I don't really understand this.
I am usually the "passive" partner in sex, I like it this way. It's what is more comfortable to me. I think I would have been this way regardless of the abuse...
Today my partner (Dave) came over for a while after work, tomorrow is his birthday so I am being extra nice to him.
He wanted to do oral sex on me and I said OK although I don't like it much, because I figured I should let him do what he wants for his birthday. Usually it is the other way around that I give him oral sex and I'm fine with that.
I have always felt kind of self-conscious and as if something is wrong with me that I am a man and I don't like to get a blowjob. Everybody's supposed to like them. I don't know why I don't like them. You'd think I would have more of an aversion to giving them or to being the recieving partner of anal sex but those things don't bother me at all, it's how I feel comfortable expressing myself sexually.
I guess it depends on my mood as to how it will feel for me. I don't get an opportunity to have oral sex performed on me much, but sometimes I can deal with it, enough to keep an erection, and it feels OK I guess, but not that great, I could probably feel better from masturbation. Sometimes it makes me too distressed and I can't keep an erection. And sometimes, which is the worst kind, it just makes me break down, and that happened today, I started to cry, I got overwhelmed. He stopped and we did not try it again. I feel as if I let him down.
Why does this upset me so much? What's wrong with me? I don't have a specific memory to associate with this; I guess my mother probably gave me a blowjob at some point but I don't have it in my memory. All I know is that the physical sensation is very upsetting to me. I feel like a freak because of it. All guys are supposed to like it!!