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#71926 - 08/22/03 08:16 PM my family officially knows
jimrh Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/22/03
Posts: 273
Loc: Roswell, GA
Earlier this week, I wrote an email to my mother, two sisters and brother. I wrote the email because I do not have frequent contact with them and because putting my message in writing and making sure I said exactly what I wanted was paramount.

I told them about my situation (although my wife already has told my sisters) with regard to my marriage (it is ending) and the fact that I am gay.

Today, I got the first two responses, from my sisters. Reaction? I am not gay because God does not make mistakes.

I talked on the phone (right after reading the messages) with the one person who I think is my sole friend on this planet. We cried for almost an hour. I am here alone in Taiwan and at least I felt comfort in letting my sadness out with him despite being separated by over 8,000 miles.

I don't think I cried so hard in my life ever. It felt like I couldn't breathe at times. I still feel the same sadness now.

I once read a post somewhere about a guy who discovered he had HIV and decided to write a letter to his parents about it and the fact that he was gay. The response came back in the form of an envelope containing the shredded remains of his birth certificate.

I understand now just how easy people, especially family, just decide that there can be no such thing as gay. I suppose at this point that I have to accept the fact that I don't exist after all.

Jim

:rolleyes:


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#71927 - 08/22/03 08:35 PM Re: my family officially knows
outis Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/27/03
Posts: 2260
Loc: Maryland USA
Quote:
I am not gay because God does not make mistakes.
Jim,

Sounds like she's confused. The fact is there's nothing wrong with you being gay because God doesn't make mistakes.

I'm really sorry that they're making this harder on you than it already is. I hope your friend is able to listen to you as much as you need. Post here, send PM, whatever it takes to get this grief out. You are a good man, a good father. You don't deserve to have someone make your life difficult because they're ignorant.

Hang in there. You took a big step in coming out to your family. Some of them might even learn some truth about sexuality now, and perhaps come around to be supportive. In the meantime we're here.

Joe

_________________________
"Telemachos, your guest is no discredit to you. I wasted no time in stringing the bow, and I did not miss the mark. My strength is yet unbroken…"—The Odyssey, translated by W.H.D. Rouse

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#71928 - 08/22/03 08:36 PM Re: my family officially knows
ScottyTodd Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 02/12/03
Posts: 1561
Loc: Pennsylvania
Jim - I'm truly sorry to hear about your family's responses but the hiding, wondering and doubts are past and the real you is out. I think your sisters are half right...God doesn't make mistakes. It's sad they won't accept you as you are...you are still their brother.The fact that they don't accept you as gay and feel the need to change you to make themselves feel more comfortable is not your fault but their choice ...a very sad choice! It is good you could talk with your friend and get out the stresses and hurts by crying. A good cry is immensely healing.

You have taken a positive albeit painful step by sharing the real you with your family and us here! Although you may not feel this way...know you are not alone. Family often are the harshest critics...but you have support among your brothers here!

Peace and Hugs!!!

Howard

_________________________
If you think you can or you can't - you're right!.......anon
It's never too late to have a happy childhood!.....anon
You're very normal for the abnormal situation you've been through..............S. Todd

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#71929 - 08/23/03 09:44 AM Re: my family officially knows
Dale English Offline
Newsletter Founder/Producer
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 06/08/03
Posts: 448
Loc: PA
Jim,

My heart goes out to you. I know those tears and what kind of pain produces them. The shock, unable to take it all in, not wanting to believe it and then the reality breaks through the defenses and wham...another wave of pain is felt. I'm so glad that you have a friend who is able to just "be" with you in your grief. No one should be alone in this kind of pain.

I'll be at home all week-end and checking the board frequently if you need to connect through a post or a PM. Hang in there Jim. I know we're far away but we're here!

Taz


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#71930 - 08/23/03 12:29 PM Re: my family officially knows
MrDon Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/08/01
Posts: 957
Loc: Deltona, FL
Jim,
I'm saddened by the experience you had to go through. Those people who are your family, will have to answer one day for what they have done.

My family disowned me when I started talking about the child abuse and shunned me as if I was a disease. They never got to hear from me that I am gay. And since my mom died about a year and a half ago, she will never get to hear it from me. However when I went to the funeral (even though there was no communication between myself and the family that day), they did get to see my partner.

It is hard with family because we so badly want to be a part of a family and to be loved, cared for... and when things like this happen, it rips a big chunk out of our lives. I've been there.. The one thing in life that is beginning to get better for me (after several years) is that I am healing that big whole that was torn out of me. Healing by the sense of filling it with other things in my life that are the essence of what I desire in family. Yes I still miss it and long for it, but and least the whole it left isn't as big now.

