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#71862 - 06/27/03 01:14 AM Self Hate
Dave214 Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 06/26/03
Posts: 2
Loc: Grants Pass OR
I have been in therapy for almost two years now. I feel like the more I learn about my self the closer I'm getting to giving up on life. I got my perp stepdad arrested and he is serving 25 year sentence (probably life at his age). He always told me he loved me and our secret was proof of how much he loved me. I feel so confused at times.
Since I did like the sexual feeling of my abuser I cant help but feel like it is my fault it happened or at least continued to happen.Now when I think about sending him to prison I feel like I betrayed the only person who ever loved me. I was supposed to feel empowered by the punishment of my abuser but I only feel sorrow for him and hatred for myself.


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#71863 - 06/27/03 03:17 AM Re: Self Hate
Ivanhoe Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/19/03
Posts: 1907
Dave,

I'm a David, too.

I read your post tonight and my heart really goes out to you.

I wished that abuse wasn't so mixed up with our abusers telling us that they love us or what they/we are doing isn't going to impact us in any negative way.

"After all," my 8th grade treacher/abuser said to me, "the Greeks did this with their students all of the time."

So, somehow, that made everything OK..... for him.

Ya, reacting to the sexual stimulation is a real confusing thing for most of us. I'm sorry that he told you that he loved you.

What a lie.

If he really loved you, he would have tucked you in, told you that he was happy, proud, lucky to have a son like you and said that he was looking forward to spending time with you on the weekend, and maybe kissed you on the forehead before he turned out the light and closed the door behind him, from outside of your room.

Please know that it sometimes gets worse--you know, darker before the dawn--before it gets better.

But you know what? You got us now, Dave.

We're gunna be here for you when you need us.

I can't wait until you meet some of the guys.
You know, some of the guys here, who you will think are your brothers; caring, loving brothers.

Be patient, Dave. Some of us have been where you are, but know, that when you've had some time to analyze your life, you'll find that these guys were right.

IT WILL GET BETTER.

OK?

Welcome, Dave, make yourself at home and meet some of the finest men you'll ever meet in your life.

If you ever want to talk to one of us privately, like you want to try something out before you post publicly, use the "private post" at the bottom of this or other posts, and you'll reach whomever you address your PM to.

Two big breaths, now,

Be strong,

One of your new brothers, in the struggle,

David

_________________________
"No soul is desolate as long as there is a human being for whom it can feel trust and reverence."
George Eliot

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#71864 - 06/27/03 09:54 AM Re: Self Hate
Mike Church Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 01/23/03
Posts: 3439
Loc: Toronto, Canada
Dave:

It is a normal reaction that you had believe me. It felt good. Well sure it did. I mean we are very sexual beings and we react to stimulation as we are genetically programmed to do. But you have to remember Dave that he used his position to gratify his own needs with no thought about the effect it would have on you or your feelings

David above has put it very eloquently and simply.

Quote:
feel like the more I learn about my self the closer I'm getting to giving up on life.
Dave you must remember that it was not ever your fault. Dont give up on life just because of how you feel now.

The important thing is that you have found us and that you now will never be alone again.

This site is full of truly great guys who are now all your brothers. They have been there, done that etc etc. We come from all corners of the world and preferences and religions but we are here for the same reason. They are not judgemental only compassionate. We also have some fun on occasion in chat.

So relax, start to feel good about yourself, read, post, listen and join us on the road you have chosen to take.
This is a great site and some day we will drive the public agenda about SA.

Your brother

_________________________
Mikey

IT REALLY IS OK TO STUMBLE. NONE OF US ARE PERFECT.

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#71865 - 06/27/03 10:14 AM Re: Self Hate
outis Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/27/03
Posts: 2260
Loc: Maryland USA
Quote:
Since I did like the sexual feeling of my abuser I cant help but feel like it is my fault it happened or at least continued to happen.
Dave,

I have felt something very much like that. Take a look, if you like, at what I wrote here just this week.

It was not your fault. There are many good healthy reasons for a boy to look up to the important male figures in his life. And a boy will often obey, when faced with the prospect of losing such an important relationship, even if that obedience leads him to great pain.

Your stepdad should never have put you in such a terrible situation. Please, please, go easy on yourself. You've endured a lot of pain, and you deserve a chance to feel good about the good man you are.

Listen to these guys. Take a look around here and you will see that they make a lot of sense.

Go easy on yourself.

Thanks,

Joe

_________________________
"Telemachos, your guest is no discredit to you. I wasted no time in stringing the bow, and I did not miss the mark. My strength is yet unbroken…"—The Odyssey, translated by W.H.D. Rouse

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