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#71722 - 05/06/03 07:07 PM Questions of Pain
JonathanKhonsu Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/18/03
Posts: 72
Loc: PA
I didn't know where to post this. I just knew that it would be best to ask my questions and say what I whanted to say.
I'm amazed at the comradery here.
I've been thinking a lot about what happened. Unlike many of you I only knew the guy that abused me for a few days befor my SA. He acted like my freind then he would get all hostal towrd me, then I was like his freind again it was wired.
After that trip I kept getting this reaccering bruse on my arm. I also did a lot of stuff I'm not proud of now.
My

_________________________
"Ave atque Vale"

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#71723 - 05/06/03 08:12 PM Re: Questions of Pain
JonathanKhonsu Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/18/03
Posts: 72
Loc: PA
(1st piece cont.)

My Mom doesn't know what happened. She is kind of frail sometimes. She can also be really manipulative. Like she threatens to tell people stuff (like she caught me looking at gay porn once.) Well I don't want to hurt her and I don't really think it's a good move to tell her.
I live with my parents.
My Dad knows, but we never talk about it. Its wired before he found out he was very physical (punish) with me. Now its like we are equals (well as equal as we will ever be). There was this time in Ireland where he started shaking me, it really hurt and I asked him repedidly to stop. I ran. He caught up with me and wouldn't let me go. I freaked out. I was like in two worlds at once. One it was my dad and the other it was C (my assaulter).
C was older then me. Over 18 under 21 I was 14. Well the Ireland incident happened one year later weirdly near the anniversary. I think dad guessed from that. I don't know what else he knows. I know he doesn't know that I ad sex for cash for a wile or that one was a friend of his. I've stopped that stuff now. I don't know if he knows that I killed myself soon after C hurt me. I killed myself I just didn't die (its impossible). I'm glad I'm still alive. He doesn't know that three times people have threatened or tried to kill me (C was one of them). Another was D, who was like my best friend intile he found out I'm gay (he pulled a knife on me.) The third was a kid who tried to strangle me. Needles to say I'm really really sensitive about people touching my neck.
Now that I wrote this much I'm not shore its really appropriate anywhere.
B knew he is my ex. I had sex with him and then he wanted to end it.
I recently had sex with someone (S) it was kind of for old times sake. He was really rough with me. I think there may be something wrong. I still hurt and it was 4 days ago. Well anyway I before this I was thinking of restarting something with S but now: NO WAY. So I'm back were I started alone and hurting only no I'm surviving now and I'm not so quite alone. Thanks for anyone who read to this point. I give you the putting up with Jonathan's whining award. Any one who comments below gets a gold star. Thanx.

_________________________
"Ave atque Vale"

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#71724 - 05/06/03 09:33 PM Re: Questions of Pain
Usel51 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/03/03
Posts: 11
Loc: Topeka, KS
Jonathan,
I am sorry for what you have endured, and that you have had to find this site. But I also welcome you. This is an amazing place for healing. Your brothers here have all been through much in our lives and are at different stages in our recovery, but we all have similar thoughts and feelings. You have found a great place to talk, share, and bond with others who have "been there to." I'm not a very good writer and find it difficult to put a lot of things into words, but please be assured you have found a very powerfuland healing place. Keep talking and sharing your feelings. It does help, even though it can be very tough sometimes. You will be amazed at the level of caring and support. I know I have. Take good care brother.
Steve


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#71725 - 05/07/03 11:55 AM Re: Questions of Pain
outis Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/27/03
Posts: 2260
Loc: Maryland USA
Jonathan,

Like all of us that came looking for this site, you have survived something which no one should have to endure. This is a great place to just air out your thoughts and feelings. People here have many of the same thoughts and feelings, so it not a judgmental atmosphere.

There are a lot of guys here that put up with Joe's whining, and I'm pretty good at it, so they're more than prepared to listen to you \:\) when you need it. And thanks for the gold star!

Thanks,

Joe

_________________________
"Telemachos, your guest is no discredit to you. I wasted no time in stringing the bow, and I did not miss the mark. My strength is yet unbroken…"—The Odyssey, translated by W.H.D. Rouse

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