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#7168 - 01/31/05 03:51 PM finally seeking help...too late?
cw Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 01/31/05
Posts: 21
When I was a child, I was molested on multiple occaisions by a neighbor. I kept this fact a secret from everyone, until a few years ago when I told my wife. I did not seek help at that time. It was never really discussed between my wife and I, but passed over rather quickly. I never realized how deeply the abuse had affected me. Now my wife has told me that she no longer loves me, and has felt lonely for a long time. I don't know if she felt like I was too fragile to let me know this before it grew to this level. She is a beautiful woman, and is very passionate, but sometimes I just wasn't interested in sex. The rejection she has felt has clearly driven a wedge between us. I realize now that I was placing the burden of my wellness on her shoulders. I have my first appointment with a psychiatrist tomorrow, and I pray that I can sort these things out and learn to show my love, before she decides to leave me. How does one learn to deal with the fact that they have lived their whole life under a shroud? I feel like I have lived my life under a thick blanket, with only the most intense sensations breaking through the shell. In the last six months, I have faced the failure of my business, the loss of the love of my life, and the fact that I may be unlovable. I am having a difficult time coping, and it seems like it won't get any better. I want to be a whole person, not some husk of a man who almost had a wonderful life.


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#7169 - 01/31/05 04:23 PM Re: finally seeking help...too late?
Mike Church Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 01/23/03
Posts: 3439
Loc: Toronto, Canada
CW welcome to Malesurvivor. I am truly sorry for what has led you to us but glad that you are here.

SA has a devasting effect on all of us, especially when we bury it away. It affects every aspect of our lives. It is also fairly common that our wives can and do feel alienated. In my case sex was dirty and had a winner and a loser. I did nothing about my abuse for 40years.

Seeing a PDoc will be good for you. They can help you get though the mine field in your head. It might be helpful if you sit down with your wife and actually discuss the effect the SA has had on you. Counselling may also help there.

You said:
Quote:
and the fact that I may be unlovable
That is totally untrue. What happens to a lot of us is we feel that way because we are damaged goods and how could anyone like us if they knew what we had done to us. Additionally some of the abuse might have felt good and that suggests that it was your fault. Nothing could be farther from the truth.

It might help if you wife read some of the posts in Family and Friends section. It would give her considerable insight into SA.

_________________________
Mikey

IT REALLY IS OK TO STUMBLE. NONE OF US ARE PERFECT.

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#7170 - 01/31/05 04:35 PM Re: finally seeking help...too late?
Muldoon Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/30/02
Posts: 1428
Loc: St Paul MN
It is not a easey trip down the road to HEALING but it surly is worth the effort,
I keep my abuse from my wife for 20 years until I couldn;t take it any more.

I did get help right away and that was good. I lined up the help before I told my wife.

Quote:
and the fact that I may be unlovable.
CW you are lovable, you just have to learn to love yourself first. You did nolthing wrong and the shame and quilt belongs to your abuser.

Sorry that you have to come here but glad that you found this Healing place with so many caring people to help you on your jourany.
Tom

_________________________
Teach the Children to Never Hide in the Silence

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#7171 - 01/31/05 05:19 PM Re: finally seeking help...too late?
cw Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 01/31/05
Posts: 21
Thanks for the fast replies. I know that I am a good person, and I think I am unloveable because I push love away. I am thankful to have found this site, and hope to find insight. I am attaching a quote from "Last thoughts on Woodie Guthrie" by Bob Dylan. I have always felt that they summed up my situation well, but thankfully, not for much longer.
"...And there's something on your mind that you wanna be sayin'
That somebody someplace oughta be hearin'
But it's trapped on your tongue, sealed in your head
And it bothers you badly when your layin' in bed
And no matter how you try you just can't say it
And you're scared to your soul you just might forget it
And your eyes get swimmy from the tears in your head
An' your pillows of feathers turn to blankets of lead"
Thanks for the positive words and thoughts. I am learning to create some of those things for myself. Up to this point, I have mined them from those around me.


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#7172 - 02/01/05 12:38 AM Re: finally seeking help...too late?
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
CW
Guess what I gave my wife for our 25th wedding anniversary?

The news that I'd been sexually abused and was 'screwed up'! Some present eh?

