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#71766 - 05/26/03 12:26 AM It's not easy for me to be here
dwf Offline
Moderator/BoD Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/24/03
Posts: 1223
Loc: Austin, Texas USA
Being here is easier than where I have been for a long time, alone and hurting. I have never made contact with other men seeking to recover from sexual abuse by another man.
This is the first time I've posted a message here. I've been hanging around the chat room a little and observing the people there and observing myself.
One thing I've noticed is that I feel very anxious about doing this and I feel doubt about whether I can have trust in this process.
But like I said, living without contact with my peers (men who have suffered sexual abuse) no longer works for me. I came here at the advice of my therapist whom I met through a gay mens group he leads.
I am a middle aged gay man. I started to become aware of the abuse in my past and present while learning how to live without drugs and alcohol.
I have been abused and abused myself many times.
The abuse that continues to affect me the most was when I was 15 and met a man at a religious summer camp. I was already on my own and I thought that he was helping me because he felt compassion for my situation. I have begun to understand that he instead saw my situation as an opportunity--that many defenses that other boys had were not present in my life. I lived with this man for several years in the context of our religious community. No one ever noticed anything weird about a teenage boy living with a 55 year old man in a one bedroom apartment with only one bed.
I was convinced that we were really lovers--though he acted like a parent, by providing shelter, food etc. I always thought that I had left him behind, because I got older. The truth is he left me, because I got older--too old.
He died last November-a moment that I've been waiting for a long time--and they published a glowing obituary of him in our national religious newspaper. I guess his death was the last thing I was holding on to hoping would change or make it all go away. But it didn't. Instead it intensified the pain, anger and sense of betrayal that has poisoned my life ever since I met him.
I still try to be active in my faith community but it is hard because they believe homosexuality is not appropriate and I know that only fuels the self hatred and scornful regret that I feel.
I have been sober and clean now for almost 11 years. I became aware of the abuse in my life at about 2 years sober when certain things in my personal inventory didn't add up. I was leading a meeting on sexual inventory work (4th step) when I remembered how degraded I had felt when my abuser and one of his pals were discussing trading me for a weekend with another young guy.
That really let the cat out of the bag---and I have learned that once you've had a cat in a bag, chances the cat's going to be really pissed off when he gets out, do some damage and be really hard to get back in.
One of the characteristics I share with men like us, is a tendency to either isolate and close up the truth about myself or to engage in inappropriate, premature self-disclosure that leaves me feeling over exposed and painfully vulnerable that leads to withdrawal and retreat into the desperate loneliness that I have lived.
I have spent the last year undergoing treatment for a serious illness and have been rendered less than as active physically as I am accustomed to. During this time I have come to believe in the importance of living in the present with love and compassion for myself. That's why I am here. The men in my gay group therapy sessions want to understand but I still get the feeling that they think I should perhaps just move on and get over it. They don't say that--that's just the echo of my own voice that still believes that somehow I caused this, I can control it alone or that I should be able to cure myself.
Thanks to the guys I've briefly met in the chat room. Thanks for the hellos.
I apologize for having written such a long first message. I have been feeling very anxious and upset since I first found this website and began participating. I hope now that I will begin to feel more like a part of.
Thanks for reading.
Danny

_________________________
"Poke salad Annie, 'gators got you granny
Everybody said it was a shame
'Cause her mama was aworkin' on the chain-gang"

-Tony Joe White

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#71767 - 05/26/03 12:41 AM Re: It's not easy for me to be here
Mike Church Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 01/23/03
Posts: 3439
Loc: Toronto, Canada
Danny:

I am sorry for the reasons that brought you here but am very glad that you found us. You will find only support and compassion here from all of us in the Wolf Pack. We call ourselves that because wolves are social, friendly, like family, protect the young and the weak and the suffering and as a group we can smell out predators and expose them and run them off. It does not matter what is your religious affiliation or sexual orientation or anything else for that matter. The only thing important is that you have chosen to take the road we are on to a better future. So on behalf of the pack I say


AAAAAAAAAAAWWWWWWWWWHHHHHHHHHHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO :p

_________________________
Mikey

IT REALLY IS OK TO STUMBLE. NONE OF US ARE PERFECT.

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#71768 - 05/26/03 10:45 AM Re: It's not easy for me to be here
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
Danny
thanks for coming here, it's not we want any more "victims", but we know there are so many out there that need somewhere to go for help and support.

If you've been looking around the site you'll have seen the friendship here, and it's for everyone.
So please don't feel you have to post just here.

If you need any help just ask one of the Moderators, or any of the guys here, and someone will help.

Dave

_________________________
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

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#71769 - 05/26/03 11:54 AM Re: It's not easy for me to be here
The Dean Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 07/15/02
Posts: 2080
Loc: Milwaukee, WI
Hi Danny, it is good to meet you. Congratualtions on your years of being clean and sober 24 hours at a time. Being free of that stuff lets us think clearer. Working a program helps us build ourselves into a better person.

