so consusing sometimes.


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#72003 - 10/30/03 07:13 PM Re: xy
Stephen_5 Offline
BoD Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 09/12/00
Posts: 667
Loc: Northern California Foothills
Justin,

You don't 'just get over it' without a lot of help and support. I was taught to 'be a man', 'be strong', 'don't show your emotions', 'don't be a baby'. It's all BS, real men do get emotional, cry and seek help when they need it. Hell, I'll even look at maps and ask for directions. Healing is something that I couldn't have done alone. This is a good place to start. I envy the fact that you're dealing with this now at your age. I'm an older guy who waited 38 years before I told anyone about being abused and by then I still wasn't 'over it'.

Take good care of yourself, look at all the resources that are available here on the site and check out what's available in your immediate area. You're not alone here, this is a very supportive place to be.

Steve

_________________________
I want to stay as close to the edge as I can without going over. Out on the edge you see all kinds of things you can't see from the center.
Kurt Vonnegut (1922-2007)

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#72004 - 10/31/03 04:28 PM Re: xy
Brayton Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/21/03
Posts: 696
Loc: Minneapolis
Justin,

I am glad that you are able to write about these things and share them with us.

Hang in there. We're listening.

Brett.

_________________________
Sometimes, things just won't work the way we want them to.

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