I have posted this here because it contains some references to my orientation. Not to offend those who have a hard time with such references.
Memories of a childhood covered in many shades of misty gray,
Daylight as black as the night.
All I wanted was some sunlight
To keep evil away.
I dare say now, I was just a boy and I knew how to laugh
Only had nothing to laugh for
I tried to hide.
Oh yes I did.
But they found me time and again
To do their will my cries in vain
I stopped fighting, stopped pleading
Stopped begging, stopped resisting
They were bigger than me
His little brother, his little boy
Nothing more than a household slave and a toy
Some days I was lucky, when I wouldn't have to go home
Playing at a friends house, and real food I hoped
Most of the time I knew
What would happen later
And God I was right.
I learned not to plea to be gentle.
My brother listened sometimes
When he wasn't high
Sometimes he would cry
Strange to say, I loved him when he did that.
The shame the next morning
Walking to school
No words just so dirty
Afraid it would show
Hoping it would, kinda and not at all, all at the same time
My dad drank more and more
My brother became crueler
And what about me?
I did my job
I came home from school
And did what I was supposed to
Hoping my dad would be too drunk
My brother too high
Sometimes they were
Hours more of glorious sleep!!
Only to be pulled out of bed in the middle of the night
I didn't cry because they hurt me.
Or perhaps I did too.
I cried in the bath, that I do know
I cried until I was done crying.
Or was too tired to cry.
Clean this up! Where's my G.damn food! Get your ass over here!
You know what I want you little shit, do it or you'll hurt for it.
This tastes like shit, food all over the floor.
Did he expect a 9 year old to be a fucking chef?!!!
The food was ok. I ate it from the floor.
I didn't care anymore what he said or did.
I just hoped he was drunk enough to keep in the cough.
Hoped I would not wake him
Hoped I would not run into my brother
One day I walked across town, to the sea.
I sat down on a boulder and watched the seagulls dive and fool around
It was fun. A sunny day mid May.
A boy walked by, stopped and looked at me
Turned towards me and smiled.
He was so pretty. I don't know why
He sat down next to me, offered me a smoke.
I took it and started coughing. No wonder.
I was 13 and had never smoked before.
He ran his fingers through my hair and smiled again
He said I was pretty
I think I blushed then. Yeah pretty sure I did.
We just sat there, he held my hand.
I only saw him that one time.
Of course I was late that day.
A few years later I was late again.
I ran upstairs and got as much clothes in my pack as I could.
A few books and a sleeping bag.
My brother was not there
My dad was as drunk as ever
He tried to grab me but I pushed him away
I told him I was going away
I told him I was going and wasn't coming back.
I ran out the door and kept running until it was dark
I didn't know where I was.
But I was alone.
I walked until I reached the beach. There I fell asleep.
When I woke it was warm and sunny, I don't know why but I felt like swimming.
Did that. Later that day I got a ride and made my way further away to the North. Fields and pastures everywhere. Flowers all over the place, cows grazing.
Got a ride from a couple going to a camping resort. When we got there they told me to be careful about who's car I got into. They didn't have a clue, but they were nice people.
As I walked away I saw a sign saying help wanted. Cleaning, helping out in the small store. I went in and got the job. And a place to stay as well.
I didn't like the owner, but he liked me. He was a real hard type, ex sailor. I was used to that. I didn't mind sleeping on his sofa, being watched in the shower. He paid me.
I thought it was the best I could get. After 2 months I told him I would go and get things in order for school, find a room.
He offered to help, I didn't want him to. But soon I found out Amsterdam was not the easiest city to find a place to live. He knew something he said. It wasn't much but it was full of young guys like me, a bit run down and managed by his sister/brother in law.
He asked his sister no to charge me too much, I overheard. Guess he was nicer than I thought.
Later that night he took me to a restaurant, told me I had been a great help, asked me to come again next summer. He drove me to my new home and gave me some extra money. He looked so lonely. I asked him inside. He never tried to do a thing, but I gave him what he wanted. I didn't love him, but I felt cared for.
Now we are just friends, in the season, I still work for him. Guess I owe him a lot.
its been raining too much, I need a tan and more nice days ahead!!!!!
Something old, something new, something borrowed, something blue