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#71620 - 03/31/03 12:52 AM I don't know
Sick Puppy Offline
Member

Registered: 03/30/03
Posts: 300
Loc: Nowhere Land
I am definitely gay; I know this. There are other things I wonder about, though.

I think I have... sort of an obsession with children. Boys especially. I have OCD and I regularly fixate upon any particular subject (they usually are completely random) so I do not know if this is just a manifestation of that or not. I am hoping it is, but this won't go away.

I don't think that it is a sexual attraction. I don't have any desire to have sex with children. This reassures me that I am not a pedophile. There's also the fact that I am definitely attracted to adults... but still, the doubt remains. When I see a young boy in public I automatically wonder if he is or has been abused... and then I think about it. It doesn't arouse me. It seems more like a curiosity.

I am also so ashamed to say this, but I was going on porn sites once and one of them automatically put a bunch of links onto my favorites list. I didn't realize this until later when I went to open a site that was near the bottom of the list. They were links for porn, of course, and one of them was for a kiddie porn site. It was a legal one where they don't show sexually explicit pictures. But one of them was for a male kiddie porn site and I admit I clicked on it. I only saw the splash page and there was nothing explicit there but I felt so dirty that I closed out of it right away. I can't help my curiosity. I am scared.

I don't know what to do. I don't know if I am a pedophile or not. I would never hurt a child but if the attraction is there then that is too much for me to deal with. I told this to one friend once, who is now angry at me, and I am afraid he is going to tell everyone about it. I will be ruined. I am so scared and I don't know what's wrong with me. Am I a pedophile?

_________________________
And one day we will die
And our ashes will fly
From the aeroplane over the sea
But for now we are young
Let us lay in the sun
And count every beautiful thing we can see


Neutral Milk Hotel - In the Aeroplane Over the Sea

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#71621 - 03/31/03 01:47 AM Re: I don't know
Jess Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/26/03
Posts: 107
Loc: California
Dear Josh,

Thank you for your open and honest sharing here. I know how hard this must have been for you to share this. I also believe that you did so because you trusted that we would understand and in some way, perhaps we could help you with your thoughts and feelings of shame and guilt.

Quote:
... I admit I clicked on it. I only saw the splash page and there was nothing explicit there but I felt so dirty that I closed out of it right away. I can't help my curiosity. I am scared.

I don't know what to do. I don't know if I am a pedophile or not. I would never hurt a child but if the attraction is there then that is too much for me to deal with. I told this to one friend once, who is now angry at me, and I am afraid he is going to tell everyone about it. I will be ruined. I am so scared and I don't know what's wrong with me. Am I a pedophile? ...
I can't tell you what to do, but I can share what I would, if you want me to. The first thing I would do is go back to my favorites menu and delete that link for the kiddie porn site, right now.

Hopefully, you've done this. Good man! So that should take care of some of the guilt, right?

Next, let me ask you, are you seeing a therapist? If not let me encourage you to do so. If you have read the personal message I sent to you, then you will understand how important I think this step is for a male survivor.

You are a very young man. You have already started to deal with your sexual abuse and resulting trauma and the damage it causes. Good for you, Josh! I am 51 and I didn't start to deal with this in January 2003. I was sexually abused when I was 5. You can imagine the shame and guilt I carried throughout the years for the crazy and sometimes horrible things I did as a result of having been abused. I am glad that like you I have never been a pedophile. But I found so much liberation from the prison that child sexual abuse tends to put survivors in when I shared my "secrets" of having been abused by others to the brothers and sisters here.

First, Josh, know that you were abused. You did not asked to be abused, and you had no control over the situation surrounding your sexual abuse. That is what abusers/ perpetrators/ predators do to us. They try to make us feel guilty for their horrendous acts upon us. It was NOT YOUR FAULT, Josh!

Sometimes, I think, we continue to act out roles that were not ever ours in the first place. These acts are actions of your original abusers. These are their scenarios that we sometimes pick up and carry with us as if they were our own, because that is what they taught us. You can, drop this act. It is not you. You were abused, you were traumatized, and you were harmed, but you survived, and you can overcome this evil that was perpetrated on you by someone who did not care for you or love you [regardless of his or her words to you while they were abusing you] Love for a child does not manifest itself in child sexual abuse. This is a lie that a perpetrator tells him or herself in order to not feel shame or guilt for their guilty acts. Thank God, that you felt shame for opening the kiddie porn site. You are not a pedophile, or a sexual abuser of children.

Please read the articles that are posted here. You will be comforted, and supported, thereby.

We are here for you, Josh. If you want to you can send me a PM if that is easier for you. I will do my best to help you in any way I can.

Your brother male survivors are here for you, Josh.

Sincerely, Jess.


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#71622 - 03/31/03 01:55 AM Re: I don't know
Sick Puppy Offline
Member

Registered: 03/30/03
Posts: 300
Loc: Nowhere Land
Jess, thanks for your response.

I cleared out my history and temporary files right away. I know the site was legal but I still don't want any evidence on my hard drive. I am NEVER going to do that again. I am hoping with all my heart that it was just curosity and nothing else. My curiosity often gets the best of me and I need to learn to control it better because it has gotten me in trouble.

Right now I am shivering and I can't stop. It's not even cold in here. I'm just scared and confused and I don't know what to do. My head is so mixed up and conflicted and I'm terrified. I really want to believe that none of this makes me a pedophile but I am not sure. All I can say is that I don't think I have ever felt a definite sexual attraction to children-- but denial is very powerful. I don't know if this is the truth or if I am just ignoring the truth.

