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#71936 - 08/26/03 12:30 PM Confused on sexuality
Mikey Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 08/25/03
Posts: 2
Hi, new member.

My abuse started when I was 12. My father remarried and my 18 year old 'step-brother' shared a room with me. It was just as my sexuality was blossoming in. I was becoming attracted to girls before this.

I wasn't totally coerced, but because of the age difference, I now feel it was abuse. It was mutual oral sex and his penetrating me anally. It went on several times a week for a few years.

I am basically attracted to men now, yet wonder if I was 'meant' to be gay. Sorry if this is offensive to some.


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#71937 - 08/26/03 02:58 PM Re: Confused on sexuality
catch22 Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 08/18/03
Posts: 19
Loc: san jose, ca
Damn right, it was abuse.

Anything more than three years age difference cannot be considered "consensual." At 12 years old, boys are essentially nonsexual beings or emerging sexual beings, and any manipulation or approach by an adult - which an 18 year old is - is abuse. Read the criminal code.

I have a 12 year old brother. if anybody - Anybody! - did this to him there would be no question about it's being abuse.

i am sorry that this happened to you. i'm glad you are here. i'm new myself, but what i see and "hear" gives me new hope. welcome.

_________________________
Life is pain. You just get used to it.

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#71938 - 08/26/03 04:23 PM Re: Confused on sexuality
Sans Logos Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/31/03
Posts: 5791
Loc: in my own world in pittsburgh,...
My older brother perp was 27 months older than me. It is not about sex. It is about power. He initiated me before my time. That ruined any chance I had to allow my sexuality to unfold naturally of its own volition.

You were abused, and whether or not you are gay is not important. I am 50 yeras old, and left a lot of damage in the wake of my years trying to "figure out" my orientation. Truth is, orientation only matters if you are into what others think about it, sad to say. I have been with both men and women, and have finally reconciled within myself that it is okay to allow myself to be attracted to men. Thankfully, we are arriving at a time where society, through the efforts of academia and research, is beginning to define people less by their sexual orientation, and more by their intrinsic worth.

Telling our stories here is helping to contribute to the construction of new cultural perceptions about sexuality, while debunking long held myths regarding the same. We are all, in being here, contributing to the development of future ideologies in the arena of justice, regarding the issue of the abuse of power as it relates to sex and sexual behavior. From the graves of our experiences with sexual victimization will rise a seed of vindication that will become a new tree on the branch of justice for our lives.

That is good news.

Ron

_________________________
  1. the past
  2. ReClaiming Now
  3. advocacy


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#71939 - 08/26/03 04:28 PM Re: Confused on sexuality
Mike Church Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 01/23/03
Posts: 3439
Loc: Toronto, Canada
Mikey
It was abuse. Pure and simple and none of it was you fault no matter how good it felt. As the other guys have stated it is about power and control.

I am sorry for the reasons that you found us but am glad that you have. You will not find a better group of outstanding brothers in the real sense. They are compassionate, kind, caring and tough if they have to be. We come from all races, religions, sexual preferences and levels of society. But we are all here for the same reason: To Heal.

So welcome fellow mikey on this hike. It can be rough but it is worth it.

_________________________
Mikey

IT REALLY IS OK TO STUMBLE. NONE OF US ARE PERFECT.

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#71940 - 08/26/03 06:08 PM Re: Confused on sexuality
watkins Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 08/21/03
Posts: 5
Loc: Oklahoma
No doubt about it. It was abuse! My situation is so much like yours. I was 6, my brother was 12. It left me screwed up for years, especially through my adolescents. Confusion was much of the problem, women or men? I have worked through much of the confusion but from time to time I still think about other men. This place is great...I'm glad you are here. You are not alone. I hope you find as much support as I have.


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#71941 - 08/27/03 10:25 AM Re: Confused on sexuality
Mikey Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 08/25/03
Posts: 2
Thanks for the replies. Let's face it, being attracted to the same sex is tougher in our society. Would any of us deny it is "easier" to be straight?

In that sense, I feel cheated out of a more "normal" or should I say "easier" heterosexual lifestyle.

I wrestle with whether I was "meant" to be gay...or did my experiences "change" this? I hope I offend no one when I say I wish I was just straight sometimes.

A comment was made about it "feeling good" but it's still abuse. I appreciate that. Ever since it began, I struggled with my "consent" and the fact it did feel good...so was I just a participant? I am feeling more sure that I was instead a victim.

To the other Mikey- sorry if I duped your name...I can change and log in again if you like.


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#71942 - 08/27/03 01:12 PM Re: Confused on sexuality
welly Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 10/20/02
Posts: 11
Loc: uk
Like you I was abused as I was on the cusp of sexual awakening and I have been attracted to men mostly since.
I struggled in the following years to try to work out if my sexuality is linked to my abuse and to try to "re-educate" myself by trying to think of women at the point of ejacualtion. I even had a girlfriend and a full sex life with her, but there was something important missing. So is my sexuality shaped by abuse? The answer is sadly yes and no.
Yes - because sexuality is wider than gay/straight or who you have sex with (or whether you have sex). Undoubtably abuse has partly shaped my sexual being and how I think of myself physically, emotionally and sexually.
No - because when after years of anxiety I did enough therapy to think back to the pre-abuse days, there were, in my case, plenty of signs of the way I was developing.
This may or may not be the same for you. I am attracted to women from time to time and sometimes I do the wondering like you - the "what if" and "could I". However, I am confident that I am mostly gay. That said, I have an acquaintance who suffered years of abuse and lives as a gay man. He often says he can never know what might of been. But I also have met plenty of straight men who also suffered abuse at the hands of men.

I don't think it is easy to answer. Only you can possibly know. I had to decide it wasn't important before I could get the headspace to deal with it.

As to being straight being easier - well I think a lot depends on where you live. I live in a major city (London) and it is no accident that gays and lesbians gravitate to big cities. As well as having more chance to meet other gays, cities are generaly much more tolerant. I am out at work, with family and neighbours. My partner & I have a full social life in "normal" places. We don't hang out in gay places. We eat in nornal restaurants and stay in normal hotels. Actually for me being gay is probably easier - no parental expectations !!!

Finally, one of my longest struggles has been with the "what if" spiral. It is closely related to the "Why Me's". Friend, it hurts. It hurt me most that someone could affect my life so deeply and for so long, by doing something that they barely thought about afterwards. It ate me up for years. Coming to terms with the fact that I am who I am, how I am and that my history is as it is, was a hard won struggle but the most releasing of all.


Welly


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#71943 - 09/04/03 10:18 AM Re: Confused on sexuality
Mike Church Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 01/23/03
Posts: 3439
Loc: Toronto, Canada
Mikey: There is enough room here for two mikeys. ;\)

_________________________
Mikey

IT REALLY IS OK TO STUMBLE. NONE OF US ARE PERFECT.

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