So much of the time I wish that we as a society knew more about where sexuality comes from. I have an active imagination so I often imagine myself in hypothetical situations such as if we did know where sexuality came from. I imagine myself going to a testing center and asking them to look at my DNA and see if I have the gene that makes me predisposed to homosexuality. I do believe that homosexuality as a genetic component. However, nothing is really entirely genetic, not even inherited mental diseases like schizophrenia.
It would still be so much easier. If they say "yes, you have the gene" then I would feel secure that I really was gay. If they say "no, you do not have it" then I would know that my abuse confused me and made me feel that I was gay. My early sexual experiences, though, were with both genders, but I often wonder if I turned out gay because, as any other child, my inital gender models were my parents. From my mother, I learned that woman = scary, abusive, unloving. From my father, I learned that man = safe, caring, gentle. Although I was abused by men and learned to fear them, I think that these things were ingrained in my developing mind even before the SA and I often attribute this to the fact that I can only let myself be sexually/emotionally close with men. I have been with women but they are all photocopies of my mother.
I suppose if you are certain that you like women as well as men, you must make a choice. Do you stay with your wife, or seek out men? You may feel something lacking in your life but if you really are attracted to women then you should be able to be fulfilled by your wife, assuming you love her and find her attractive. If on the other hand you are not sure you like women at all then this might be an issue best explored in therapy...
I struggle with this too, although on the other side of the issue. I am about to enter into a marriage-like relationship with another man (we will be moving in together, and he has expressed interest in changing his last name to match mine) and while I do love him with all my heart I often wonder if he is just a father-substitute for me, as my father died when I was 18 and I miss him horribly. I find myself searching for the love he gave me and I wonder if I am trying to find it in other men. I don't feel attracted to women, but I know that I see my mother in every woman and this disgusts me. I wonder if I did not see her, would I be attracted to women? I don't know.
Sorry to make this post so long, and sorry to talk about myself so much. Just wanted you to know you aren't alone in the struggle.
And one day we will die
And our ashes will fly
From the aeroplane over the sea
But for now we are young
Let us lay in the sun
And count every beautiful thing we can see
Neutral Milk Hotel - In the Aeroplane Over the Sea