I don't really know what brought all this to the surface, but so many things are going on in my head right now, and I feel that just one more problem may turn out to be the straw that breaks the camel's back. \:\(

_________________________
And one day we will die
And our ashes will fly
From the aeroplane over the sea
But for now we are young
Let us lay in the sun
And count every beautiful thing we can see


Neutral Milk Hotel - In the Aeroplane Over the Sea

Top
#71623 - 03/31/03 10:30 AM Re: I don't know
Ken Singer, LCSW Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/24/00
Posts: 5780
Loc: Lambertville, NJ USA
Hi Josh:

Labels like "pedophile" refers to behavior, not thought or feeling. However, feelings and thoughts CAN lead to behaviors. Most people who cross over the line into behaviors can recall that they thought about it for some time before acting on the thoughts. This is not to say that you are heading in that direction, but if you sense at some level that you have thoughts or feelings that are disturbing, now is the time to do something about it.

The At Risk forum is a place to deal with thoughts and feelings. Jess is right about talking with a therapist about this. Most therapists will likely not have the knowledge or experience in this area and you might want to check out the article in the MS website, "A Consumer's Guide to Therapist Shopping" for guidelines and questions to ask a perspective (or current) therapist.

If you want to come to At Risk, email the administrator/webmaster and you may come in.

By the way, attraction to adolescents of either gender is not necessarily pedophilic. When you are 14 and 13 or 14 year old peers are attractive to you, that is normal. If the attraction remains strong 20 years later, it's time to take a look at what is going on.

Ken


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#71624 - 03/31/03 02:23 PM Re: I don't know
michaelb Offline
Member

Registered: 04/21/01
Posts: 211
Loc: cincinnati, ohio
I UNDERSTAND YOUR GUILT AND SHAME.....i've lived with it for 30 years.....i came very close to forcing a little boy to touch me when i was a teenager.....luckily i did not......i have no attraction to little kids now, but i still feel the shame and self-hatred of how close i came to being a pedophile.....i guess i am gay, though i've never had sex with anybody.....sometimes i see young teenage guys and feel somewhat attracted to them, though i would never instigate contact with them.....i've actually had a few young guys come onto me and i refused.....i talked about my thoughts about having pedophile feelings when i was a teenager here at this site several months ago, and the guys were very supportive.....

i agree with jess....see a therapist to talk about these things.....do not let them fester and destroy yourself, like what has happened to me.....

if you want to talk, i am here.......michael


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#71625 - 04/09/03 02:33 AM Re: I don't know
Logan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/05/03
Posts: 1241
Loc: NY
I'm really sorry to say that i felt that way too. it wasn't actually about attraction, i think it was about control although i never acted on it i felt extreamly guilty about the thoughts and horrible that my mind could conjure such violence toward a harmless person. I told my therapist about it finaly and he told me that it was beacause of the abuse i went throught and because i had blocked it out for so long that my mind needed a way to prosses the trauma and so internalized the victim and the perp and began to identify with the agressor. since i was not allowing the victim to 'vent' the other and my unconcious belief of stronger identity emerged. since i told him, and he as reasured me that im not a pediphile, the thoughts and worries have greatly deminished.
maybe this is what you have. hope this helps.
-Logan

"I'd rather die on my feet than live my life my knees"

_________________________
"Terrible thing to live in Fear"-Shawshank Redemption
WOR Alumnus Hope Springs 2009
"Quite a thing to live in fear, this is what is means to be a slave"
-Blade Runner

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#71626 - 04/09/03 02:39 AM Re: I don't know
Logan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/05/03
Posts: 1241
Loc: NY
I'm really sorry to say that i felt that way too. it wasn't actually about attraction, i think it was about control although i never acted on it i felt extreamly guilty about the thoughts and horrible that my mind could conjure such violence toward a harmless person. I told my therapist about it finaly and he told me that it was beacause of the abuse i went throught and because i had blocked it out for so long that my mind needed a way to prosses the trauma and so internalized the victim and the perp and began to identify with the agressor. since i was not allowing the victim to 'vent' the other and my unconcious belief of stronger identity emerged. since i told him, and he as reasured me that im not a pediphile, the thoughts and worries have greatly deminished.
maybe this is what you have. hope this helps.
-Logan

"I'd rather die on my feet than live my life my knees"

_________________________
"Terrible thing to live in Fear"-Shawshank Redemption
WOR Alumnus Hope Springs 2009
"Quite a thing to live in fear, this is what is means to be a slave"
-Blade Runner

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#71627 - 04/09/03 11:29 AM Re: I don't know
michaelb Offline
Member

Registered: 04/21/01
Posts: 211
Loc: cincinnati, ohio
LOGAN......i agree with your assessment....the unfortunate thing is that the guilt and shame has been a huge part of my life ever since then and will not go away....you know i think i almost feel worse thinking about doing those things than i would have felt if i had done them....know that sounds weird....my mind can rationalize things, but in my heart it is like an open wound that will never heal.....of course, my life is kind of like that open sore and people keep pouring alcohol on it....michael


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#71628 - 04/09/03 11:40 AM Re: I don't know
Sleepy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/08/02
Posts: 288
Loc: Arizona, USA
Michael,
Quote:
i think i almost feel worse thinking about doing those things than i would have felt if i had done them
There is absolutly nothing weird about this. I feel the guilt and shame as well and I know that these intrusive thoughts can cause you a lot of distress. If you were to do actually do these things you can eventually deal with it. But it seems almost impossible to deal with what your brain conjures up. Take care my friend.
mike

_________________________
"It is good to have an end to journey toward; but it is the journey that matters, in the end."
--Ursula K. Le Guin

"Mental health is a commitment to reality at all times."
--M. Scott Peck

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#71629 - 04/10/03 01:47 PM Re: I don't know
michaelb Offline
Member

Registered: 04/21/01
Posts: 211
Loc: cincinnati, ohio
just wish i could act on all of the suicidal thoughts my brain conjures up.....then i'd be free from my miserable life.......michael


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