Don

_________________________
In order to journey to new worlds, we must first be willing to lose site of the shore.

The Mind Body Thoughts Blog
http://mindbodythoughts.blogspot.com/

Check out my relaxing piano music from the heart!
http://www.donshetterly.com

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#71931 - 08/23/03 12:46 PM Re: my family officially knows
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
Jim
Maybe your family just need time to come round to accepting your choice ?
I hope that's the case anyway, but it doesn't take away the hurt of their spiteful reactions right now.

For that you need those people you know you can trust, it's time to call in a few favours.
And if it means a few more tearful calls to your good friend, then so be it.
And don't forget to come here, we might just be "someone on another keyboadrd" - but we do care.

Dave

_________________________
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

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#71932 - 08/23/03 09:30 PM Re: my family officially knows
The Dean Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 07/15/02
Posts: 2080
Loc: Milwaukee, WI
Jim, and Don,

I will never be able to understand why family members shun each other, or sometimes even declare that they are no longer considered family.

I knew a boy who decided in his senior year in high school to life with his Dad, after the divorce, because his Mom was alcoholic and life would be so chaotic with her. She callled to announce to him that he had just died as far as she is concerned. She left his life completely, and still has not seen her grandson who is now a fine teenager.

We are all good people just as we are. You are exceptional men, just as you are. Families are the victims of all the goofy statements of warped people, many of who seem to be so-called "religious leaders" and "devout" members of some religion.

You know you are good. You have most likely been good sons and brothers. Your families have lost so much by putting you on the margins of the family. I wish there were somthing I could say or do that would take away the pain of rejection. But, no such luck.

Your families chose to impoverish themselves. I would like to think that in their deepest hearts, they deperately want to love you and tell you that, but are held back by concern about what others would think. If only they knew what we who are also others think!

You are integral, loved, respected members of this family, and we are immensely happy to say that you are our brothers.

Bob

_________________________
If we do not live what we believe, then we will begin to believe what we live.

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#71933 - 08/23/03 11:18 PM Re: my family officially knows
MrDon Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/08/01
Posts: 957
Loc: Deltona, FL
Thanks Bob... I can't go to far on this because it touches my mom in so many ways, and the chances that will never be now. Oh how I wish she and I could have been together.. and now, it will never be a possibility in the physical sense of life.

As far as my father and brother,, I only wish they could just own up to what they did and if they did, it would go a long ways to mend things.

I don't want to hijack this thread with my stuff but Jim, I truly know how you feel. Except for the brief moment at the funeral, I have not seen my immediate family since 1991.

Sad.... very sad indeed.

And right now, I really miss my mom but that is another post - if I can get the courage up to talk about it.

Don

_________________________
In order to journey to new worlds, we must first be willing to lose site of the shore.

The Mind Body Thoughts Blog
http://mindbodythoughts.blogspot.com/

Check out my relaxing piano music from the heart!
http://www.donshetterly.com

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#71934 - 08/23/03 11:28 PM Re: my family officially knows
jimrh Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/22/03
Posts: 273
Loc: Roswell, GA
Guys,

all of you have been so incredibly kind and with such strong sincerity that I can actually feel some of your hugs through your words.

My email has created such a tempest that I wouldn't be surprised if I get a phone call from Jerry Falwell himself.

I can tell you that this much is real. At the very moment that I finished reading their email in resonse to my coming out, my friend popped up on yahoo IM. It was mid morning in his time zone and he's never on that early. There was a reason for him logging into Yahoo IM.

I don't know what I would have done if he hadn't been there.

He knows who he is and he reads posts on this discussion board. I am eternally grateful to him for his help. I believe this much: in time of despair even the hand of God can move so quickly that the gravity of the event is not clear until the dust settles (or in my case, the rivers of tears ended).

I think I set a new personal best for releasing grief and pain.

I'm looking forward to meeting some of you at the conference in a few weeks.

God Bless you all. To my friend, :p I will love you forever.


Jim


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#71935 - 08/24/03 06:56 PM Re: my family officially knows
uncertain Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 06/18/03
Posts: 22
Hi Jim!

Oh.. family and parents have the capability of hurting us more than anyone, because we love them and want/need their affirmation.

Keep in mind that it was possibly a great shock for them to hear this about you. Their first reaction wasn't terribly helpful (to say the least). Hopefully they will come around with time and when they realize this isn't a fickle phase of yours. If they are religious they actually might believe that you couldn't be gay.

In any case, I am not sure if you believe in God or a Higher Power, but it's a good time in life to depend on your HP to give you all the comfort and affirmation you need. As well as the goood people here and your own friends.

Anyway.. just sending some thoughts and hugs your way. \:\)


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