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#71632 - 04/01/03 08:28 AM Women...
Sick Puppy Offline
Member

Registered: 03/30/03
Posts: 300
Loc: Nowhere Land
Sometimes I wonder if I am truly gay or if I just have a repulsion towards women due to some of my abuse...

There are certain aspects of a woman that I just can't live with. I have had girlfriends and it was always the same things that bothered me. For one I could not stand to go into the bathroom and see menstrual blood in the toilet... any implication of blood coming from the genital region triggers me horribly. Menstrual blood in itself is also a bad reminder to me of some aspects of my SA.

I don't like the female body, in general. I really don't like the female genitals... they scare me. I don't know if this is a natural feeling that I was born with, or it was somehow instilled in me. I was abused by both genders but I don't feel the same repulsion towards men, so I am not sure...

I feel that every woman on some level will remind me too much of my own mother. Especially when sexualized. It is not something I can deal with so I must avoid them in sexual situations. As friends, women are fine... but it's sexually that I cannot deal with them. I am not sure of the cause...

_________________________
And one day we will die
And our ashes will fly
From the aeroplane over the sea
But for now we are young
Let us lay in the sun
And count every beautiful thing we can see


Neutral Milk Hotel - In the Aeroplane Over the Sea

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#71633 - 04/01/03 10:23 AM Re: Women...
Sleepy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/08/02
Posts: 288
Loc: Arizona, USA
SP,
Having any confusion with your sexuality is by far and away one of the hardest things to deal with. It is so subjective and intangible that it is really difficult to understand. Trust me, I've been going through this for years now. I was SA by a woman and for me to be with a woman is incredibly awkward but I know that I do find them attractive. As for my attraction to men, I really don't know what to say. Sometimes it scares me to be attracted to men. Maybe I'm suppose to be with a man, I really don't know.
Anyway, you're not the only one struggling with this issue.
Take care,
mike

_________________________
"It is good to have an end to journey toward; but it is the journey that matters, in the end."
--Ursula K. Le Guin

"Mental health is a commitment to reality at all times."
--M. Scott Peck

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#71634 - 04/01/03 12:44 PM Re: Women...
ScottyTodd Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 02/12/03
Posts: 1561
Loc: Pennsylvania
I must tell you how much I really admire you as a survivor! I've read you various posts and wish for you the strength to continue your journey until you realize the good, safe, enjoyable life you were meant to have!!

Now, your post about sexual confusion. First some background! I was molested starting at 5 through 13. I had males and females - no discrimination - enjoyed sex as sex. I was caught and punished by my parents when I was with females but was never caught with males. Finally at 13 my parents made me VOW that I "would never do that again" [I understood 'that' to be sex with girls] and I agreed. I was exclusively homosexual from 13 to 22 yrs. old and VERY VERY sexually active.

When I was 22, I met a beautiful girl. Now mind you I was turned off by the female genitals by this time...was safer with guys and enjoyed gay sex for the last 9 years [not even dating girls]. I developed a social relationship and after a while an emotional relationship. Then we just developed into a sexual relationship. We got married. I was exclusively hers although I fantasied about guys too.

I went away for graduate school and remained faithful until, one day, a student came to me for some guidance. I had seen him around campus but didn't meet him. I must tell you - in all my wildest dreams I could not have put together a more perfect guy!! Adonis couldn't even begin to describe him. He needed some advice because he was afraid the administration would find out he was gay and expell him. Everything I had controlled inside me went bonkers and we started a relationship which lasted 2 years. My wife discovered this and gave me an ultimatum..she or he! It was essentially a decision for gay or straight.

We have been married 32 years. I have found much on my gay side came from my abuse, my parents, conditioning...that I could have sex with almost anybody I chose. But with her there was a deeper emotional attachment that went beyond sex. That is what our marriage and my decisions were based on.

I believe some people were born gay while others, I call transitional, became gay. For some that gay relationship is correct and beautiful (as some of my family members with committed partners attest). For others, to stop and accept how you feel as all there is to it, is believing the lies from your abuse. Each person needs to wrestle with this issue on their own terms. I pre-judge no one. I share this for you, Sick Puppy, to give you hope either way. For me my sexuality was messed up throughout life, called me to stop 'messing around' and it demanded me to make a choice. For others it is a matter of acceptance. You will know what's right for you when you explore with an open mind.

Sorry it's so long...but this is really the first time I exposed this part of my life like this. Questions? PM me! Glad to help.

Howard

_________________________
If you think you can or you can't - you're right!.......anon
It's never too late to have a happy childhood!.....anon
You're very normal for the abnormal situation you've been through..............S. Todd

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#71635 - 04/02/03 02:54 PM Re: Women...
MrDon Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/08/01
Posts: 957
Loc: Deltona, FL
For me, I am scared of women and their female parts. Part of it may be how my father introduced me to females and sex with females when I was only a very small child. He was a sick Fkr!

Aside from that though, I never felt comfortable in all my life being anything close to "sexual" around a woman. In fact I could barely bring myself to kiss a woman and never have had sex with a woman. I have went to the strip clubs, night time sex shops to have some "sexual things" with women to try and prove that I was straight. But I never really wanted any of that, as I think it was more about trying to convince myself that I was straight.

Growing up, I was always attracted to guys and never would acknowledge it. In gym class, I would get turned on in the locker room and have to hide myself as much as I could. I could never figure out why the other guys in gym class didn't experience the same thing. Maybe finally in life I am beginning to understand that. Of course I always throught I would meet a girl, get married and have kids. NOne of that is true in my life and probably not who I am. I still struggle with all of this and part of it is just accepting myself.

I only had two close girl friends my entire life. There was absolutely no intimacy or sex between us. I saw them more as a friend, not something sexual. As I get more comfortable with my sexuality of being gay, I understand some of this more.

But I still struggle with it as well...

Don

_________________________
In order to journey to new worlds, we must first be willing to lose site of the shore.

The Mind Body Thoughts Blog
http://mindbodythoughts.blogspot.com/

Check out my relaxing piano music from the heart!
http://www.donshetterly.com

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