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#71595 - 01/27/03 08:45 PM Help me move forward...
hanginon Offline
Member

Registered: 01/25/03
Posts: 89
Loc: sarasota, fl
I am new to this forum and new to stepping into the light of recovery. I am 40 yo survivor of incest with my older brother when I was 8. I have had a series of relationships that have almost all ended after two years of involvement. I spent many years running away from my pain, ventured to Europe and had many affairs that never lasted.

I have been with my current partner on and off for over 4 years now. He was in the closet when we met and I "helped" him to come to terms with his sexuality. Now it is he who is helping me. He "broke off" our contact two weeks ago since we went on a vacation with his family and I had many "triggers" that set me into my usual pouting passive aggressive rage.

I have had to face my addiction to sex, cybersex, and the loneliness I feel without him there to dick around - unwittingly. He and I are both in therapy but I realize I need to join a 12-step group asap to get my healing on track. He is very reluctant to see me now, since this is really hard on both of us.

I have learned that his motives are really love and concern for my well being and for the first time, I realize how paranoid my life has become since I thought he only wanted to go online and find hot men to have sex with (like I am prone to do).

My immediate concern is about how our relationship may change because of my problem. I want desperately to heal so that we can start from a new place, but he and I are both concerned that the journey will drive us apart. As I read some of the postings on this site, I am acutely aware of how abusive I have been to him and DO NOT want to put him through any form of this abuse anymore, but know that I cannot guarantee the outcomes.

Does anyone have experience to help me? I am frightened but determined to heal. I need to have the strength to heal without him, but I feel so much calmer now that the root of our problems in the past is really being exposed. How can we get through this and come out on the other side TOGETHER?

Thank God for this Web site. I am waiting for a list of groups to be sent to me from the Survivors group in my hometown, Baltimore.

thanks for any help or insight...

_________________________
walker, there is no path, you make a path as you go...

(caminante, no hay camino, se hace camino al andar...)

Antonio Machado

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#71596 - 01/27/03 09:24 PM Re: Help me move forward...
Mike Church Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 01/23/03
Posts: 3439
Loc: Toronto, Canada
Hi Mike Church from Canada here. I can sympathise with your feelings but I cannot say I understand. I was raped by three men older than myself when I was 16yrs old and spent some 5 years addicted to the pain, sex, rage and humiliation.
I have found that getting to the healing stage myself is a huge trip and best not taken alone. That does not mean to say that you help each other through the issues that you both obviously have. What it means is that you each work at it in a purely selfish sense to heal yourself. What you do is to give each other honesty, love and support and understanding through the trials to come. You have to heal yourself with the tools that professionals provide ( which come from within). Do not look back in regret but forward into what is to come. Too often we deal in what if , should have, if only, why etc. I am 62 now and happily married to a wonderful wife of 36years and she is my rock. I am looking forward to an exciting time with her for the future and yet, like you I am dragged in the mud by my past. But it is me putting myself there and I must be on my guard. I am also a member of AA and there is a saying we have
Any man can cope with today. It is when we add those two awful eternities yesterday and tomorrow that we cannot cope. Do not expect it to be easy or without pain. Look on it as a journey towards freedom from the pain and past. Fight for yourself and believe me those around you will support that. Do not be too hard on yourself. We all slip sometimes. But we are only human. I really hope this has helped a bit.

_________________________
Mikey

IT REALLY IS OK TO STUMBLE. NONE OF US ARE PERFECT.

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#71597 - 01/27/03 09:26 PM Re: Help me move forward...
Mike Church Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 01/23/03
Posts: 3439
Loc: Toronto, Canada
Hi Mike Church from Canada here. I can sympathise with your feelings but I cannot say I understand how you feel. Nobody can understand anothers feelings. I was raped by three men older than myself when I was 16yrs old and spent some 5 years addicted to the pain, sex, rage and humiliation.
I have found that getting to the healing stage myself is a huge trip and best not taken alone. That does not mean to say that you help each other through the issues that you both obviously have. What it means is that you each work at it in a purely selfish sense to heal yourself. What you do is to give each other honesty, love and support and understanding through the trials to come. You have to heal yourself with the tools that professionals provide ( which come from within). Do not look back in regret but forward into what is to come. Too often we deal in what if , should have, if only, why etc. I am 62 now and happily married to a wonderful wife of 36years and she is my rock. I am looking forward to an exciting time with her for the future and yet, like you I am dragged in the mud by my past. But it is me putting myself there and I must be on my guard. I am also a member of AA and there is a saying we have
Any man can cope with today. It is when we add those two awful eternities yesterday and tomorrow that we cannot cope. Do not expect it to be easy or without pain. Look on it as a journey towards freedom from the pain and past. Fight for yourself and believe me those around you will support that. Do not be too hard on yourself. We all slip sometimes. But we are only human. I really hope this has helped a bit.

_________________________
Mikey

IT REALLY IS OK TO STUMBLE. NONE OF US ARE PERFECT.

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#71598 - 01/28/03 03:24 AM Re: Help me move forward...
Muldoon Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/30/02
Posts: 1428
Loc: St Paul MN
Hanginon
Quote:
I am new to this forum and new to stepping into the light of recovery. I am 40 yo survivor of incest with my older brother when I was 8.
This place is a great site to come for help Look back through the old post and you will find others like your self. You will find great help here. Many that come here for the frist time are in there 40,s It hits you hard from 40 on ,I am 53 now and the last 13 years have been hell but I am a SURVIVOR HOW and things will change as I go through recovery.
Quote:
I am frightened but determined to heal. I need to have the strength to heal without him, but I feel so much calmer now that the root of our problems in the past is really being exposed.
Yes once you deal with the root of the problems things get much better.

John all I can say is. PLANT YOUR LIFE AND LET IT GROW.. Don't be desperately to heal so that you can start from a new place. Healing takes time and you can grow togeather as you heal. Muldoon

_________________________
Teach the Children to Never Hide in the Silence

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#71599 - 01/30/03 02:13 PM Re: Help me move forward...
bosishere Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/14/01
Posts: 161
Loc: nashville,tn,usa
hello Hanginon. From what you write, I believe you are well on your way of going forward. Something I learned from a 94 year old womank,r.i.p., that lived in the place I did was she always said "IT IS A NEW DAY." I admitted being gay in 1967, but I knew I was raped by two 18 years old guys, I was only 7, and we were part of the male boys in a long term care HOSPITAL in 1950 thru 1953. I never tried to deal with my horrid past and set out working after some college. I worked for a liquor company and the job was great. But in 1990 I was struck by a NYC subway train and taken to the nearest hospital that has the SAME NAME as the one I was in during the 1950s in Massachusetts. I have 4 parts of my brain that are fucked up as well as I get around in an electric wheelchair. I got most of my higher education in a Roman Catholic seminary, but I didn't begin to deal with the horrid past until the Diocesse of Nashville began to publially deal with a now expriest who had raped many boys in the 70s and 80s. That problem opened up all the horrid news in the Catholic Church as to what DID happen to many boys.
Why I tell you all of this is that life for us was not to be easy, and there is always somebody who has things rougher. But most of all please remember that saying of the old woman I knew several years ago and her saying of "IT A NEW DAY." Keep your wonderful attitude, and you WILL COME OUT BETTER ON THE OTHER SIDE of your journey. All my best. Michael aka bosishere \:\) \:\) ;\)


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