Well, we've celebrated 30 years now.
The last 5 have been difficult, wonderful, frightening, emotional, depressing and uplifting.
It's not an easy ride, and I don't think I'd have made it without involving my wife right from the start.

Your wife needs to know what's going on, however hard it is to tell her. You don't have to tell everything all in one go, indeed you don't need to tell her everything; the details of the abuse etc are only that - 'details'.

The important thing to share is the emotional aspects, your hopes and fears, your worries and concerns.
If she knows these things then you BOTH can work on the recovery.

I feared losing everything when I told my wife, and I would be lying if I said that some men haven't lost their marriages through disclosing their abuse.
But I would say the majority of married men here have saved their marriages, I did.
But we had to fight for it, as an equal partnership.

Dave

_________________________
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

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#7173 - 02/01/05 12:44 AM Re: finally seeking help...too late?
FLRich Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/21/04
Posts: 1404
cw,

Welcome to Male Survivor. I, too, almost lost my wife over my sexual abuse. I kept it hidden from her for over 20 yrs. I never enjoyed making love, just the sex. I wanted it over as quickly as possible. It was a duty. I was distant from my wife and my two sons. Little things could make me livid and major things seemed to not bother me at all. You relate to Dylan, I related to Simon and Garfunkels, "I am a rock, I am an Island." I truly beleived I was an island where no one touched me and I would feel no pain.

After 22 years of this, my wife finally had enough. She told me the same thing your wife told you, that she felt lonely and had for a long time. She told me that she would rather be physically alone, than to have me living in the same house with her day in and day out, and still be alone. Hell, I thought I had it going on! I was keeping things in check so that she would be able to handle it. I had too much to drink one night and she began telling me how she never could understand me. I finally told her. She finally knew what the problem was. She realized that it had not benn her at all. It allmade sense. It was me and my abuse. She has been a great support for me. I won't lie and tell you that all is well now. It isn't. But since I told her and since I began coming here, things have improved tremendously.

cw, Tell your wife what you told us. Let her read your post! I feel so much guilt over not telling my wife before we married. Over 20 years of our life together was tainted by my "secret". I want my wife to read the posts in Friends and Family, however I will not read them, because I'm afraid to learn how hurt my wife may be over this. So much is my fault for keeping it in, but in my mind, that was the best way to deal with the sexual abuse. I was ashamed and felt guilty.
It's like Muldoon told you in his post...the shame and guilt belongs to your abuser. My God, they messed us up!

It's up to us to take our lives back, and win back the love of those we love. Good Luck, cw. The guys at this site are the greatest bunch of guys on the planet! They understand you like no one else ever will. Let them help you along with your therapist.


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#7174 - 02/01/05 05:45 PM Re: finally seeking help...too late?
Curtis St. John Offline
Past President
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 01/20/04
Posts: 1796
Loc: Westchester, N.Y.
it is NEVER too late to reach for happiness.


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#7175 - 02/01/05 11:54 PM Re: finally seeking help...too late?
cw Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 01/31/05
Posts: 21
Well, I saw a shrink today. He acted like the SA was nothing big, and said at that age (8) I was "curious". It sounds to me like he is as bad as my abuser. The good thing he said was that I have all of the tools to work this out, already in my head. I see now that I am on the right path, having recently sworn off certain substances that I used as a crutch, but they were actually tripping me up and bringing me down. Befuddled is not a good way to be when trying to "figure things out". Thanks again for the help.


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#7176 - 02/02/05 03:26 AM Re: finally seeking help...too late?
Curtis St. John Offline
Past President
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 01/20/04
Posts: 1796
Loc: Westchester, N.Y.
Sounds like you could use this article:

A Consumers Guide To Therapist Shopping


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#7177 - 02/02/05 03:59 AM Re: finally seeking help...too late?
Bill_1965 Offline
Chat Mod Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/29/03
Posts: 1983
Loc: Flint, Michigan
Quote:
Originally posted by Roland:
it is NEVER too late to reach for happiness.
The only time it is too late is when you are in a pine box. Until then, reach and keep reaching. It's out there for your picking.

_________________________
Pain is Temporary; Quitting lasts Forever. - Lance Armstrong

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