It is tragic to read that at 15 years old you were already on your own. That you did not have parents and family to love and protect you is really sad. I feel so badly as I think of that young boy all alone.

You have had an awful experience of having a person take you in and care for you but then take advantage of you sexually. How confusing that must have been for you. I hope that now you are able to find love that is genuine, not a pretext to use you again. Love is wonderful when it is true selfless, sacrificing love.

Danny, you are free of him now. You are with men here who most certainly will care for you with no strings attached.

Lry us know what you need and as best we can here in cyberspace, we will do all we can. And we look forward to all you can give us. Danny, I hope that you know that by letting us know you and your struggles from your early life, you have already helped us. You are yet another reminder that in our healing, we need to be strong in making other boys safe today.

Peace to you Danny, and thanks for being a part of Male Survivor.

Bob

_________________________
If we do not live what we believe, then we will begin to believe what we live.

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#71770 - 05/26/03 12:15 PM Re: It's not easy for me to be here
MrDon Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/08/01
Posts: 957
Loc: Deltona, FL
Danny,
I'm glad you found the place and don't worry about being anxious or scared, just take your time. I think most of us have been pretty scared when we really started to reach out to others for support. For survivors, that is no easy task.

When I hear people say "just get over it" or push that idea on others such as is being done with you; I cringe! Healing is not something that happens at the drop of a hat or something that you can just get over. There are a lot of steps that happen inbetween and they all are important. To me, what is Mach 1 speed for one person may be a crawl for another and I've found that I just have to go at my own pace. Trying to hurry the process for myself isn't always a good thing and can often leave me spinning around myself.

I grew up in a home where homosexuality (it was never referred to as being "gay") was a big sin and a terrible thing. I remember my dad talking about how disgusting it was for two guys to have sex. I remember when my old brother was supposedly raped by another guy and he told my dad about it. What my dad said after that was not very nice in the least! But at the same time, my dad was molesting me and so was my older brother. I wouldn't call these homosexual acts because it was clearly incest but the double standard they gave me was so hypocritical. And most of it was founded in the church.

So for now, I'm learning to accept this part of myself and trying to throw the judgemental stuff out the window. And like you, I am learning to just live in the present time, loving myself and caring for myself which is an awesome thing.

Don

_________________________
In order to journey to new worlds, we must first be willing to lose site of the shore.

The Mind Body Thoughts Blog
http://mindbodythoughts.blogspot.com/

Check out my relaxing piano music from the heart!
http://www.donshetterly.com

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#71771 - 05/26/03 01:54 PM Re: It's not easy for me to be here
outis Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/27/03
Posts: 2260
Loc: Maryland USA
Danny,

Like the other guys I want to tell you that it's good to see you have found us here, though it's not good that you or anyone has to seek a place for this kind of healing.

I want to thank you for my own selfish reasons. You're being here will make this a better place, a stronger resource for me in my recovery.

And I love the de>
_________________________
"Telemachos, your guest is no discredit to you. I wasted no time in stringing the bow, and I did not miss the mark. My strength is yet unbroken…"—The Odyssey, translated by W.H.D. Rouse

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#71772 - 05/27/03 01:29 AM Re: It's not easy for me to be here
ScottyTodd Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 02/12/03
Posts: 1561
Loc: Pennsylvania
dwf - I also add my welcome! Sorry for what brought you here among us BUT glad to see you are not isolating! I find it so easy to isolate but recognize that compounds my guilt, shame, pain and a host of other issues SA brings. Let me encourage you to keep communicating because our perps wanted us to isolate and not talk about our abuse. Even though it causes pain, by talking about our needs, feelings, thoughts, struggles - by talking out we are taking control away from our perps!!

Howard

_________________________
If you think you can or you can't - you're right!.......anon
It's never too late to have a happy childhood!.....anon
You're very normal for the abnormal situation you've been through..............S. Todd

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#71773 - 05/27/03 10:54 PM Re: It's not easy for me to be here
Marc Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/25/03
Posts: 256
Loc: Tucson, AZ
Welcome Danny,

I am glad that you've found a sense of comfort from everyone. Sometimes ir feels as if this container of plastic and bits and bytes is a living being. It has helped me much and continues to.

Wow, 11 years! That's what I am striving for. Can't say for any good reason that I stumble but I am trying very hard this time to quit all of it. Believe you me, I'm not hooked on anything; I struggle with EVERYTHING! You've got a major accomplishment under your belt.

Society failed little Danny. Religion failed him too. But adult Danny's search for the truth and for happiness has obviously not. Nor will your fellow wolf brothers. \:\)

Welcome home! ;\)


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